Just the faintest of tickles to wish all patrons a very pleasant Christmas and a fulfilling 2009.
Please remember that the blog will be open for mince pies, twiglets and Quality Street until 11.30pm and that Maureen will be serving her famous mulled wine (including her special ingredient which we suspect may be Marmite) from after EastEnders until closing.
It has been a pleasure to serve during the past few weeks and I hope to continue to speckle your clouds with silver linings well into the new year.
Whether you are off to the Boxing Day Test or the bottom of a box of FamilyCircle biscuits, I wish you health, happiness and the opportunity to practice your cover drives with an empty tube of wrapping paper. Until 2009...
Wednesday 24 December 2008
Monday 22 December 2008
Flash hard
"Sorry, sorry, sorry..." I splutter, bumbling into the room. My arms are full of disassociated paperwork, coffee mugs and a fragrant sense of misadventure. I have been missing for the entire month of December yet I reappear as though I was delayed at the bakers by a fat woman wishing to smell all the buns.
My apologies are however genuine. Last week I had flu. I don't recommend it. I was so weak I barely had the strength to throw anything at Cliff Richard at all. Luckily I managed a handful of phlegmgorised tissues and feel my point was made.
Anyway, shall we get back into this? June 2004 is our destination, at time when a 53 year old man from York was banned from all the hospitals in England and Wales because of an abusive manner and a fetish for surgical masks. And England are beating France in Euro 2004 and then suddenly they aren't.
UCLES* took to this self indulgent field of dreams as Monk, Lawrence, Linsdell, Wylie, Visage, Richards, Braithwaite, Siyambalapitiya, Robinson, Dagless, Danson.
My apologies are however genuine. Last week I had flu. I don't recommend it. I was so weak I barely had the strength to throw anything at Cliff Richard at all. Luckily I managed a handful of phlegmgorised tissues and feel my point was made.
Anyway, shall we get back into this? June 2004 is our destination, at time when a 53 year old man from York was banned from all the hospitals in England and Wales because of an abusive manner and a fetish for surgical masks. And England are beating France in Euro 2004 and then suddenly they aren't.
UCLES* took to this self indulgent field of dreams as Monk, Lawrence, Linsdell, Wylie, Visage, Richards, Braithwaite, Siyambalapitiya, Robinson, Dagless, Danson.
UCLES* v Physics (15/06/04)
Amidst the Serengeti-sized plains of Churchill College, UCLES last night produced one of their finest ever performances to beat Physics, the current leagues champions, by a dismissive 8 wickets.
A few years ago, all the term 'Physics' meant to me was sitting at the back of a musty classroom, scratching I.T.F.C into a thick wooden desk with a compass whilst trying to work out which of the girls in the room were wearing bras. Nowadays, the term 'Physics' has become synonymous with watching a small red ball fly around a Cambridge field. I occasionally try and work out which UCLES players are wearing bras, but only in-between overs.
Having won the toss and elected to field, UCLES learned very quickly that the Physics leading batsman was still in reasonably good nick, swatting Richards and Siyambalapitiya effortlessly around the mighty Churchill outfield. Indeed Visage was required to use the Park and Ride service to retrieve one lusty blow. With this talented pest at one end, much it seemed would depend on UCLES' successes at the other and before long the visitors had struck, Richards forcing the less notable opener to paddle meekly to Braithwaite behind square. That triumph however welcomed another star to the crease, leaving UCLES in the unlikely situation of bowling to a pair of batsmen that had both recently made hundreds at their expense.
And for a while this pair dominated proceedings with an impressive combination of power, timing and placement. Half-chances came and went without either bat suggesting they were particularly likely to get out and at 110-1 after just 12 overs, Physics were moving in to an apparently unassailable position. In an attempt to disrupt their healthy rhythm, Lawrence was rotating his bowling attack and this ploy finally worked as UCLES struck twice in two overs.
Firstly the impressive Braithwaite removed the Physics No.3 (mysteriously batting under a helmet - maybe he thought Monk and Wylie were going to bowl...) caught well by Wylie in the covers. Then, at the other end, came the moment which changed the game.
Linsdell, being given an over from the Lovely-New-University-Halls End (in the same sort of way Mark Richardson was given an over in the last test match) lulled the Physics opening bat into a thunderous cut shot. With Visage already hailing a cab to complete the fielding, Danson, standing at an unlikely point, hurled himself towards the ball to take a catch worthy of dismissing just about any batsman alive - and a few dead ones too. As they say - you never lose it. It was a moment of athletic genius and it left the junior players wondering just how good a player Danson must have been in his inter-war prime.
The remainder of the Physics innings then followed the pattern of the season so far with batsmen appearing and disappearing with all the regularity of the British Peekabo Champion. Linsdell was the astonished beneficiary of much of the collapse, picking up a further 4 victims in a tale longer than Ruud Van Nistelrooy's face. There was even the drama of two hat-trick balls as the home side fell apart. On both occasions Linsdell choked like an amateur yet still finished with an embarrassingly tidy 5 for 6. Never has mediocrity seen such reward.
A late flurry of runs boosted the final total but at 143-8 from 20 overs, Physics had fallen away badly and given UCLES a glimmer of hope.
A quick start was always going to be important and Linsdell got UCLES on their way. When the 'all-rounder' was dismissed on the sixth ball of the innings he had already bagged 3 boundaries in an 18-run first over. This wicket brought Monk to the crease to join Lawrence and the pair were immediately into their stride - taking advantage of some uncomfortable fielding and a lighting-fast outfield.
As the overs came and went, so the runs required fell away. With regular and often imperious boundaries, Lawrence and Monk were taking a grip on proceedings and moving UCLES to within sight of a famous victory. With the blood pressure of the batsmen due in next beginning to rise, Monk and Lawrence were calmness itself, the former cruising past 50 with another crisply timed push. At the other end however Lawrence finally succumbed just 3 short of his own well-deserved half-century, having added a match-winning 110 with Monk in a touch over 90 balls.
With the required rate down below 5 and Wylie scampering between the stumps for his life, Monk saw UCLES to the 144 required with more than an over to spare. As victories go, they don't come much better than this - clawing victory from the hands of defeat to chase down 143 against the reigning champions. In the end, the 8-wicket triumph was something of a thrashing. A tremendous team performance with everyone playing a key part.
Perhaps surprisingly, Physics were stunned. After all Newton's Third Law of Motion says, 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.' Funny really then, that they didn't see this coming…
A few years ago, all the term 'Physics' meant to me was sitting at the back of a musty classroom, scratching I.T.F.C into a thick wooden desk with a compass whilst trying to work out which of the girls in the room were wearing bras. Nowadays, the term 'Physics' has become synonymous with watching a small red ball fly around a Cambridge field. I occasionally try and work out which UCLES players are wearing bras, but only in-between overs.
Having won the toss and elected to field, UCLES learned very quickly that the Physics leading batsman was still in reasonably good nick, swatting Richards and Siyambalapitiya effortlessly around the mighty Churchill outfield. Indeed Visage was required to use the Park and Ride service to retrieve one lusty blow. With this talented pest at one end, much it seemed would depend on UCLES' successes at the other and before long the visitors had struck, Richards forcing the less notable opener to paddle meekly to Braithwaite behind square. That triumph however welcomed another star to the crease, leaving UCLES in the unlikely situation of bowling to a pair of batsmen that had both recently made hundreds at their expense.
And for a while this pair dominated proceedings with an impressive combination of power, timing and placement. Half-chances came and went without either bat suggesting they were particularly likely to get out and at 110-1 after just 12 overs, Physics were moving in to an apparently unassailable position. In an attempt to disrupt their healthy rhythm, Lawrence was rotating his bowling attack and this ploy finally worked as UCLES struck twice in two overs.
Firstly the impressive Braithwaite removed the Physics No.3 (mysteriously batting under a helmet - maybe he thought Monk and Wylie were going to bowl...) caught well by Wylie in the covers. Then, at the other end, came the moment which changed the game.
Linsdell, being given an over from the Lovely-New-University-Halls End (in the same sort of way Mark Richardson was given an over in the last test match) lulled the Physics opening bat into a thunderous cut shot. With Visage already hailing a cab to complete the fielding, Danson, standing at an unlikely point, hurled himself towards the ball to take a catch worthy of dismissing just about any batsman alive - and a few dead ones too. As they say - you never lose it. It was a moment of athletic genius and it left the junior players wondering just how good a player Danson must have been in his inter-war prime.
The remainder of the Physics innings then followed the pattern of the season so far with batsmen appearing and disappearing with all the regularity of the British Peekabo Champion. Linsdell was the astonished beneficiary of much of the collapse, picking up a further 4 victims in a tale longer than Ruud Van Nistelrooy's face. There was even the drama of two hat-trick balls as the home side fell apart. On both occasions Linsdell choked like an amateur yet still finished with an embarrassingly tidy 5 for 6. Never has mediocrity seen such reward.
A late flurry of runs boosted the final total but at 143-8 from 20 overs, Physics had fallen away badly and given UCLES a glimmer of hope.
A quick start was always going to be important and Linsdell got UCLES on their way. When the 'all-rounder' was dismissed on the sixth ball of the innings he had already bagged 3 boundaries in an 18-run first over. This wicket brought Monk to the crease to join Lawrence and the pair were immediately into their stride - taking advantage of some uncomfortable fielding and a lighting-fast outfield.
As the overs came and went, so the runs required fell away. With regular and often imperious boundaries, Lawrence and Monk were taking a grip on proceedings and moving UCLES to within sight of a famous victory. With the blood pressure of the batsmen due in next beginning to rise, Monk and Lawrence were calmness itself, the former cruising past 50 with another crisply timed push. At the other end however Lawrence finally succumbed just 3 short of his own well-deserved half-century, having added a match-winning 110 with Monk in a touch over 90 balls.
With the required rate down below 5 and Wylie scampering between the stumps for his life, Monk saw UCLES to the 144 required with more than an over to spare. As victories go, they don't come much better than this - clawing victory from the hands of defeat to chase down 143 against the reigning champions. In the end, the 8-wicket triumph was something of a thrashing. A tremendous team performance with everyone playing a key part.
Perhaps surprisingly, Physics were stunned. After all Newton's Third Law of Motion says, 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.' Funny really then, that they didn't see this coming…
Friday 28 November 2008
Through the surface
Apologies for the hiatus. I'm afraid I suffered a rather unpleasant cold last week rendering me all but useless. Typically, very few people noticed.
In return for my neglect, today we will visit the most bizarre cricket match of my life. It was last summer and, in a strange way, it could only have happened in England.
My team list has been damaged by split tea and a rather heavy jam tart so you will excuse me if I leave you to guess the XI. The answer is probably there somewhere...
In return for my neglect, today we will visit the most bizarre cricket match of my life. It was last summer and, in a strange way, it could only have happened in England.
My team list has been damaged by split tea and a rather heavy jam tart so you will excuse me if I leave you to guess the XI. The answer is probably there somewhere...
UCLES v Molecular Biology (20/08/07)
Cricket people love to tell stories.
Sometimes they will spin you a merry yarn about a great contest or amazing triumph but, in all honesty, you’re more likely to hear a tale of the bizarre, bewildering and downright eccentric. One such story could surround a game played on a sad, dim August evening in 2007. A game that ended in complete darkness.
Make no mistake, even allowing for the obvious embellishments that I will employ, this was not an evening of long shadows. It was not a little gloomy. It was not a smidge on the grey side. It was darker than the inside of a coalman’s nose. It was not dusk, it was night. Last Monday night to be precise.
Despite persistent weekend rain, the surface at Emmanuel was just about playable in the way that black pudding is just about a sausage. The surface was tacky in parts and gelatinous in others yet after a season of 9 postponements, the UCLES* side would probably have been happy to play on a lightly skinned custard. From stage left, Ladds arrived to spectate and promptly changed his top on the street, like a gladiator discarding a bloody breastplate.
