Open stance

I was passing time in the new UCLES Cafe the other morning, nursing a piping tea and an unshakable sense of under-achievement when I noticed a familiar young man swerving elegantly through the crowds.

It was the beard that caught my eye first, curling nonchalantly across his stout chin like a care-free weasel reclining on a warm rock. My first thoughts were conspicously Elizabethan until I recognised the sharp yet gregarious shoes.

"My word", I exclaimed, "It's Mr Wylie". And so t'was.

Having returned from an ambitious attempt to be somewhere else, rather like an 16th Century explorer sailing round the Isle of Wight for six months before returning to court with a collection of odd-shaped vegetables and a sun tan, Wylie was once more on UCLES turf, brimming with possiblities of a new season.

I cornered him for a long and elegant conversation about cover drives only for him to curtail me with suggestions that he was 'in a meeting'. Confused somewhat, I withdrew.

In recognition of the return of the golden boy of UCLES* cricket I bring before you arguably his finest hour. Although it's not a particularly good argument...

UCLES* v Sanger Centre (12/07/05)

UCLES dismal season experienced a new and thrilling dip Tuesday night with a 3 run defeat against Sanger. Having reduced the visitors to a meagre 93, UCLES contrived to bat the full 20 overs yet still fall short.

When I was at Infant School, failure to bring the appropriate kit meant doing PE in matching Y-front and vest sets - usually in white or blue. When I say PE of course, I actually mean running around a school hall whilst some old lady plays the piano. Sometimes with bean bags, sometimes hoops.

Fortunately for Wylie, no such rule exists in the UCLES cricket club or the blonde bombshell would have contributed to this most recent fixture against Sanger in his gruds - having decided that half the club kit was better off in his parents garage than at St Catz. The UCLES team responded however to this quandary with typical British spirit and warmed-up by tossing a small red Frisbee around like actors in a clothed version of the 1970's sex education film. Further negotiation and resourcefulness eventually brought together sufficient implements to prevent UCLES from having to bat with argos catalogues, car jacks and pavilion benches.

Winning the toss (we at least had a coin), Skipper James chose once more to bowl first on a strip that was so close to the top of the field that Live8 could have been staged between the pitch and the tennis courts at the bottom. The Danny Boys of Spittle and Danson began proceedings beneath and azure sky and an ambient temperature as hot as the inside of a microwaved lasagne. Spittle's erratic radar was once more to the fore, providing more width than the seats at Disneyland McDonalds, but at the other end Danson was miserly and uncompromising, striking first with a light tickle to West behind the stumps. And as Danson tightened the screw so Spittle tightened his line to deliver his best three overs of the season. With Danson collecting a second wicket with what a fast bowler would have called his slower ball, Sanger had bumbled their way to 60 from the first 10, despite having barely hit the ball.

With the game nicely balanced the change bowlers would be key and Siyambalapitiya and Ordish didn't disappoint. With Siyambalapitiya's waving, wobbly balls from one end and Ordish's hard balls from the other, the Sanger batting line-up began to implode. Siyambalapitiya was the main beneficiary, producing a stunning display of accuracy to take 5 for 16, helped by a couple of decent catches from West and Skipper James. Indeed, Siyambalapitiya may have been the first man in recent memory to take 6 wickets in an innings for UCLES had Visage not played ‘fingerless juggler’ beneath a late skier. At the other end Ordish was simply too quick and accurate for Sanger, twice hitting the stumps. When the final wicket was delivered through a Robinson-Linsdell run-out combination the visitors had reached just 93, many runs short of par. Or so it seemed at the time.

Linsdell and Skipper James began the leisurely chase reasonably well with the latter twice finding the boundary in the opening overs. But when Skipper James fell for 15 and then Linsdell the following over for a pad-based 4 UCLES were left with some repair work to do.

Robinson and Wylie went about this process with great control, ensuring the required rate never looked threatening and with wickets in hand victory was looking something of a formality. Sanger's bowlers were however not willing to give the game up and when Wylie fell for 15 they began to scent a possible change of fortune.

