Before we were married, my wife and I used to live in a small but well-maintained cottage on a large country estate. It had an impressive garden which carried with it all the treats and shrapnel of country life - surprisingly large insects, the remains of rabbits and pieces of metal that probably fell from the sky during the war. It also had an old-fashioned cess pit into which drained all the household waste we could accumulate on a small budget and a questionable diet. This indelicate yet traditional featurette required us, occasionally, to face the joyous prospect of sticking long metal poles down small metal tubes to extricate not unreasonable pieces of our own excrement from the system.
It was just one of those unpalatable yet unavoidable facts of life.
On a completely unrelated issue the UCLES* cricketers this week found themselves playing yet another cup-semi final against Engineering. The game began amidst the heady niff of an English Ashes victory at Lords. The last time England beat Australia at Lords it was 1934 and that summer UCLES recorded just two victories, firstly against a Physics team that were close to splitting and secondly a Molecular Biology side that were yet to exist.
On Monday, with the traditional 40-over afternoon contest unrealistic in these busy times, a mutually inconvenient 30-over contest was agreed, to start at 4pm. Effervescent with charm, the Engineering side arrived in ill-matching clumps, like a draft moving through a meeting of Alopecia Anonymous. Shortly before the end of Countdown the coin was tossed and Skipper Bobby decided to bat.
At 4.20pm, with UCLES* batsmen twiddling oversized thumbs, the game finally began with just 8 fielders, one of whom was mysteriously twelfth man - but more of him, or perhaps less of him, later. With more singles on offer than at a computer gaming convention, Linsdell and Thwaites dallied slightly and squeaked their way apologetically through the opening overs with all the effectiveness of Joe Pasquale facing down a rabid tiger with a week-old bunch of daffodils. Thwaites in particular was developing something of a nervous tick outside off stump. Had he been Henry VIII's executioner, Anne Boleyn's head would have been displayed in the Tower on a toast rack.© Blackadder II
It was at this point that the Engineering side (which had slowly swelled to capacity like an old man's colostomy bag) strangely became 12. Linsdell and Thwaites watched from the middle as much arm-waving and finger-pointing ensued whilst the cuddling opposition skipper attempted to convince the UCLES* cricketing hierarchy that this new individual should actually be playing and the perfectly reasonable individual that had been fielding thus far was actually twelfth man. Some bizarre, and as yet unclear, compromise was reached and so we started again, slightly older and marginally more irritated.
As is always the case, Engineering were sweet and reflective in the field, offering dignified and unobtrusive support to their bowlers. Having had their polite request for the dismissal of Thwaites turned down on the basis that he wouldn't have edged it with a canoe, they were unfazed and refused point blank to be drawn into a boring and mindless period of abuse and ridicule. Oh no, hang on...
In spite of their ambling start, the openers took the total beyond 50 before Thwaites holed out at straightish mid-off. Wylie joined Linsdell and the accelerator was depressed until the latter was caught between a young man's thighs for the first time since an unfortunate incident at 'Ziggys' nightclub in Eastbourne one summer weekend in 1995. Thereafter, the UCLES* batting listed, lolled, rolled over and then sank beneath the waves of decent if unattractive attack - rather like being savaged by a poorly groomed Doberman. Scattering flower petals and happiness at every turn, Engineering took the last UCLES* wicket in the final over, leaving themselves an eminently achievable 150 to secure their rightful place in the final.
Back at the pavilion, Little Miss Linsdell was asking Ladds how old he was. But before Robin had a chance to respond he realised he had forgotten both the question and the answer.
In times gone by, UCLES* sides may have wilted in such circumstances like a Curlywurly in a sumo wrestler's arm-pit. But this small group of exam administrators are made of slightly sterner stuff and, stirred by the traditional goading spoon of the glorious opposition, they rose to their full stature like Godzilla after some bloke presses that red button in the 1980s cartoon. Ordish set the tone, whistling in from the Tennis Court end with relentless and controlled pace whilst at the other end Daniel 'Spitfire' Spittle unleashed his full 15-yard follow through with accompanying stare.
Ordish struck stumps early and that brought to the crease the handsome figure of the mysterious, late arriving '12th' man, fresh from his subtle and erudite observations during the first innings. The UCLES* fielders bid him a warm welcome and then, one thick edge later, a rip-roaring goodbye, complete with jugglers, fireworks and a well-choreographed finger wagging send-off from Spitfire.
Far from the walk in the park they were expecting, the visitors suddenly realised that a game had started and it was now the turn of the UCLES* fielders to decorate the air with observation and advice. Put under genuine pressure the special ones began to fade and panic, swiping wildly at the ball like a toddler trying to stab a fly with a cocktail stick. With just 149 runs in the bag, UCLES* knew that they would have to bowl out Engineering to win and so they strived. Kodavati and Wyatt took up the fight and there was much gnashing of teeth as edges were beaten and pads struck. Wylie took a thunderous catch on the boundary and at 111 for 6 the outcome was as uncertain as Prince Harry's parentage.
But in the end the home side were limited by their moderate total and umpires that had their arms stitched to their sides. By the time Linsdell's second over went for about 80, the game was up and the visitors scuffed their way to victory with all the dignity you would expect. You've got to give the Engineering players credit. So keen are they to ensure that the inter-departmental league and cup continue to thrive in their long-established traditions and spirit that they selflessly lend themselves out to other departments during the season. Indeed Spitfire made such a comment to their skipper during the post-match sweating and a polite kerfuffle ensued.
In 1843, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, arguably Britain's finest ever engineer, accidentally inhaled a half-sovereign whilst performing a conjuring trick for his children. After a number of reasonable attempts to remove the item from his windpipe he was forced to strap himself to a board and was shaken repeatedly upside down until it came free. Brunel wiped the coin on his handkerchief and replaced it in his coat pocket. When he relayed the story to his contemporary Robert Stephenson some weeks later, the latter remarked, "…but what Brunel, of your dignity?" To which the great engineer replied, "You may keep it, and I shall keep the half-sovereign…"
UCLES 149 all out (29.3 overs)
Linsdell 57 (58 balls)
Thwaites 23 (46 balls)
Wylie 27 (31 balls)
Vice 1 (3 balls)
Wyatt 6 (5 balls)
Skipper Bobby 2 (6 balls)
Brock 5 (8 balls)
Walsh 4 (7 balls)
Ordish 1 (3 balls)
Kodavati 0 (3 balls)
Spitfire 1 not out (2 balls)
Engineering 153 for 6 (27.2 overs)
Ordish 2 for 25 (7 overs)
Spitfire 1 for 49 for (7 overs)
Wyatt 2 for 20 (7 overs)
Kodavati 0 for 24 (3 overs)
Linsdell 0 for 17 (2 overs)
Vice 0 for 15 (1.2 overs)
Engineering win by 4 wickets