Having lost the toss, Skipper Steve was politely inserted. Opening the batting were Linsdell and Lawrence – a partnership sculpted in the heady summer of 2004. Think Greenidge and Haynes, Taylor and Marsh, Piglet and Pooh. The visiting Lawrence, taking a breather between overpaid IM contracts, joined a hyperactive Linsdell at the crease to begin what was expected to be a slightly uncomfortable innings.
With the ball, Mol Bol (no relation to Spag…and yes, I will do that joke every year, just accept it) started steadily enough, although from one end a slightly rotund bowler was grunting his way through the occasional short ball. Unfortunately for UCLES*, Lawrence and Linsdell would succumb to said grunter in the space of a couple of overs. Lawrence fell first, after a couple of snapping drives, when he managed to lob a catch to extra cover from a ball so wide it was wearing a notice to warn other road-users. Linsdell then perished attempting to pull the ball onto Madingley Road and UCLES* were 36 for 2.
The star of the UCLES* innings was to be Bean.
Sometimes they will spin you a merry yarn about a great contest or amazing triumph but, in all honesty, you’re more likely to hear a tale of the bizarre, bewildering and downright eccentric. One such story could surround a game played on a sad, dim August evening in 2007. A game that ended in complete darkness.
Make no mistake, even allowing for the obvious embellishments that I will employ, this was not an evening of long shadows. It was not a little gloomy. It was not a smidge on the grey side. It was darker than the inside of a coalman’s nose. It was not dusk, it was night. Last Monday night to be precise.
Despite persistent weekend rain, the surface at Emmanuel was just about playable in the way that black pudding is just about a sausage. The surface was tacky in parts and gelatinous in others yet after a season of 9 postponements, the UCLES* side would probably have been happy to play on a lightly skinned custard. From stage left, Ladds arrived to spectate and promptly changed his top on the street, like a gladiator discarding a bloody breastplate.
Having lost the toss, Skipper Steve was politely inserted. Opening the batting were Linsdell and Lawrence – a partnership sculpted in the heady summer of 2004. Think Greenidge and Haynes, Taylor and Marsh, Piglet and Pooh. The visiting Lawrence, taking a breather between overpaid IM contracts, joined a hyperactive Linsdell at the crease to begin what was expected to be a slightly uncomfortable innings.
With the ball, Mol Bol (no relation to Spag…and yes, I will do that joke every year, just accept it) started steadily enough, although from one end a slightly rotund bowler was grunting his way through the occasional short ball. Unfortunately for UCLES*, Lawrence and Linsdell would succumb to said grunter in the space of a couple of overs. Lawrence fell first, after a couple of snapping drives, when he managed to lob a catch to extra cover from a ball so wide it was wearing a notice to warn other road-users. Linsdell then perished attempting to pull the ball onto Madingley Road and UCLES* were 36 for 2.
The star of the UCLES* innings was to be Bean.
Resplendent in a range of County attire (he had spent the weekend standing very still in Hobbs’ window) PC Bean made a mockery of his team-mates’ struggles with a series of lusty and elegant blows. At the other end though, wickets continued to fall. Wood, Skipper Steve, Ordish and Hemmings all fell in a steady stream and when Bean was out for 39, UCLES* were still a long way from being competitive. A spirited and often elegant late onslaught by Parikh (ably assisted by Walsh and Spittle) pushed UCLES*, puffing and wheezing, past the 100 mark to a competitive but blushingly insecure 122 for 8.Surveying the vast Emmanuel skies, the majority of UCLES* fielders employed the infamous ‘second layer’ – more typically seen in May than August. Pullovers, secret t-shirts and, in the case of Danson (rtd), a couple of newspapers jammed down the corset. The visitors were roared onto the pitch by Wylie and his intoxicated and expectant gaggle of associates.
Even at this stage, the skies carried that ‘end of the day’ appearance and the lights in the pavilion were glowing ominously. Ordish and Danson (rtd) started well, making 122 look a long way off. Ordish in particular was uncompromising and dogged – asking questions that the openers were only just able to deflect and avoid. Despite a confident start, UCLES* weren’t able to grasp the early wickets they would clearly need and although the run rate was rising, Mol Bol still held the upper hand. Parikh, replacing Danson (rtd), finally secured the first wicket courtesy of a bold catch by Skipper Steve at mid-off.
Mol Bol were scampering like mice on a deadline and taking singles where only halves should really have been possible. UCLES* were lively in the field but somehow unable to complete the necessary run-outs. Linsdell in particular was throwing like he was an elephant and the ball a large balloon. Spittle replaced Ordish and after an expensive start he too was causing discomfort as dusk came and then went in the blink of a straining eye. As the 15th over drew to a close, a gargling wind and hissing drizzle arrived, like standing a fraction too close to a car wash.
Fielding became an adventure sport, dependent on sharpness of eye, balance of fortune and courage of conviction. Batting was arguably more dangerous, especially as Spittle threw in a steep and ugly bouncer. The next ball yorker that crashed the stumps was frankly a relief to the beleaguered batsman. Despite gallant and occasionally comic efforts in the field, it was becoming difficult to see how UCLES* could manufacture a victory. On the far side Bean was communicating with the square using a flashlight like a smuggler in an Enid Blyton yarn.
The penultimate over was an exquisite farce. The square-leg umpire, for some reason dressed like Ali G, stood no more than 10ft from the crease and a gaggle of UCLES* fielders surrounded the batsman. Personal safety was sacrificed in a simple attempt to see the ball and Hemmings was particularly gallant, risking his good looks in the interest of an implausible victory. Maybe he felt there was little to lose.
Even at this stage, the skies carried that ‘end of the day’ appearance and the lights in the pavilion were glowing ominously. Ordish and Danson (rtd) started well, making 122 look a long way off. Ordish in particular was uncompromising and dogged – asking questions that the openers were only just able to deflect and avoid. Despite a confident start, UCLES* weren’t able to grasp the early wickets they would clearly need and although the run rate was rising, Mol Bol still held the upper hand. Parikh, replacing Danson (rtd), finally secured the first wicket courtesy of a bold catch by Skipper Steve at mid-off.
Mol Bol were scampering like mice on a deadline and taking singles where only halves should really have been possible. UCLES* were lively in the field but somehow unable to complete the necessary run-outs. Linsdell in particular was throwing like he was an elephant and the ball a large balloon. Spittle replaced Ordish and after an expensive start he too was causing discomfort as dusk came and then went in the blink of a straining eye. As the 15th over drew to a close, a gargling wind and hissing drizzle arrived, like standing a fraction too close to a car wash.
Fielding became an adventure sport, dependent on sharpness of eye, balance of fortune and courage of conviction. Batting was arguably more dangerous, especially as Spittle threw in a steep and ugly bouncer. The next ball yorker that crashed the stumps was frankly a relief to the beleaguered batsman. Despite gallant and occasionally comic efforts in the field, it was becoming difficult to see how UCLES* could manufacture a victory. On the far side Bean was communicating with the square using a flashlight like a smuggler in an Enid Blyton yarn.
The penultimate over was an exquisite farce. The square-leg umpire, for some reason dressed like Ali G, stood no more than 10ft from the crease and a gaggle of UCLES* fielders surrounded the batsman. Personal safety was sacrificed in a simple attempt to see the ball and Hemmings was particularly gallant, risking his good looks in the interest of an implausible victory. Maybe he felt there was little to lose.
Only Spittle continued regardless, hurling the ball through the darkness. One huge appeal for LBW was rejected on the basis that the umpire could not see the batsman. With the scoreboard long lost in the gloom, three Mol Bol players stood on the boundary shouting the score after each ball. Finally, after the most ridiculous half hour of sport since ‘Javelin Catching’ was admitted as an exhibition event at the 1976 Olympics, the winning run was struck somewhere and a game that had ended as a contest a long time earlier finally ended for real.
The only time I can ever remember playing cricket in such light was back in the early 1990’s when Clifford Smoothy and I wiled away an evening on the Camping Close in Linton with a golf ball and a large Willow tree branch. I can still remember a lofted straight drive that missed his head by a matter of inches. Ahhh, the ridiculous idiocy of youth.
A decent all-round effort from UCLES* but 122 simply wasn’t enough. 150 would have been very competitive but then again we’d probably still be out there.
As I strolled to my car I passed Ladds leaning on the railings and staring desperately out across the darkened field. For a moment I considered tapping him on the shoulder and telling him that we’d finished but, then again, why spoil his fun? You never know, we may even have won the game he thought he could still see…
The only time I can ever remember playing cricket in such light was back in the early 1990’s when Clifford Smoothy and I wiled away an evening on the Camping Close in Linton with a golf ball and a large Willow tree branch. I can still remember a lofted straight drive that missed his head by a matter of inches. Ahhh, the ridiculous idiocy of youth.
A decent all-round effort from UCLES* but 122 simply wasn’t enough. 150 would have been very competitive but then again we’d probably still be out there.
As I strolled to my car I passed Ladds leaning on the railings and staring desperately out across the darkened field. For a moment I considered tapping him on the shoulder and telling him that we’d finished but, then again, why spoil his fun? You never know, we may even have won the game he thought he could still see…
Tuesday 18 November 2008
'Coming Back to Me' - Marcus Trescothick
In many ways, Marcus Trescothick’s autobiography is like many sporting memoirs – predictable, simple and unremarkable.
It details an impressive enough test career (a average of 44 compares very favourably with English batsmen of his generation), the occasional mouthful of dressing room gossip and the obligatory pictures one-third and two-thirds of the way through words that somebody else helped write.
What makes Trescothick’s turn at the book-signing trestle table a far more interesting prospect is however his unique perspective on the pressures and perils of modern sport. Put simply, international cricket almost broke Marcus Trescothick and ultimately, desperately, when all other options were exhausted, he had to admit that it hurt.
For most people, ‘homesick’ means nothing more than crying yourself to sleep on a Year 6 Easter trip to Walberswick, but Trescothick’s childhood discomfort with all things alien and new never really left him. Incessant, often intense cricket, a fierce media spotlight and the glowering, shifting walls of a 1000 faceless hotels have made the life of a test cricketer more emotionally and physically testing than serving in most European armies.
Trescothick’s time on tour with England – including the junior ranks – had always begun with a sombre and reflective few days until the rigours of the sport provided a distraction and a fresh focus. But with fatigue setting in and a young family at home it only took a handful of pieces of misfortune to send Trescothick spiralling from the imbalance and uncertainty to downright collapse.
Maybe misfortune is a bit glib. Stuck in the beautiful yet hideously unfamiliar sub-continent the last thing you want is a wife with post-natal depression, a father-in-law with a near-fatal head injury and, at a time of genuine social and political instability, an exploding gas canister on the edge of a cricket field in Pakistan.
Trescothick’s lifelong struggle with what was ultimately diagnosed as anxiety and depression had reached its nadir and, wrecked by catastrophic thoughts, panic attacks and nights without sleep he had no choice but to return home – first from India and then, after a false dawn of recovery, Australia.
Returning from the 2006/07 Ashes series all but brought the curtain down on Trescothick’s England career. If he couldn’t tour, then he couldn’t be an England player, simple as that.
Not that Trescothick didn’t try again - more pills, more counselling and more brave but false hopes. As recently as March this year, he found himself melting away in the corner of Dixons at Heathrow’s Terminal 3, faced with the prospect of a long flight and a pre-season tour to Dubai with Somerset.
Trescothick comes across very well. A thoughtful family man, observant, self-effacing and even witty, he is the striking antithesis of those brave new cricketers being endlessly carved by mercenary media moguls. Indeed he is probably one of those players (like Ian Wright in a football shirt) that made us all dream of being a contender long after it was ever realistic.
Trescothick is a player carved in England. Traditional, strong and loyal, he loves nothing more than a Somerset win and a night out with his Somerset team mates before a short trip to his Somerset home to spend some time with his Somerset girls. He just also happens to be as good an opening bastmen as England have produced this century.