With dot balls becoming the order of the day the door began to creak shut on a seemingly unavoidable UCLES triumph. By the time Robinson was run-out for a valuable 27, UCLES required 8 runs from the final over. Despite a couple of wides the final over was largely accurate and a boundary was required from the final ball to see UCLES home. Rather than seeing the ball race to the ropes, a disconsolate Visage saw his willow rattled and the home side had slumped like a holed bouncy castle to 90 for 5, three runs short.

This was the second time this season, and the third time in less than a year that UCLES have lost by less than 5 runs. In truth, the batting display was very disappointing but much can be taken from an excellent display in the field. The batting will be a blip, but the impressive bowling shows every sign of being here to stay.

As this drama unfolded, a middle-aged man in socks and sandals wandered over with a suicidal looking dog. "It's often harder to chase a small total than a big total" he quipped to no-one in particular. I looked around for something to throw at him but to no avail. Maybe Wylie was right to forget the kit after all...

Switch-hit

The last time I tickled the dark cubes of my Dell keyboard cricket was a simple enough game played in-between meals. Suddenly, it is a global commodity, being tossed from hand-to-hand by the sort of people that are usually found trying to eat the Billy Goat Gruff.

It is fortunate therefore that my battered, leather notebook still unfurls itself by natural causes amidst a sea of UCLES* cricketing nonsense. Today, the yellowing pages yawn open in July 2006 when the sweet smell of returning Ashes still hung in the air like the memory of a happy barbecue.

This is one of my personal favourites, if I can be so vain. Close your ears to the insanity of the wailing world and enjoy.

UCLES* v Sanger Centre (11/07/06)

Halfway between Cambridge and Saffron Walden is a little place where the very future of mankind in being shaped and determined. Whilst us mere mortals pass the time clerically enhancing the banality of our existence so those within the confines of the Sanger Institute go about re-defining what it means to exist at all. There is a sign on the front door that says, ‘You don’t have to code DNA to work here, but it helps’. Where God giveth brains, so he nicketh the sense of humour.

Set within the confines of this substantial campus is a small patch of grassland, a recreational area for the staff, like a wheel in the cage of gifted hamster. It is, itself, a nice enough area – but for the train line that scratches nosily behind a dense row of trees – and a large pond dominates one side like an alcoholic's liver. As a cricket venue however it is not the best, speckled with animal faeces like a turkey farm on Christmas Eve, run scoring is harder than origami with wet lettuce.

With no pavilion facilities available the UCLES* stars had to take turns to change in toilets, like something out of a George Michael video. Wylie stood for a moment by the side of the pond looking for three-eyed fish – once more confusing real-life with The Simpsons – as the sun provided another burst of bland and inelegant heat.

Skipper Steve’s luck with tosses is now so poor that he has long since stopped bothering to call. Instead, he just shrugs enigmatically and submits to whatever the opposition captain chooses. In this instance, UCLES* were asked to field.

The Sanger pitch was, as always, a herby minefield and with accurate early bowling from Danson and Wood UCLES* were restricting the scoring. Having drawn the edge more often than Rolf Harris on a U2 tour, Wood eventually took matters into his own hand by hitting the stumps. At the other end Danson’s deliveries were tighter than a fish’s skin.

With just a handful of runs scored in the opening eight overs, the game was dramatically brought to a halt by an attempted pull of Ordish that struck the Sanger opening batsman firmly above the eye. Had he been Marco Materazzi he would probably have rolled all the way into the pond. As it was, he dropped to the floor and had to be tended by West as he bled onto the pitch – fortunately not on a length.

After a few minutes he was escorted off the field to be tended further by an arriving paramedic. A nasty incident that was handled well by West, who perhaps ruined his hero status by wondering out loud whether the opposition had time to clone a replacement.

Just moments after the game restarted another injury was suffered as a Canada goose (Branta canadensis) fielding just behind square on the leg side boundary suffered a glancing blow to the shoulder. Do geese have shoulders? Anyway, despite protestations from Wylie, the paramedic was not keen to tend to the injured bird.

Ordish recovered his composure to collect a wicket in what was now officially the longest over in UCLES* cricket history, some 15 seconds longer than the 76-ball over Spittle bowled during his 2005 ‘erratic’ period.

With Siyambalapitiya bowling a tight and effective spell from one end and Ordish mixing the unplayable with the unreachable, Sanger limped their way to 90-8 in their overs. Having made nearly 200 the previous week, UCLES* had given themselves a great chance of back-to-back victories.

Linsdell and Gill began the chase reasonably well but when Linsdell was bowled trying an extravagant shot the hosts had the early wicket they needed. Wylie’s stay at the wicket was over before Linsdell had re-sheathed his bat, the pop-star fending a rising delivery away from his face and straight back to the bowler. Facing the reality that this was not going to be a quick chase, Gill and Skipper Steve steadied the innings reasonably well but when they both fell in quick succession the double-figure target suddenly seemed a whole lot more daunting.

As the game reached the business end so runs began to come as White, Wood, Siyambalapitiya and, most impressively, Ordish, found the boundary with some powerful blows. But just as the UCLES* appeared to have the game in their grasp, another wicket would pull Sanger back into the game.

When West fell at the end of the penultimate over UCLES* had slumped to 85-9 and the burden of victory fell to two masters of the game – Danson and Ladds. For a moment, just a moment, it was 1970. A pint of milk was a guinea, cars were driven behind a man with a flag and everyone smoked a pipe. Such a heady and intoxicating dream was however crushed moments later as Danson fell trying to smash the winning runs.

Playing cricket at Sanger has always been like playing the banjo with a slice of quiche and once more a low-scoring contest went against UCLES*. If I had a pound for every time an UCLES* side had lost a game by less than 12 runs in the last 5 years then I would probably have a fair fistful of cash – certainly enough to be able to afford a decent selection of vegetables to go with a delicious plump breasted Branta canadensis.

Cow corner

It would be very easy to blame my absence for the last fortnight on further illness (nasty bug that involved passing liquid through a typically 'solid's only' department) and indeed an ever-increasing workload. I could even argue that I have chosen to spend more time with my family.

But the truth is that I have neglected you and discarded my responsibilities like a beaver that gnaws a 1000 trees but never causes one to fall. You will be disinterested to learn therefore that I am back now and hussing once more a globule of nonsense and drivel your way.

Another clash with Chemistry and a triumphant afternoon for a Mr Dagless who formally takes a back seat this year to bring a curtain down on an UCLES career that began when the great new dawn in the USA was about to begin under a man called Clinton.

And Leeds were Champions. I'm not sure which of those is funnier...

For this 2004 fixture, UCLES were Wylie, Linsdell, Daggless, Monk, Bean, Lawrence, Visage, Siyambalapititya, Robinson, Thomson, Danson.

UCLES v Chemistry (06/07/04)

A season of top performances and gutsy victories hit a new peak at Clare College sports ground last night with a highly impressive six-wicket triumph against a formidable Chemistry side.

Clare is one of my favourite places to play cricket. It also, incidentally, one of my favourite girls names. A girl called Clare used to rub my legs in English lessons at school - but that's a different story.

On an exceptionally English summer afternoon, with a salad bowl of open green sighing with contentment beneath a fluffy sky, UCLES once again took to the field first, this time inserted by the Chemistry skipper. Danson and Siyambalapitiya were handed the new ball and began brightly with a decent share of movement and accuracy. "Nice shape Danny" could be heard from Lawrence behind the stumps. I've no idea however whether this was referring to the veteran's gentle away swing or his enviably trim physique.

Despite the strong early bowling performances, it would be a run out that brought the breakthrough. Linsdell and Danson combining to remove the bails on a night where Chemistry attempted and often successfully completed a number of very optimistic singles.

The running was however not as optimistic as the other Chemistry opening batsman who had obviously been watching too much 20Twenty cricket. Playing with all the elegance of a duck caught in fishing tackle he consistently charged the omnipresent Danson to deliver a wild collection of poorly-timed thumps and drafty swipes. UCLES frustration was then only fuelled by Linsdell's low-key attempt to affect a leg-side catch.