History should judge Trescothick well. His record will hold up very well in the years to come. Although those able to tolerate the near constant cricket will dwarf his one-day stats, one does wonder how many more players will make 5000 test runs for England.
His sad demise (and make no mistake, this book is not a tale of weakness and woe, but of genuine physical fallibility) will be a badge he has to wear for the rest of his probably prolific Somerset career. But if we are looking for yet another reason to bemoan the modern sportsman we won’t find it here.
Trescothick is everything a sportsman should be, maybe even everything a man should be, and just as some players have careers shortened by busted ankles or tiring backs, his personal Achilles Heel, so to speak, was between the ears.
And we shouldn’t think less of him for that. Indeed, for a man that grew up in an era of pulling yourself together, he should be commended and admired for his dignity, his humility and for holding his hand up and asking for help.
It details an impressive enough test career (a average of 44 compares very favourably with English batsmen of his generation), the occasional mouthful of dressing room gossip and the obligatory pictures one-third and two-thirds of the way through words that somebody else helped write.
What makes Trescothick’s turn at the book-signing trestle table a far more interesting prospect is however his unique perspective on the pressures and perils of modern sport. Put simply, international cricket almost broke Marcus Trescothick and ultimately, desperately, when all other options were exhausted, he had to admit that it hurt.
For most people, ‘homesick’ means nothing more than crying yourself to sleep on a Year 6 Easter trip to Walberswick, but Trescothick’s childhood discomfort with all things alien and new never really left him. Incessant, often intense cricket, a fierce media spotlight and the glowering, shifting walls of a 1000 faceless hotels have made the life of a test cricketer more emotionally and physically testing than serving in most European armies.
Trescothick’s time on tour with England – including the junior ranks – had always begun with a sombre and reflective few days until the rigours of the sport provided a distraction and a fresh focus. But with fatigue setting in and a young family at home it only took a handful of pieces of misfortune to send Trescothick spiralling from the imbalance and uncertainty to downright collapse.
Maybe misfortune is a bit glib. Stuck in the beautiful yet hideously unfamiliar sub-continent the last thing you want is a wife with post-natal depression, a father-in-law with a near-fatal head injury and, at a time of genuine social and political instability, an exploding gas canister on the edge of a cricket field in Pakistan.
Trescothick’s lifelong struggle with what was ultimately diagnosed as anxiety and depression had reached its nadir and, wrecked by catastrophic thoughts, panic attacks and nights without sleep he had no choice but to return home – first from India and then, after a false dawn of recovery, Australia.
Returning from the 2006/07 Ashes series all but brought the curtain down on Trescothick’s England career. If he couldn’t tour, then he couldn’t be an England player, simple as that.
Not that Trescothick didn’t try again - more pills, more counselling and more brave but false hopes. As recently as March this year, he found himself melting away in the corner of Dixons at Heathrow’s Terminal 3, faced with the prospect of a long flight and a pre-season tour to Dubai with Somerset.
Trescothick comes across very well. A thoughtful family man, observant, self-effacing and even witty, he is the striking antithesis of those brave new cricketers being endlessly carved by mercenary media moguls. Indeed he is probably one of those players (like Ian Wright in a football shirt) that made us all dream of being a contender long after it was ever realistic.
Trescothick is a player carved in England. Traditional, strong and loyal, he loves nothing more than a Somerset win and a night out with his Somerset team mates before a short trip to his Somerset home to spend some time with his Somerset girls. He just also happens to be as good an opening bastmen as England have produced this century.
History should judge Trescothick well. His record will hold up very well in the years to come. Although those able to tolerate the near constant cricket will dwarf his one-day stats, one does wonder how many more players will make 5000 test runs for England.
His sad demise (and make no mistake, this book is not a tale of weakness and woe, but of genuine physical fallibility) will be a badge he has to wear for the rest of his probably prolific Somerset career. But if we are looking for yet another reason to bemoan the modern sportsman we won’t find it here.
Trescothick is everything a sportsman should be, maybe even everything a man should be, and just as some players have careers shortened by busted ankles or tiring backs, his personal Achilles Heel, so to speak, was between the ears.
And we shouldn’t think less of him for that. Indeed, for a man that grew up in an era of pulling yourself together, he should be commended and admired for his dignity, his humility and for holding his hand up and asking for help.
Monday 17 November 2008
Down the ground
What better antidote to a frost-scraping morning, than a bounce into May once more. This time we're in 2004 and let's take a close look at that UCLES side in a 'Where are they now' style feature - much like the inane way a Sunday supplement magazine would produce a piece about Grange Hill.
Linsdell - Still working for Cambridge Assessment, in the Catering department.
Robinson - Still working for Cambridge Assessment, in the Menswear department.
Wylie - Currently in hiding after an incident with a bridesmaid, an autograph and two dead fish.
Dagless - Took a new post in 2006 as the keeper of the Duke of Edinburgh's bathrobe.
Lawrence - Back in Australia, straightening chairs and putting away trestle tables.
Visage - Back in South Africa, on the run from the police for misuse of Angel Delight.
Richards - Still working for Cambridge Assessment, in the Compartment department.
Braithwaite - Back in the North East, mainly working as a puppeter.
Thomson - Now Head of Tins at Frey Bentos.
West - Still working for Cambridge Assessment, in the Wardrobe Department.
Danson - Retired. Living in Stevenage under the name Steven Age.
No wasn't that silly? Made me smile mind...
My promised review of MT's autobiography is on its way. I thought it only sporting that I should finish reading it first...
Linsdell - Still working for Cambridge Assessment, in the Catering department.
Robinson - Still working for Cambridge Assessment, in the Menswear department.
Wylie - Currently in hiding after an incident with a bridesmaid, an autograph and two dead fish.
Dagless - Took a new post in 2006 as the keeper of the Duke of Edinburgh's bathrobe.
Lawrence - Back in Australia, straightening chairs and putting away trestle tables.
Visage - Back in South Africa, on the run from the police for misuse of Angel Delight.
Richards - Still working for Cambridge Assessment, in the Compartment department.
Braithwaite - Back in the North East, mainly working as a puppeter.
Thomson - Now Head of Tins at Frey Bentos.
West - Still working for Cambridge Assessment, in the Wardrobe Department.
Danson - Retired. Living in Stevenage under the name Steven Age.
No wasn't that silly? Made me smile mind...
My promised review of MT's autobiography is on its way. I thought it only sporting that I should finish reading it first...
UCLES v Economics & Geography (11/05/04)
There's often something very special about the early games of a cricket season. And when I say special I of course mean wet. St. Johns playing fields are renowned for being moist, existing as they do under their very own toupee of grey cloud, and Tuesday night was no exception. The pitch was brown and sticky like a sticky chocolate brownie whereas the outfield had all the consistency of a three-day-old apple crumble.
Against this background of bizarre food-based metaphors Skipper James lost the toss and UCLES were asked to field. This decision was made easier for the Economics and Geography skipper by the fact that most of his side were a little late - presumably reading a dull text book over a small latte in Borders.
Skipper James opened with Danny Danson and Dave Richards - the latter arriving a little late following Skipper James' geographically-challenged directions. Unfortunately for UCLES, the senior bowlers began a little erratically, struggling to land the ball sufficiently close to the stumps to satisfy a very enthusiastic home umpire and extras sprinted into double-figures. However, as time progressed and vertebrae loosened so the old magic returned and at the end of their first 10 overs the home side had barely scraped past 40, with Danson (1 for 24) and Richards (1 for 19) both rattling the woodwork on one occasion.
On a cake-based pitch that was never likely to produce a large volume of runs, much was going to depend on UCLES change bowlers and in Dave Braithwaite and Steve Robinson the visitors had the men for the hour. Braithwaite (2 for 20) particularly starred, ably supported by the ever-reliable Robinson (1 for 26) and the Economics and Geography total of 89 always looked a couple of dozen short. Particular comment should also be made of the UCLES fielding which, on a very difficult outfield, was admirably enthusiastic. On some occasions however, enthusiasm is no substitute for being able to catch and a number of sharp chances headed groundwards.
Trevor Lawrence was quickly uprooted as UCLES began their reply, the gritty Australian playing on to his stumps from a ball that pitched on Madingley Road. Linsdell and Wylie then steadied the ship against an average bowling attack, taking advantage of some Vicar of Dibley fielding from the home side. Just when it seemed that the path to victory was clear and well-laid, so Wylie departed in unfortunate circumstances - run out whilst backing up by a combination of a Linsdell straight-drive, a bowler's foot and some impressively fair umpiring from Mr Richards.
Paul Dagless replaced Wylie but fell cheaply - bowled by one of the few good deliveries of the UCLES innings. Any thoughts however of a capitulation were quickly dismissed by Steve Robinson who joined Linsdell to guide UCLES through to a generally comfortable seven-wicket triumph.
Against this background of bizarre food-based metaphors Skipper James lost the toss and UCLES were asked to field. This decision was made easier for the Economics and Geography skipper by the fact that most of his side were a little late - presumably reading a dull text book over a small latte in Borders.
Skipper James opened with Danny Danson and Dave Richards - the latter arriving a little late following Skipper James' geographically-challenged directions. Unfortunately for UCLES, the senior bowlers began a little erratically, struggling to land the ball sufficiently close to the stumps to satisfy a very enthusiastic home umpire and extras sprinted into double-figures. However, as time progressed and vertebrae loosened so the old magic returned and at the end of their first 10 overs the home side had barely scraped past 40, with Danson (1 for 24) and Richards (1 for 19) both rattling the woodwork on one occasion.
On a cake-based pitch that was never likely to produce a large volume of runs, much was going to depend on UCLES change bowlers and in Dave Braithwaite and Steve Robinson the visitors had the men for the hour. Braithwaite (2 for 20) particularly starred, ably supported by the ever-reliable Robinson (1 for 26) and the Economics and Geography total of 89 always looked a couple of dozen short. Particular comment should also be made of the UCLES fielding which, on a very difficult outfield, was admirably enthusiastic. On some occasions however, enthusiasm is no substitute for being able to catch and a number of sharp chances headed groundwards.
Trevor Lawrence was quickly uprooted as UCLES began their reply, the gritty Australian playing on to his stumps from a ball that pitched on Madingley Road. Linsdell and Wylie then steadied the ship against an average bowling attack, taking advantage of some Vicar of Dibley fielding from the home side. Just when it seemed that the path to victory was clear and well-laid, so Wylie departed in unfortunate circumstances - run out whilst backing up by a combination of a Linsdell straight-drive, a bowler's foot and some impressively fair umpiring from Mr Richards.
Paul Dagless replaced Wylie but fell cheaply - bowled by one of the few good deliveries of the UCLES innings. Any thoughts however of a capitulation were quickly dismissed by Steve Robinson who joined Linsdell to guide UCLES through to a generally comfortable seven-wicket triumph.
Saturday 8 November 2008
Back of the hand
Sorry for the lack of blog last week, I was on holiday. Nothing more sinister than that. That said, my holiday was itself quite sinister and it rained non-stop. But that 'tis another story.
Also another story is Marcus Trescothick's autobiography, 'Coming Back to Me'. I shall have finished it by this time next week and if time allows I shall sprinkle some thoughts on this here bloggage.
Just a gentle sidestep into last season this morning, and yet another joyous hike to Sanger. UCLES* took to the duck's toilet as Skipper Steve, Linsdell, Brock, Ordish, Lane, Walsh, Siyambalapitiya, Gill, Ferry, Parson, Dewis.
Also another story is Marcus Trescothick's autobiography, 'Coming Back to Me'. I shall have finished it by this time next week and if time allows I shall sprinkle some thoughts on this here bloggage.
Just a gentle sidestep into last season this morning, and yet another joyous hike to Sanger. UCLES* took to the duck's toilet as Skipper Steve, Linsdell, Brock, Ordish, Lane, Walsh, Siyambalapitiya, Gill, Ferry, Parson, Dewis.
UCLES* v Sanger Centre (26/06/08)
If you take a man from the gutter and feed him from the table of royalty then eventually he will be disgusted by the prospect of a decent but simple soup. And so, inevitably, after a cricketing diet of the immaculate and unmerited, we have to go to Sanger.
Ultimately it is one of those unavoidable things in life, like visiting the dentist, cleaning the toilet or forgetting where you had buried the cat in 1983 and accidentally digging up the bones in front of the grandchildren when making space for their new sandpit.
Don’t get me wrong, it is a perfectly attractive place to play cricket, with sweeping ripples of green and the fluttering peace of a pond and all its contents. It is, in the end, the vast and unexplored mysteries of the pitch that makes trips to Sanger such a cause of deep sighs and general grumpiness. That and having to get changed in a toilet like a low-budget Superman.
And last Wednesday night’s pitch was no exception, treated as we were to a lightly combed shredded wheat affair with single strands of hay wobbling in an over-zealous breeze. To the bowler it offers a sly wink and a secret handshake yet to the batsman it snarls, curls its lip and threatens like a cat staring into the goldfish bowl. Skipper Steve once more achieved the runners-up spot in the toss competition and UCLES* were asked to field.
Ordish and Ferry began proceedings with the ball and for the first half of their innings the batsmen scratched and sniffed like a trap-circling mouse trying to weigh up the cheese v decapitation gamble. Extras were leading the way as wind and wildness battered Lane behind the stumps. Bounce was both irregular and optional as the pitch began to show the petulance of a spoilt five-year-old at her own birthday party.
Despite the difficulty the batsmen had in gathering runs early on, chances were at a premium and it took a suicidal single and a loopy Linsdell lob to conjure a run-out and break the deadlock. A second wicket feel soon after as Linsdell stooped to pocket a mis-timed drive to give Ferry his first UCLES* scalp.
Skipper Steve continued to rotate his bowlers in an effort to produce more wickets but ultimately only a second run-out materialised and UCLES* were powerless to prevent a big-hitting Sanger batsman from taking advantage. Some clean hitting and good fortune thus took Sanger to 152-3 in their 20 overs, a whopping total on a pitch that would have given you some belief in the defence of 100.
Linsdell and Siyambalapitiya began the reply, both slightly alarmed that the wicket keeper had chosen to wear a helmet despite standing 20 yards behind the wicket. Siyambalapitiya fell early on, yorked by a gentle in-swinger but Brock helped keep UCLES* in contention with another impressive cameo. Brock’s departure brought Skipper Steve to the crease and he stood beside Linsdell to look ponderously at the scoreboard like a middle-aged couple whose caravan had fallen into a ditch.
With Sanger still drunk from the thrill of making more than 150, the long-serving pair were able to keep victory on the agenda with some decent striking and devilish running. Linsdell slapped a leg side six before holing out on the long-off boundary looking for a repeat. The exact same fate befell Skipper Steve a few overs later as he attempted to repeat a crushing six over wide long on.
Despite the fall of wickets, the run chase had now become a little too close for comfort for Sanger and their over-zealous skipper proceeded to throw a magnificent tantrum at his own fielders, complete with arm waving, screeching and that broken voice that comes when people get really upset but desperately don’t want to cry. Impressively, they continued to ignore his instructions, wobbling about the field aimlessly like sheep with ADHD. Laughing at him would of course have been unhelpful so the watching UCLES* fielders unhelped as much as they could.
Slowly toys were returned to the pram from which they came and wickets began to fall. Fortune certainly abandoned the brave as Lane was run-out attempting a single to the wicket keeper and Dewis found a fielder with a neatly timed leg glance.
With a handful of overs remaining, attention turned to Ordish who made his intentions clear with a lusty hoik into the trees. But for all his power Ordish was swiping rather than striking. Had he been in charge of the dinner gong, then the duck chowder would have been cold long before Lord and Lady Fockingham had reached the table.
Parsons strode to the wicket as last (wo)man but with 18 needed for victory from the final 3 balls it was always going to be something of a challenge. In the end, she missed a straight one and, once more, UCLES* had failed to chase down a total at Sanger.
As the teams departed the field, Skipper Steve rather boldly asked the Sanger captain if he had calmed down, rather like when my Dad asks my Mum if she is still ‘excited’ after they’ve had a row. Fortunately Steve’s question was met with a wry smile, rather that the saucepan full of mashed potato that once faced my father.
Ultimately it is one of those unavoidable things in life, like visiting the dentist, cleaning the toilet or forgetting where you had buried the cat in 1983 and accidentally digging up the bones in front of the grandchildren when making space for their new sandpit.
Don’t get me wrong, it is a perfectly attractive place to play cricket, with sweeping ripples of green and the fluttering peace of a pond and all its contents. It is, in the end, the vast and unexplored mysteries of the pitch that makes trips to Sanger such a cause of deep sighs and general grumpiness. That and having to get changed in a toilet like a low-budget Superman.
And last Wednesday night’s pitch was no exception, treated as we were to a lightly combed shredded wheat affair with single strands of hay wobbling in an over-zealous breeze. To the bowler it offers a sly wink and a secret handshake yet to the batsman it snarls, curls its lip and threatens like a cat staring into the goldfish bowl. Skipper Steve once more achieved the runners-up spot in the toss competition and UCLES* were asked to field.
Ordish and Ferry began proceedings with the ball and for the first half of their innings the batsmen scratched and sniffed like a trap-circling mouse trying to weigh up the cheese v decapitation gamble. Extras were leading the way as wind and wildness battered Lane behind the stumps. Bounce was both irregular and optional as the pitch began to show the petulance of a spoilt five-year-old at her own birthday party.
Despite the difficulty the batsmen had in gathering runs early on, chances were at a premium and it took a suicidal single and a loopy Linsdell lob to conjure a run-out and break the deadlock. A second wicket feel soon after as Linsdell stooped to pocket a mis-timed drive to give Ferry his first UCLES* scalp.
Skipper Steve continued to rotate his bowlers in an effort to produce more wickets but ultimately only a second run-out materialised and UCLES* were powerless to prevent a big-hitting Sanger batsman from taking advantage. Some clean hitting and good fortune thus took Sanger to 152-3 in their 20 overs, a whopping total on a pitch that would have given you some belief in the defence of 100.
Linsdell and Siyambalapitiya began the reply, both slightly alarmed that the wicket keeper had chosen to wear a helmet despite standing 20 yards behind the wicket. Siyambalapitiya fell early on, yorked by a gentle in-swinger but Brock helped keep UCLES* in contention with another impressive cameo. Brock’s departure brought Skipper Steve to the crease and he stood beside Linsdell to look ponderously at the scoreboard like a middle-aged couple whose caravan had fallen into a ditch.
With Sanger still drunk from the thrill of making more than 150, the long-serving pair were able to keep victory on the agenda with some decent striking and devilish running. Linsdell slapped a leg side six before holing out on the long-off boundary looking for a repeat. The exact same fate befell Skipper Steve a few overs later as he attempted to repeat a crushing six over wide long on.
Despite the fall of wickets, the run chase had now become a little too close for comfort for Sanger and their over-zealous skipper proceeded to throw a magnificent tantrum at his own fielders, complete with arm waving, screeching and that broken voice that comes when people get really upset but desperately don’t want to cry. Impressively, they continued to ignore his instructions, wobbling about the field aimlessly like sheep with ADHD. Laughing at him would of course have been unhelpful so the watching UCLES* fielders unhelped as much as they could.
Slowly toys were returned to the pram from which they came and wickets began to fall. Fortune certainly abandoned the brave as Lane was run-out attempting a single to the wicket keeper and Dewis found a fielder with a neatly timed leg glance.
With a handful of overs remaining, attention turned to Ordish who made his intentions clear with a lusty hoik into the trees. But for all his power Ordish was swiping rather than striking. Had he been in charge of the dinner gong, then the duck chowder would have been cold long before Lord and Lady Fockingham had reached the table.
Parsons strode to the wicket as last (wo)man but with 18 needed for victory from the final 3 balls it was always going to be something of a challenge. In the end, she missed a straight one and, once more, UCLES* had failed to chase down a total at Sanger.
As the teams departed the field, Skipper Steve rather boldly asked the Sanger captain if he had calmed down, rather like when my Dad asks my Mum if she is still ‘excited’ after they’ve had a row. Fortunately Steve’s question was met with a wry smile, rather that the saucepan full of mashed potato that once faced my father.
Monday 27 October 2008
The maker's name
We slip seamlessly now into May 2006 and a pre-season friendly under newly annointed Skipper Steve.
May 2006 was a very mixed month. Ok, so there was death, destruction, despair and misery across the world but on the plus side Leeds lost in the play-off final.
The UCLES* side for this fixture was Linsdell, Skipper Steve, Dagless, Wood, Siyambalapitiya, Parikh, Hunter, Thighe, Ordish, Spittle and Danson.
May 2006 was a very mixed month. Ok, so there was death, destruction, despair and misery across the world but on the plus side Leeds lost in the play-off final.
The UCLES* side for this fixture was Linsdell, Skipper Steve, Dagless, Wood, Siyambalapitiya, Parikh, Hunter, Thighe, Ordish, Spittle and Danson.
UCLES* v Computer Labs (09/05/06)
May wouldn't be May without a greying of English sporting loyalty. As football's domestic party evaporates into twiglet dust, flat Vimto and 'New York, New York' so cricket's soiree opens with a shower, shave and pre-event drinks at the Dog and Duck on Thong Lane.
The UCLES* 2006 cricketing campaign began under a silver-blue sky and hazy spring sun - such a contrast to the weather of previous days which had been more Zanussi on rinse than picnics on daisies.
New Skipper Steve choose a strong side with many new faces to battle Computer Labs in a friendly at the immaculate Gonville and Caius fields. The usual surreal surroundings were in place, including fat ladies playing pat-a-cake tennis and a topless groundsman using a leaf-lower to blow grass of his grass.
Skipper Steve lost the toss and was inserted on a pitch that looked beautiful but in reality was like hairy play-doh. Linsdell and Siyambalapitiya began the innings gently with the latter dispatching two forceful boundaries before falling to every left-handers worst nightmare - a straight ball. Parkih entered to make his OCR debut at No.3 but he was soon also undone by a pitch which was bouncing slightly lower than sand.
Skipper Steve then joined Linsdell at the crease and the two stalwarts of post-Thatcher UCLES* cricket began to compile a decent partnership. Linsdell in particular was discovering that his new bat had more than just edges and after a couple of mighty blows he retired unbeaten on 50. Dagless then joined Skipper Steve and began positively, with UCLES edging nearer the 100 mark. Dagless however paid the price for some early exuberance and a lack of match fitness foced an early retirement at a promising 16. Wood then became the game's second debutant and he combined with Skipper Steve to take UCLES to a defendable total. Skipper Steve fell a handful of runs short of 50 with just 2 balls to spare to make Hunter the third batting debutant of the piece.
Despite some early sluggishness and very questionable running between the wickets, UCLES* ultimately posted 136-3 in 20 overs - a reasonable total on damp, green early season wicket.
Much of the hype that has surrounded the UCLES* side during the winter (you must have noticed the hype) has been about a new-look bowling attack. Adding newcomers Parikh and Wood to stalwart Danson and Welney-slayers Ordish and Spittle provided a prospect that had bruised many egos and thighs during the net sessions. There hadn't been such a buzz about the bowling attack since Ladds and Danson had been paired together during Harold Wilson's first term.