Skipper James replaced Danson after a decent spell yet the left-armer was struggling a little for length, with Chemistry batsmen consistently working the ball to leg. Credit here should go to Visage who patrolled the mid-wicket boundary with all the tenacity of a WeightWatchers class chasing a pork pie. In one Skipper James over, Visage clocked up enough air miles for a family vacation to Madeira. Rarely had I ever seen a man so out of breath. But then at that stage, I hadn't seen Dagless bat.

With the home side moving themselves into a position of some strength, Skipper James turned to Bean to replace the unfortunately expensive Siyambalapitiya. After some early treatment, everyone's favourite policeman finally removed the bludgeoner with a good old-fashioned straight delivery. Bean then continued his good all-round form by claiming a second wicket, this time caught by Wylie at square leg, and completing a run-out off his own bowling after some over-zealous backing-up. And Bean wasn't finished - this time turning catcher to take a skier from Linsdell's first over. It was a good catch preceded by a repeated call of "Jerry's!" which caught the ears of everyone within 2 miles of Trumpington. Everyone that is apart from Robinson who continued to shout "Steve's" until milliseconds before Bean claimed the chance.

Once again Linsdell had sneaked in just in time to steal the scraps from the table - taking another three wickets as Chemistry followed the now well-established opposition pattern of systematic collapse. Robinson joined Linsdell in the wickets with a couple of pretty unplayable deliveries late on and having been 120 for 3, the home side posted a respectable but not conclusive 128 all out.

Linsdell and Lawrence began the UCLES reply and after a decent first over, Lawrence was caught-behind off an inside edge to bring Monk to the crease. Despite carrying an average of 174 on his shoulders, Monk was struggling a little with some very inconsistent bounce and pace on a pitch that was proving more mysterious to the UCLES batsmen than was perhaps necessary. With Linsdell scoring occasionally rather than consistently - perhaps guilty of trying too hard for big shots - the UCLES run chase began to stutter and when Linsdell was bowled in the 10th over, the required run rate was already over 8-an-over. When Monk went soon after things were looking bleak, but in Wylie and Dagless, UCLES had the men for the occasion.

Undaunted by the climbing run rate, the UCLES middle-order stalwarts found runs all round the wicket and Dagless, being pushed mercilessly by his younger partner, was finding as yet unseen sources of Oxygen. With the occasional boundary joining the party, most notably from the flashing blade of the talented Wylie, UCLES began to creep in contention. The run rate remained high but stable and with just five overs remaining, the deficit was taken below fifty.

Still with much to do, the pair retained their focus and composure to up the ante further and rattle the thus far composed fielding side. Finally, with Wylie breathing hard and Dagless on his third pair of lungs, the rate dipped for the first time below the run-a-ball rate. Dagless finally fell in the penultimate over, unable to make his ground chasing yet another second. But by then, the work was all but done. Bean joined Wylie at the crease with seven required from the final over and thanks to some typically exuberant scampering and some often unnecessary but highly entertaining diving, victory came within tasting distance. Wylie completed a masterful and heroic fifty and moments later Bean flicked a full toss away for the two runs required for victory. UCLES had reached 129-4, with one ball to spare.

Another sensational UCLES victory with performances of real note across the side. The fielding was unusually scruffy at times but Visage was typically tireless and the bowling probably merited better returns. The real heroes last night were however with the bat where Wylie and Dagless produced a fabulous victory from the jaws of defeat to move UCLES to within a Visage throw of the title.

Too close to cut

And so 2009 is welcomed in against a backdrop of light snow, like a dusting of icing sugar on a festive biscuit. In the distance, through the gloom, the Ashes can be seen massing on the horizon like an anti-climax waiting to arrive.

Our trip in the time machine (the drivers look so much younger than they used to be) takes us now to May 2005 and the unlikely prospect of some sunshine. This was back at a time when Star Wars Episode III was hitting screens in the US, Liverpool were champions of Europe and Israeli soliders were painting the skies with fireworks. How time flies...

UCLES took to this fresh new field as an impressively-strong looking Linsdell, Robinson, Danson, Hall, Dagless, Siyambalapitiya, Ordish, West, Monk, Skipper James and Bean.