And so that buzz quickly became a purr as Spittle and Wood both began superbly with pace and movement, albeit on a pitch that supported the latter. The Computer Labs batsman quickly looked bemused and it wasn't long before Wood opened his UCLES* bowling account with a quick, straight and full delivery and then added another with a confident lbw shout. Spittle was mixing the occasional (note 'occasional' rather than last season's 'frequent') off-target delivery with some unplayable stuff whilst Wood rattled impressively through three very sharp overs. Danson replaced Wood and the legend, still defying all laws of medicine, virtually ended the match as a contest with three wickets in an over, including a first catch behind the stumps for Linsdell, standing in as a slightly ungainly wicket-keeper. Ordish then joined the attack and bagged a couple of quick wickets by delivering a mixture of full and short deliveries…sometimes on purpose.
The problem of course with relying on an all-out pace attack is that they tend to take a long time to bowl an over. Therefore, as the game drifted into its third hour, so the moon appeared stage right and gloom descended. Back in the days where all clothes were black, white or brown and everyone without facial hair had to wear a bonnet, it was well known that winter didn't really end until June had begun. And so it proved Tuesday night, with a Jane Austen afternoon becoming an Emily Bronte evening, complete with grey greyness, misty mistiness and damp dampness. Poor old Wood, an Australian by an unfortunate accident of birth, hugged himself like a six year old girl playing hopscotch in the snow. And even Danson, a man who has thicker skin than an idiotic elephant, revelled in an early season pullover.
With the sun but a distant memory, Skipper Steve stole a quick wicket, but not before Parikh and Siyambalapitiya had provided more signs of things to come with short but impressive spells. With the ball swinging sideways in the dark, the Computer Labs tail-enders did well to survive the closing stages - thus ensuring that we all had the joy of a tidy final over from Dagless.
All in all a triumphant start to the season for UCLES*. If the bowlers in particular continue to improve and impress, 2006 could prove to be a long, balmy and barmy summer.
The UCLES* 2006 cricketing campaign began under a silver-blue sky and hazy spring sun - such a contrast to the weather of previous days which had been more Zanussi on rinse than picnics on daisies.
New Skipper Steve choose a strong side with many new faces to battle Computer Labs in a friendly at the immaculate Gonville and Caius fields. The usual surreal surroundings were in place, including fat ladies playing pat-a-cake tennis and a topless groundsman using a leaf-lower to blow grass of his grass.
Skipper Steve lost the toss and was inserted on a pitch that looked beautiful but in reality was like hairy play-doh. Linsdell and Siyambalapitiya began the innings gently with the latter dispatching two forceful boundaries before falling to every left-handers worst nightmare - a straight ball. Parkih entered to make his OCR debut at No.3 but he was soon also undone by a pitch which was bouncing slightly lower than sand.
Skipper Steve then joined Linsdell at the crease and the two stalwarts of post-Thatcher UCLES* cricket began to compile a decent partnership. Linsdell in particular was discovering that his new bat had more than just edges and after a couple of mighty blows he retired unbeaten on 50. Dagless then joined Skipper Steve and began positively, with UCLES edging nearer the 100 mark. Dagless however paid the price for some early exuberance and a lack of match fitness foced an early retirement at a promising 16. Wood then became the game's second debutant and he combined with Skipper Steve to take UCLES to a defendable total. Skipper Steve fell a handful of runs short of 50 with just 2 balls to spare to make Hunter the third batting debutant of the piece.
Despite some early sluggishness and very questionable running between the wickets, UCLES* ultimately posted 136-3 in 20 overs - a reasonable total on damp, green early season wicket.
Much of the hype that has surrounded the UCLES* side during the winter (you must have noticed the hype) has been about a new-look bowling attack. Adding newcomers Parikh and Wood to stalwart Danson and Welney-slayers Ordish and Spittle provided a prospect that had bruised many egos and thighs during the net sessions. There hadn't been such a buzz about the bowling attack since Ladds and Danson had been paired together during Harold Wilson's first term.
And so that buzz quickly became a purr as Spittle and Wood both began superbly with pace and movement, albeit on a pitch that supported the latter. The Computer Labs batsman quickly looked bemused and it wasn't long before Wood opened his UCLES* bowling account with a quick, straight and full delivery and then added another with a confident lbw shout. Spittle was mixing the occasional (note 'occasional' rather than last season's 'frequent') off-target delivery with some unplayable stuff whilst Wood rattled impressively through three very sharp overs. Danson replaced Wood and the legend, still defying all laws of medicine, virtually ended the match as a contest with three wickets in an over, including a first catch behind the stumps for Linsdell, standing in as a slightly ungainly wicket-keeper. Ordish then joined the attack and bagged a couple of quick wickets by delivering a mixture of full and short deliveries…sometimes on purpose.
The problem of course with relying on an all-out pace attack is that they tend to take a long time to bowl an over. Therefore, as the game drifted into its third hour, so the moon appeared stage right and gloom descended. Back in the days where all clothes were black, white or brown and everyone without facial hair had to wear a bonnet, it was well known that winter didn't really end until June had begun. And so it proved Tuesday night, with a Jane Austen afternoon becoming an Emily Bronte evening, complete with grey greyness, misty mistiness and damp dampness. Poor old Wood, an Australian by an unfortunate accident of birth, hugged himself like a six year old girl playing hopscotch in the snow. And even Danson, a man who has thicker skin than an idiotic elephant, revelled in an early season pullover.
With the sun but a distant memory, Skipper Steve stole a quick wicket, but not before Parikh and Siyambalapitiya had provided more signs of things to come with short but impressive spells. With the ball swinging sideways in the dark, the Computer Labs tail-enders did well to survive the closing stages - thus ensuring that we all had the joy of a tidy final over from Dagless.
All in all a triumphant start to the season for UCLES*. If the bowlers in particular continue to improve and impress, 2006 could prove to be a long, balmy and barmy summer.
Monday 20 October 2008
Shouldering arms
July 2004 next and a toe into one of the more positive UCLES* seasons in recent memory. A feature of this season was Johan Visage. Visage - something of a warm vanilla ice cream with the bat and a mouthful of broken glass with the ball - was one of the finest fielders ever to strap into the UCLES harness and once ran a player out at St Catz whilst fielding at Kings and Selwyn.
July 2004 was still resonating with Iraq, 9/11, nervous flights and white powder so we're best steering well clear of the Wikipedia wall of wonder, 'cept to say that Shane Warne equalled Muttiah Muralitharan's world record of 527 test wickets in Cairns.
UCLES were Lawrence, Wylie, Linsdell, Monk, Dagless, Bean, Danson, Siyambalapitiya, Visage, Robinson, Streather.
July 2004 was still resonating with Iraq, 9/11, nervous flights and white powder so we're best steering well clear of the Wikipedia wall of wonder, 'cept to say that Shane Warne equalled Muttiah Muralitharan's world record of 527 test wickets in Cairns.
UCLES were Lawrence, Wylie, Linsdell, Monk, Dagless, Bean, Danson, Siyambalapitiya, Visage, Robinson, Streather.
UCLES v Judge (22/07/04)
UCLES brought the curtain down on an impressive league season last night with a 6 wicket victory against Judge Institute at Downing College.
With vast and dramatic thunder storms forecast Lawrence chose to bowl first on a pitch resembling a knitted cattle grid. And it was a decision that reaped swift rewards as new ball pairing Danson and Siyambalapitiya made good early use of the scouring pad surface. Siyambalapitiya it was that struck first, rocking the varnished ash with a swinging full length delivery.
Judge (notably missing the smattering of snarling imbeciles that dominated last year's proceedings) are a good side, but they were struggling to make headway against another shimmering UCLES show in the field. Visage in particular was bristling with action, smashing the stumps from cover and then smashing Bean from slightly closer in a frantic spell of high tempo cricket. On a day when a third umpire would have been very busy, the batsmen rightly survived. Moments later Visage almost took the catch of the season off Siyambalapitiya's miserly bowling but the Danson-esque dive yielded just sore finger tips and girly yelps of acclaim from team mates.
Bean and Robinson replaced the openers and continued the good work. With the ball gripping more than the John Grisham section at Waterstones, Robinson was particularly effective, providing Lawrence with back-to-back catches at short third man. Conjuring up more dots than a school optician, Robinson was strangling the Judge batsmen whilst Bean was among the wickets again, benefiting from Wylie's fifth catch of the season.
As overs began to drift away like pooh sticks on a hefty current, so the Judge total hobbled towards 100. Robinson helped himself to two more victims in a highly impressive spell whilst more sharp work from Monk and Bean produced another two run-out victims. Linsdell came into the attack at the death and despite six balls from the 'dross' end of the bowling continuum managed to snare another victim, caught by the swooping Robinson. The man they call simply 'Steve' then returned to see out another near-perfect over - although admittedly most of it was bowled to a man holding a cricket bat the way Michael Jackson holds a baby - and Judge closed on 98 for 9.
Only time would tell whether 98 was a good score on a difficult batting wicket but it quickly became clear that it was going to be at least competitive. Linsdell and Lawrence began quietly, as they do, sipping lemon tea and discussing current affairs between runs. Scoring however remained steady against some accurate bowling and enthusiastic fielding. Appealing everyone time the ball touched anything white, Judge were applying good pressure but the UCLES opening pair were combining the occasional boundary with sharp running between the wickets. For 'sharp' however you could read 'suicidal' with Linsdell especially surviving a number of close run-out appeals. Happily, the third umpire was still nowhere to be seen.
After passing 50 at a reasonable 5 runs an over, Lawrence finally fell LBW for 28. The overseas pro was slightly surprised to be given out by team mate Visage - a man who clearly hasn't learned the two golden rules of amateur cricket:
1) Never, ever give the captain out. If he thinks he's out, he will walk
2) Never suggest the cake the captain's wife brought for the tea was actually from Waitrose
Entrusted with the job of steadying the ship and maintaining the course, Linsdell immediately ran himself out, albeit victim of a surprising direct-hit from deep. Any lingering doubts about the outcome of the proceedings were however dispelled over the next few overs as Wylie and Monk brought the winning post in to sight. Making a rare appearance as straight man, Monk saw Wylie lift the ball around the Downing's expensive outfield before finally being bowled playing the sort of cricket shot you normally associate with Americans. With just one decent blow required for victory Monk fell caught and bowled. This paired Bean and Dagless for the finale. Bean prodded elegantly through the covers but mysteriously Dagless wasn't able to make the vital second run. This forced him to take the glory with a neat leg glance - and that was that, victory with 6 wickets and 7 balls to spare.
UCLES have won 8 of the their 10 league games, producing some high quality and high energy performances. Displaying admirable spirit throughout, the side have given themselves with a real chance of taking the league title. Only time and the weather will tell.
With vast and dramatic thunder storms forecast Lawrence chose to bowl first on a pitch resembling a knitted cattle grid. And it was a decision that reaped swift rewards as new ball pairing Danson and Siyambalapitiya made good early use of the scouring pad surface. Siyambalapitiya it was that struck first, rocking the varnished ash with a swinging full length delivery.
Judge (notably missing the smattering of snarling imbeciles that dominated last year's proceedings) are a good side, but they were struggling to make headway against another shimmering UCLES show in the field. Visage in particular was bristling with action, smashing the stumps from cover and then smashing Bean from slightly closer in a frantic spell of high tempo cricket. On a day when a third umpire would have been very busy, the batsmen rightly survived. Moments later Visage almost took the catch of the season off Siyambalapitiya's miserly bowling but the Danson-esque dive yielded just sore finger tips and girly yelps of acclaim from team mates.
Bean and Robinson replaced the openers and continued the good work. With the ball gripping more than the John Grisham section at Waterstones, Robinson was particularly effective, providing Lawrence with back-to-back catches at short third man. Conjuring up more dots than a school optician, Robinson was strangling the Judge batsmen whilst Bean was among the wickets again, benefiting from Wylie's fifth catch of the season.
As overs began to drift away like pooh sticks on a hefty current, so the Judge total hobbled towards 100. Robinson helped himself to two more victims in a highly impressive spell whilst more sharp work from Monk and Bean produced another two run-out victims. Linsdell came into the attack at the death and despite six balls from the 'dross' end of the bowling continuum managed to snare another victim, caught by the swooping Robinson. The man they call simply 'Steve' then returned to see out another near-perfect over - although admittedly most of it was bowled to a man holding a cricket bat the way Michael Jackson holds a baby - and Judge closed on 98 for 9.
Only time would tell whether 98 was a good score on a difficult batting wicket but it quickly became clear that it was going to be at least competitive. Linsdell and Lawrence began quietly, as they do, sipping lemon tea and discussing current affairs between runs. Scoring however remained steady against some accurate bowling and enthusiastic fielding. Appealing everyone time the ball touched anything white, Judge were applying good pressure but the UCLES opening pair were combining the occasional boundary with sharp running between the wickets. For 'sharp' however you could read 'suicidal' with Linsdell especially surviving a number of close run-out appeals. Happily, the third umpire was still nowhere to be seen.
After passing 50 at a reasonable 5 runs an over, Lawrence finally fell LBW for 28. The overseas pro was slightly surprised to be given out by team mate Visage - a man who clearly hasn't learned the two golden rules of amateur cricket:
1) Never, ever give the captain out. If he thinks he's out, he will walk
2) Never suggest the cake the captain's wife brought for the tea was actually from Waitrose
Entrusted with the job of steadying the ship and maintaining the course, Linsdell immediately ran himself out, albeit victim of a surprising direct-hit from deep. Any lingering doubts about the outcome of the proceedings were however dispelled over the next few overs as Wylie and Monk brought the winning post in to sight. Making a rare appearance as straight man, Monk saw Wylie lift the ball around the Downing's expensive outfield before finally being bowled playing the sort of cricket shot you normally associate with Americans. With just one decent blow required for victory Monk fell caught and bowled. This paired Bean and Dagless for the finale. Bean prodded elegantly through the covers but mysteriously Dagless wasn't able to make the vital second run. This forced him to take the glory with a neat leg glance - and that was that, victory with 6 wickets and 7 balls to spare.
UCLES have won 8 of the their 10 league games, producing some high quality and high energy performances. Displaying admirable spirit throughout, the side have given themselves with a real chance of taking the league title. Only time and the weather will tell.
Monday 13 October 2008
Fifth day pitch
Today's lucky dip brings us an absolute classic and the only report in the library which fails to produce an 'on the field' outcome.
It was July 2006, and Michael Carrick was reading his crystal ball well enough to run away from Spurs and join Manchester United for a fee 'that could rise to' £18.6m...I imagine it will.
Elsewhere, Brian Quailey joined Stafford Rangers on a free from Nuneaton Borough.UCLES took to the turf a man shy as Parikh, Dagless, Linsdell, Skipper Steve, Hunter, Siyambalapitiya, Streather, Ordish, Spittle and Wood.
It was July 2006, and Michael Carrick was reading his crystal ball well enough to run away from Spurs and join Manchester United for a fee 'that could rise to' £18.6m...I imagine it will.
Elsewhere, Brian Quailey joined Stafford Rangers on a free from Nuneaton Borough.UCLES took to the turf a man shy as Parikh, Dagless, Linsdell, Skipper Steve, Hunter, Siyambalapitiya, Streather, Ordish, Spittle and Wood.
UCLES* v Chemistry (31/07/06)
For the second time in five days, an UCLES* fixture was brought to a premature end by unseasonable bursts of precipitation. On this occasion however, the game against Chemistry had gone far enough for the calculator to declare a winner. “We need someone from Pure Maths!” someone quipped afterwards. It was a comment that was more factual than funny.
The game started with a stunning moment of sporting triumph as Skipper Steve final secured toss-based success. As he was carried shoulder-high from the pitch he bellowed across Latham Road, “…and so we shall bat!”
Skipper Steve was joined by Linsdell to open the innings under a huge sky that was sketched with weather as far as the eye could see. After a watchful start on a pitch weaved together from fragments of grass like a cheap wicker basket, Linsdell finally stepped up to the mark to twice pull the opening bowler over the mid-wicket boundary. A third attempt however saw Linsdell hit the ball up rather than away and he fell caught and bowled for 19.
Siyambalapitiya joined Skipper Steve at the crease and despite looking positive, he was soon bowled, and thus Dagless entered the fray. Some fluent striking from the new man kept the runs coming and UCLES* reached halfway with 45 on the scoreboard. Skipper Steve then provided a regulation catch at gully before a beauty in the same over dealt with the returning Streather.
Once more UCLES* were finding run-scoring a struggle and Ordish eventually fell to another gully catch as he looked to drive. Parikh joined the battle and with Dagless he pushed the score towards the 100 mark. Any hopes however of setting a major total were dashed moments later when Dagless was dismissed in legendary fashion.
Whilst attempting to pull a short one from a spinner he was struck a ticklish blow amidst his gentleman’s accessories, thus causing him to fall, bent double, to the pitch. As if the pain was not enough, Dagless then suffered the further blow of landing on his own stumps. It took him a few moments to recover his composure and straighten his anatomy before he hobbled back to the pavilion. It was the worst sporting double-blow since Eric Bristow saw a title winning double bounce off the wire and land on his in-growing toe-nail. It was also the first time that an UCLES* player had fallen 'hit-wicket' since 1950s legend Derek Humplethorpe mis-timed a hook in a game against Metallurgy and dislodged the stumps with his wooden eye.
Finishing the innings in a grizzly, mizzly and drizzly conditions, like batting in a car wash, Hunter and Parikh clipped, flicked and scampered their way to 93-6 in 20 overs, a figure which looked a long way short, even on a difficult service. However, had it not been for handy 20s from Parikh and the unfortunate Dagless things could have looked even worse.
With Wood arriving from a prior engagement just before the end of the UCLES* innings he was able to open the bowling in his usual fashion. On a helpful and bouncy track, Wood was causing all sorts of trouble with a mixture of full and short deliveries, eventually shredding the woodwork with a crossbow of a delivery. At the other end Spittle took the second wicket with a beauty to leave UCLES* well in the game.
At the crucial 10 over point in any potential abandonment Chemistry were 5 runs behind. Ordish and Parikh were the change bowlers and both worked hard to contain the single Chemistry threat - a large blonde chap that, like many University employees, drives a Porsche.
The weather was now steadily getting worse and alongside the moistness there was a developing gale. Within moments the rain was racing sideways like frightened crabs and with white shirts clinging to their breasts like clubs reps in Magaluf the captains decided to call it a day.
With Chemistry climaxing on 62-3 in 13.2 overs the game went to the rule book and the home side were handed the victory by virtue of a fractionally higher scoring rate. Lost 'on the Vera' the professionals call it...
Sometimes when a game is abandoned, like last week, there is little point in writing a report. Other times however, someone gets hits in the giblets and falls on their stumps…and then it all seems worth it.
The game started with a stunning moment of sporting triumph as Skipper Steve final secured toss-based success. As he was carried shoulder-high from the pitch he bellowed across Latham Road, “…and so we shall bat!”
Skipper Steve was joined by Linsdell to open the innings under a huge sky that was sketched with weather as far as the eye could see. After a watchful start on a pitch weaved together from fragments of grass like a cheap wicker basket, Linsdell finally stepped up to the mark to twice pull the opening bowler over the mid-wicket boundary. A third attempt however saw Linsdell hit the ball up rather than away and he fell caught and bowled for 19.
Siyambalapitiya joined Skipper Steve at the crease and despite looking positive, he was soon bowled, and thus Dagless entered the fray. Some fluent striking from the new man kept the runs coming and UCLES* reached halfway with 45 on the scoreboard. Skipper Steve then provided a regulation catch at gully before a beauty in the same over dealt with the returning Streather.
Once more UCLES* were finding run-scoring a struggle and Ordish eventually fell to another gully catch as he looked to drive. Parikh joined the battle and with Dagless he pushed the score towards the 100 mark. Any hopes however of setting a major total were dashed moments later when Dagless was dismissed in legendary fashion.
Whilst attempting to pull a short one from a spinner he was struck a ticklish blow amidst his gentleman’s accessories, thus causing him to fall, bent double, to the pitch. As if the pain was not enough, Dagless then suffered the further blow of landing on his own stumps. It took him a few moments to recover his composure and straighten his anatomy before he hobbled back to the pavilion. It was the worst sporting double-blow since Eric Bristow saw a title winning double bounce off the wire and land on his in-growing toe-nail. It was also the first time that an UCLES* player had fallen 'hit-wicket' since 1950s legend Derek Humplethorpe mis-timed a hook in a game against Metallurgy and dislodged the stumps with his wooden eye.
Finishing the innings in a grizzly, mizzly and drizzly conditions, like batting in a car wash, Hunter and Parikh clipped, flicked and scampered their way to 93-6 in 20 overs, a figure which looked a long way short, even on a difficult service. However, had it not been for handy 20s from Parikh and the unfortunate Dagless things could have looked even worse.
With Wood arriving from a prior engagement just before the end of the UCLES* innings he was able to open the bowling in his usual fashion. On a helpful and bouncy track, Wood was causing all sorts of trouble with a mixture of full and short deliveries, eventually shredding the woodwork with a crossbow of a delivery. At the other end Spittle took the second wicket with a beauty to leave UCLES* well in the game.
At the crucial 10 over point in any potential abandonment Chemistry were 5 runs behind. Ordish and Parikh were the change bowlers and both worked hard to contain the single Chemistry threat - a large blonde chap that, like many University employees, drives a Porsche.
The weather was now steadily getting worse and alongside the moistness there was a developing gale. Within moments the rain was racing sideways like frightened crabs and with white shirts clinging to their breasts like clubs reps in Magaluf the captains decided to call it a day.
With Chemistry climaxing on 62-3 in 13.2 overs the game went to the rule book and the home side were handed the victory by virtue of a fractionally higher scoring rate. Lost 'on the Vera' the professionals call it...
Sometimes when a game is abandoned, like last week, there is little point in writing a report. Other times however, someone gets hits in the giblets and falls on their stumps…and then it all seems worth it.
Monday 6 October 2008
One stump to aim at
Sorry we're a bit late this week. I bet you're all bothered...
Only arms length into the vault today to scoop out a report, and a comfortable victory, from this May.
The headline-grabbers at this point were of course Manchester United and Chelsea who had just decided the European Cup with penalty strokes. What a sight it was - an old man in a white tracksuit dancing in the rain. A few years ago they would have given him a community nurse, nowadays he gets a knighthood...
UCLES* took to the field as Gill, Linsdell, Skipper Steve, Brock, Danson (rtd), Lane, Parikh, Spittle, Siyambalapitiya, Hemmings and Ordish.
Only arms length into the vault today to scoop out a report, and a comfortable victory, from this May.
The headline-grabbers at this point were of course Manchester United and Chelsea who had just decided the European Cup with penalty strokes. What a sight it was - an old man in a white tracksuit dancing in the rain. A few years ago they would have given him a community nurse, nowadays he gets a knighthood...
UCLES* took to the field as Gill, Linsdell, Skipper Steve, Brock, Danson (rtd), Lane, Parikh, Spittle, Siyambalapitiya, Hemmings and Ordish.
UCLES* v Bio Chemistry (22/05/08)
For many years, May has been the crossroads of English sport.
To the left would turn the armies of footballers, buoyed by the tangy zest of glory or doused in the Muscovite tears of failure. Years ago, their departure would have been dignified and glorious - the last march of a brave regiment - toasted with brandy, cigars and hearty song. But this year they finished with a drunken hen party – noisy, attention seeking and full of recrimination, bewildered tears and vague memories of faces slapped and honour questioned. At this point, to our relief, come the cricketers from the right - clean, sharp, thoughtful and intelligent, refreshing the palate like a citrus sorbet to follow an unnecessarily heavy first course.
This is May - blossom and buttercups, sunshine and showers, cup finals and cricket. Oh, how we love it so.
Having departed the over-rated cup competition the previous week, UCLES’* concentration on the league shone through last Thursday evening with a victory so comfortable it should have come with a fleece-lining and padded collar.
Skipper Steve lost the toss beneath a smashing late spring sky and the opposition took the first use of a pitch cast in the John Terry mould - hard enough on the surface but more than a little soft underneath; clear signs that cracking could occur later on with unpredictable shooting and possibly spitting. Satire, my friends, satire.
Ordish and Parikh took the new ball and quickly made progress against a side that had decided to allow some of their non-cricketers first go with the bat. It was, predictably enough, folly. Three batsmen spent longer on the journey from the pavilion than they did at the crease as stumps were tickled, clattered and uprooted.
The other opening batsman had however clearly played before and he kept the run rate flowing despite being generally bamboozled by the unpredictable hooping of an increasingly muscular Parikh. When Ordish had finished battering the batsman and bruising Linsdell (who was, in all fairness, keeping wicket like a man with espresso cups for hands) he was replaced by Danson (rtd).
Despite being well into his seventies, Danson continues to defy medical logic with his general levels of health and alertness. Last Thursday’s game was clearly a big day out for a man that, just a couple of hours earlier, had been yelling “DEAL WOMAN, DEAL!” at his television.
Another bewilderingly good spell of bowling followed and Molecular Biology’s single batting threat was bowled by a ball that left him scratching his head like a mulleted teacher in a classroom of nit-ridded 5 year-olds.
With Siyambalapitiya and Lane tying up the other end, UCLES* were picking their way through a side that had a tail longer than a Chinese dragon at New Year. In truth the opposition, a good-natured jumble sale of the unwanted, broken or ill fitting never looked like making their 20 overs and finally expired in the 17th - having amassed a relatively paltry 85.
Gill and Linsdell began the UCLES* reply with a dipping sun leaning softly against their backs. Gill fell as early as possible, bowled by a ball that threatened to misbehave and then didn’t. The wicket brought Brock to the crease and, taking one look at his stance and attire, the opposition clearly felt another scalp was just moments away. Little did they know that by the time Brock returned to the pavilion, the game would be lost.
Much more at home on the tennis court than cricket pitch, Brock soon re-opened the slightly dull sport science debate about the transferability of skills. After a short time to settle, he began to produce some stunning shots – wristy, powerful and timed so sweetly that the sound of bat on ball was barely audible. At the other end, in a slightly more orthodox but doubtlessly less attractive style, Linsdell peppered the leg-side boundary three times in as many balls and UCLES* were well on their way.
The pair added 50 in 8 overs before Linsdell was perhaps a shade unlucky to be adjudged LBW to a ball that didn’t hit either of his legs, deflecting instead off the outside edge through third-man for four. In falling in such a fashion, Linsdell became the first UCLES* batsman to fall LBW without the ball hitting the pad since Godfrey Hatching-Mule was giving out playing against Chemistry in 1969 after the ball had slapped against his famously low-slung left buttock.
Skipper Steve joined Brock at the wicket and the game was soon over. Skipper Steve produced a stream of trademark cuts (unusual only in that on this occasion there wasn’t 25-30 minutes of cricket between each one) and Brock continued to irritate the opposition with ungainly fluidity.
Events came to a close a fraction after 8pm. The early finished allowed the core of the team to adjourn to the pub, Linsdell to race home to relieve his mother-in-law and Danson to pop home, fill the watering can, pop the dog on a lead and put the kettle on in preparation for a Friday spent watering the garden, walking the dog and having a nice up of tea.
To the left would turn the armies of footballers, buoyed by the tangy zest of glory or doused in the Muscovite tears of failure. Years ago, their departure would have been dignified and glorious - the last march of a brave regiment - toasted with brandy, cigars and hearty song. But this year they finished with a drunken hen party – noisy, attention seeking and full of recrimination, bewildered tears and vague memories of faces slapped and honour questioned. At this point, to our relief, come the cricketers from the right - clean, sharp, thoughtful and intelligent, refreshing the palate like a citrus sorbet to follow an unnecessarily heavy first course.
This is May - blossom and buttercups, sunshine and showers, cup finals and cricket. Oh, how we love it so.
Having departed the over-rated cup competition the previous week, UCLES’* concentration on the league shone through last Thursday evening with a victory so comfortable it should have come with a fleece-lining and padded collar.
Skipper Steve lost the toss beneath a smashing late spring sky and the opposition took the first use of a pitch cast in the John Terry mould - hard enough on the surface but more than a little soft underneath; clear signs that cracking could occur later on with unpredictable shooting and possibly spitting. Satire, my friends, satire.
Ordish and Parikh took the new ball and quickly made progress against a side that had decided to allow some of their non-cricketers first go with the bat. It was, predictably enough, folly. Three batsmen spent longer on the journey from the pavilion than they did at the crease as stumps were tickled, clattered and uprooted.
The other opening batsman had however clearly played before and he kept the run rate flowing despite being generally bamboozled by the unpredictable hooping of an increasingly muscular Parikh. When Ordish had finished battering the batsman and bruising Linsdell (who was, in all fairness, keeping wicket like a man with espresso cups for hands) he was replaced by Danson (rtd).
Despite being well into his seventies, Danson continues to defy medical logic with his general levels of health and alertness. Last Thursday’s game was clearly a big day out for a man that, just a couple of hours earlier, had been yelling “DEAL WOMAN, DEAL!” at his television.
Another bewilderingly good spell of bowling followed and Molecular Biology’s single batting threat was bowled by a ball that left him scratching his head like a mulleted teacher in a classroom of nit-ridded 5 year-olds.
With Siyambalapitiya and Lane tying up the other end, UCLES* were picking their way through a side that had a tail longer than a Chinese dragon at New Year. In truth the opposition, a good-natured jumble sale of the unwanted, broken or ill fitting never looked like making their 20 overs and finally expired in the 17th - having amassed a relatively paltry 85.
Gill and Linsdell began the UCLES* reply with a dipping sun leaning softly against their backs. Gill fell as early as possible, bowled by a ball that threatened to misbehave and then didn’t. The wicket brought Brock to the crease and, taking one look at his stance and attire, the opposition clearly felt another scalp was just moments away. Little did they know that by the time Brock returned to the pavilion, the game would be lost.
Much more at home on the tennis court than cricket pitch, Brock soon re-opened the slightly dull sport science debate about the transferability of skills. After a short time to settle, he began to produce some stunning shots – wristy, powerful and timed so sweetly that the sound of bat on ball was barely audible. At the other end, in a slightly more orthodox but doubtlessly less attractive style, Linsdell peppered the leg-side boundary three times in as many balls and UCLES* were well on their way.
The pair added 50 in 8 overs before Linsdell was perhaps a shade unlucky to be adjudged LBW to a ball that didn’t hit either of his legs, deflecting instead off the outside edge through third-man for four. In falling in such a fashion, Linsdell became the first UCLES* batsman to fall LBW without the ball hitting the pad since Godfrey Hatching-Mule was giving out playing against Chemistry in 1969 after the ball had slapped against his famously low-slung left buttock.
Skipper Steve joined Brock at the wicket and the game was soon over. Skipper Steve produced a stream of trademark cuts (unusual only in that on this occasion there wasn’t 25-30 minutes of cricket between each one) and Brock continued to irritate the opposition with ungainly fluidity.
Events came to a close a fraction after 8pm. The early finished allowed the core of the team to adjourn to the pub, Linsdell to race home to relieve his mother-in-law and Danson to pop home, fill the watering can, pop the dog on a lead and put the kettle on in preparation for a Friday spent watering the garden, walking the dog and having a nice up of tea.
Monday 29 September 2008
Soft hands
Something of a treat for you this week - and few of those in attendance will ever forget the power and quality of what they saw.
Back in July 2003, Michael Phelps was breaking a pathetic 2 world records at the World Swimming Championships in Barcelona. Liverpool were paying a mere £5m to Leeds for Harry Kewell and the word 'dossier' became part of day-to-day language for the first time since 1823.
UCLES took the field on that July evening as Lawrence, Linsdell, Siyambalapitiya, Monk, Thighe, Briggs, Braithwaite, Wilson, Ashton, Streather and Danson.
Back in July 2003, Michael Phelps was breaking a pathetic 2 world records at the World Swimming Championships in Barcelona. Liverpool were paying a mere £5m to Leeds for Harry Kewell and the word 'dossier' became part of day-to-day language for the first time since 1823.
UCLES took the field on that July evening as Lawrence, Linsdell, Siyambalapitiya, Monk, Thighe, Briggs, Braithwaite, Wilson, Ashton, Streather and Danson.
Friday 26 September 2008
UCLES v Metallurgy (24/07/03)
Thursday night, amidst the vast open spaces of Kings and Selwyn, UCLES beat Metallurgy by 31 runs to secure a second victory in a heady and magical 24 hours. The triumph, watched by President Murray and senior pro Ladds, was dominated by one of the greatest individual innings in UCLES cricket history.
Lawrence won the toss and elected to have first use of a wicket that hid it's secrets well beneath patches of wheat and small communities of grass. Linsdell and Lawrence opened the UCLES innings against an attack spearheaded by a young man bowling with run-up long enough to be the landing strip for a 747.
The pair coped admirably with the speed merchant, picking up runs elegantly between wicket-keeper and slips and bruises between knee and hip . Lawrence eventually became his only victim, trapped lbw for 13.
The skipper's departure brought Monk to the crease and having survived a torrid spell of bowling from the man who began his run-up in a different postcode, UCLES' lead batsman began to find his rhythm.
Linsdell's dismissal for 30 brought Siyambalapitiya to the crease and the all-rounder played the perfect straight-man to Monk's sharp batting wit. In the space of 45 frantic minutes, Monk introduced the hapless ball to new and exciting areas of Cambridge with a succession of smooth and masterful blows.
Cutting, pulling, driving and occasionally edging the ball with uncompromising power, the UCLES No.3 reached three figures in the final over, ultimately ending the innings unbeaten on 110, having struck 5 sixes and 14 fours from a paltry 56 deliveries. Siyambalapitiya's not insignificant contribution had seen him through to an unbeaten 23 out of a massive total of 188-2.
If UCLES thought that the game was over as a contest, they were quickly brought down to earth by a Metallurgy opening pair that took on Danson and Wilson to reach 30 before the end of the 3rd over. Danson wrestled back some much-needed control before Siyambalapitiya and Braithwaite began drying up runs like an expensive kitchen towel. Braithwaite finally reduced the pressure by supplying the weary Monk with a catch at mid-wicket before Siyambalapitiya produced one of the deliveries of the season to bowl the other Metallurgy opener who had raced to 50.
Though run-scoring remained heavy, UCLES continued to take wickets, thus making the run chase less and less realistic. Eventually Wilson returned off ten paces to join the impressive Siyambalapitiya and Braithwaite at the wicket-taking party and remove any lingering doubts. At the end of Thighe's match-closing over, Metallurgy had fallen 31 runs short at 157-9.
Another solid all-round performance from UCLES with notable contributions from Siyambalapitiya and Braithwaite with the ball and Siyambalapitiya with the bat. The game will however be long remembered for Monk's 56-ball annihilation - the stuff of legends.
Lawrence won the toss and elected to have first use of a wicket that hid it's secrets well beneath patches of wheat and small communities of grass. Linsdell and Lawrence opened the UCLES innings against an attack spearheaded by a young man bowling with run-up long enough to be the landing strip for a 747.
The pair coped admirably with the speed merchant, picking up runs elegantly between wicket-keeper and slips and bruises between knee and hip . Lawrence eventually became his only victim, trapped lbw for 13.
The skipper's departure brought Monk to the crease and having survived a torrid spell of bowling from the man who began his run-up in a different postcode, UCLES' lead batsman began to find his rhythm.
Linsdell's dismissal for 30 brought Siyambalapitiya to the crease and the all-rounder played the perfect straight-man to Monk's sharp batting wit. In the space of 45 frantic minutes, Monk introduced the hapless ball to new and exciting areas of Cambridge with a succession of smooth and masterful blows.
Cutting, pulling, driving and occasionally edging the ball with uncompromising power, the UCLES No.3 reached three figures in the final over, ultimately ending the innings unbeaten on 110, having struck 5 sixes and 14 fours from a paltry 56 deliveries. Siyambalapitiya's not insignificant contribution had seen him through to an unbeaten 23 out of a massive total of 188-2.
If UCLES thought that the game was over as a contest, they were quickly brought down to earth by a Metallurgy opening pair that took on Danson and Wilson to reach 30 before the end of the 3rd over. Danson wrestled back some much-needed control before Siyambalapitiya and Braithwaite began drying up runs like an expensive kitchen towel. Braithwaite finally reduced the pressure by supplying the weary Monk with a catch at mid-wicket before Siyambalapitiya produced one of the deliveries of the season to bowl the other Metallurgy opener who had raced to 50.
Though run-scoring remained heavy, UCLES continued to take wickets, thus making the run chase less and less realistic. Eventually Wilson returned off ten paces to join the impressive Siyambalapitiya and Braithwaite at the wicket-taking party and remove any lingering doubts. At the end of Thighe's match-closing over, Metallurgy had fallen 31 runs short at 157-9.
Another solid all-round performance from UCLES with notable contributions from Siyambalapitiya and Braithwaite with the ball and Siyambalapitiya with the bat. The game will however be long remembered for Monk's 56-ball annihilation - the stuff of legends.
Friday 19 September 2008
Corridor of uncertainty
And so the merry-go-round of self-indulgence throws us off next in July 2004.
A 17-year-old called Maria Sharapova was winning her first Wimbledon, Greece were embarrassing the millionaires in Euro 2004 and some bloke called Barack Obama was making his first keynote speech at the Democratic National Convention.
Oh, and at Lords, Robert Key was about to make a double-hundred and announce himself as, ehm...anyway...
At St Catz, UCLES were Skipper James, Monk, Lawrence, Linsdell, Bean, Visage, Dagless, Wylie, Danson, Siyambalapitiya and West.
A 17-year-old called Maria Sharapova was winning her first Wimbledon, Greece were embarrassing the millionaires in Euro 2004 and some bloke called Barack Obama was making his first keynote speech at the Democratic National Convention.
Oh, and at Lords, Robert Key was about to make a double-hundred and announce himself as, ehm...anyway...
At St Catz, UCLES were Skipper James, Monk, Lawrence, Linsdell, Bean, Visage, Dagless, Wylie, Danson, Siyambalapitiya and West.
UCLES v Chemical Engineering (20/07/04)
After a disappointing brace of defeats, UCLES bounced back in style last night with a comfortable 57 run victory against Chemical Engineering.
The original attempt to beat Chemical Engineering had been stymied earlier in the season by a relentless rain shower and UCLES were keen to finish to job this time. Batting first for only the second time this season beneath a sky that threatened moist wonderment, Linsdell and Lawrence made a typically steady if unadventurous start. Chemical Engineering were assisted in their early prudence by some bowler-friendly umpiring from Bean who found giving leg side wides surprisingly challenging. In Jerry's defence, he's a lovely man.
Slowly but surely the opening pair began to unearth runs until, with a partnership of 50 on the horizon, Linsdell was undone by a devilish straight ball bowled by a young man resplendent in Wrangler's very finest cricketing attire - more C&A than MCC. Obviously it would have been much better had he been playing against Sanger then I could have made some lame jeans/genes observation. Life is such a tapestry of disappointments.
Linsdell's now traditional got-in-but-never-really-looked-like-making-a-big-score departure brought Monk to the crease and it was only a matter of seconds before UCLES' leading run scorer began peppering the greying skyline with fizzing spheres of scolding red leather. With Lawrence also displaying decent form, the home side looked well-placed to batter Chemical Engineering out of the contest - until the Denim Destroyer returned to uproot the Antipodean's evening with another magical combination of slow and straight.
Wylie joined a well-set Monk and began by striking a massive blow back over the bowler's head. Unfortunately the ball gained more height than distance and a smart catch was taken five yards in front on the boundary. Wylie had spend a number of minutes before the game explaining to his colleagues about the difficulty he was experiencing with his new briefs. As yet we can not tell the extent to which the fresh undercrackers were hindering his performance.
Monk continued to keep the scoreboard flapping in growing gloom but the UCLES batsmen were struggling to stay with him - Dagless the next to fall attempting an optimistic square cut. Bean's arrival at the wicket heralded the usual display of enthusiastic scampering and diving but at the other end Monk was to fall just short of another deserved half-century - caught behind for 47. With a number of options at his disposal, Skipper James decided to send Visage in for the closing balls and it proved to be a wise decision as Golden Hurls sent both of the two deliveries he faced careering to the leg side boundary.
After a slowish start and a spluttering middle order, Monk and Lawrence has seen UCLES to an imposing 141-5 after 20 overs and confidence was high as the home side took to the field.
Danson and Siyambalapitiya began the defence in impressive style, with tidy and accurate opening overs. Danson provided the breakthrough, feeding Wylie with the opportunity to take a catch in his belly button before striking again with a ball that bounced like a fridge hitting sand. Siyambalapitiya took the opportunity to turn the screw at the other end, bowling a precious maiden.
With a rusty and dusty sky threatening another game-saving downfall for Chemical Engineering, UCLES were keen to ensure the tempo of their bowling and fielding remained high. And after a number of downright impudent singles, UCLES finally conjured the obligatory run-out, Lawrence turning a wild Skipper James throw on to the woodwork.
After a brief period of consolidation from the visitors, Skipper James threw the ball to Bean and after a swiftly dispatched loosener, the all-rounder was moved into his stride - irritating the batsmen with his nagging round the wicket line. With the UCLES fielding beginning to purr and bristle like a recently shaved tom cat and the skies above adopting a far less threatening stance, Chemical Engineering were beginning to feel the heat. Another panicky single allowed Bean to affect an ice cool run-out. At the other end Danson collected a third wicket to close with an impressive 3 for 21.
With Dagless keeping everyone informed of the required rate like a PA announcer peddling donkey rides at a country fayre, Skipper James and Bean began to display their prize-winning produce. Bean gave Lawrence both a juggling caught behind and a comfortable skier whilst Skipper James was coping admirably with a dangerously short leg side boundary. Wickets were now falling more regularly than one-legged Irish dancers and the pick saw Lawrence complete an impressive display with some sharp glovesmanship to stump the Chemical Engineering No.10 off Skipper James. With a thankfully dry evening becoming a blissfully mysterious night Skipper James unleashed an 'arm ball' (straight, no turn) to end the evenings events and see UCLES comfortably home.
Another top-notch display sees UCLES stay in with a shout for league triumph. Monk (yet again) and Lawrence starred with the bat whilst an excellent all-round bowling display was very well supported by dogged and relentless fielding. One more victory in Thursday's final league game against the beloved Judge will take UCLES to 8 league wins out of 10 and a very handy clubhouse lead.
The original attempt to beat Chemical Engineering had been stymied earlier in the season by a relentless rain shower and UCLES were keen to finish to job this time. Batting first for only the second time this season beneath a sky that threatened moist wonderment, Linsdell and Lawrence made a typically steady if unadventurous start. Chemical Engineering were assisted in their early prudence by some bowler-friendly umpiring from Bean who found giving leg side wides surprisingly challenging. In Jerry's defence, he's a lovely man.
Slowly but surely the opening pair began to unearth runs until, with a partnership of 50 on the horizon, Linsdell was undone by a devilish straight ball bowled by a young man resplendent in Wrangler's very finest cricketing attire - more C&A than MCC. Obviously it would have been much better had he been playing against Sanger then I could have made some lame jeans/genes observation. Life is such a tapestry of disappointments.
Linsdell's now traditional got-in-but-never-really-looked-like-making-a-big-score departure brought Monk to the crease and it was only a matter of seconds before UCLES' leading run scorer began peppering the greying skyline with fizzing spheres of scolding red leather. With Lawrence also displaying decent form, the home side looked well-placed to batter Chemical Engineering out of the contest - until the Denim Destroyer returned to uproot the Antipodean's evening with another magical combination of slow and straight.
Wylie joined a well-set Monk and began by striking a massive blow back over the bowler's head. Unfortunately the ball gained more height than distance and a smart catch was taken five yards in front on the boundary. Wylie had spend a number of minutes before the game explaining to his colleagues about the difficulty he was experiencing with his new briefs. As yet we can not tell the extent to which the fresh undercrackers were hindering his performance.
Monk continued to keep the scoreboard flapping in growing gloom but the UCLES batsmen were struggling to stay with him - Dagless the next to fall attempting an optimistic square cut. Bean's arrival at the wicket heralded the usual display of enthusiastic scampering and diving but at the other end Monk was to fall just short of another deserved half-century - caught behind for 47. With a number of options at his disposal, Skipper James decided to send Visage in for the closing balls and it proved to be a wise decision as Golden Hurls sent both of the two deliveries he faced careering to the leg side boundary.
After a slowish start and a spluttering middle order, Monk and Lawrence has seen UCLES to an imposing 141-5 after 20 overs and confidence was high as the home side took to the field.
Danson and Siyambalapitiya began the defence in impressive style, with tidy and accurate opening overs. Danson provided the breakthrough, feeding Wylie with the opportunity to take a catch in his belly button before striking again with a ball that bounced like a fridge hitting sand. Siyambalapitiya took the opportunity to turn the screw at the other end, bowling a precious maiden.
With a rusty and dusty sky threatening another game-saving downfall for Chemical Engineering, UCLES were keen to ensure the tempo of their bowling and fielding remained high. And after a number of downright impudent singles, UCLES finally conjured the obligatory run-out, Lawrence turning a wild Skipper James throw on to the woodwork.
After a brief period of consolidation from the visitors, Skipper James threw the ball to Bean and after a swiftly dispatched loosener, the all-rounder was moved into his stride - irritating the batsmen with his nagging round the wicket line. With the UCLES fielding beginning to purr and bristle like a recently shaved tom cat and the skies above adopting a far less threatening stance, Chemical Engineering were beginning to feel the heat. Another panicky single allowed Bean to affect an ice cool run-out. At the other end Danson collected a third wicket to close with an impressive 3 for 21.
With Dagless keeping everyone informed of the required rate like a PA announcer peddling donkey rides at a country fayre, Skipper James and Bean began to display their prize-winning produce. Bean gave Lawrence both a juggling caught behind and a comfortable skier whilst Skipper James was coping admirably with a dangerously short leg side boundary. Wickets were now falling more regularly than one-legged Irish dancers and the pick saw Lawrence complete an impressive display with some sharp glovesmanship to stump the Chemical Engineering No.10 off Skipper James. With a thankfully dry evening becoming a blissfully mysterious night Skipper James unleashed an 'arm ball' (straight, no turn) to end the evenings events and see UCLES comfortably home.
Another top-notch display sees UCLES stay in with a shout for league triumph. Monk (yet again) and Lawrence starred with the bat whilst an excellent all-round bowling display was very well supported by dogged and relentless fielding. One more victory in Thursday's final league game against the beloved Judge will take UCLES to 8 league wins out of 10 and a very handy clubhouse lead.
Friday 12 September 2008
Angled face
At the start of July 2005, London was going through yet another turbulent period in its astonishingly varied history. Before the ticker tape had settled on the Olympic party, the spectre of terrorism had returned to the capital once more and everything had changed again.
A fortnight later, as the country began to unwind a little bit, sport did what it was invented to do and provided a distraction. Lords was ready, England were ready and the greatest Ashes series of all time was about to begin.
Back beyond the boundaries of mediocrity, UCLES* took to the field against Molecular Biology as Skipper James, Linsdell, Bean, Siyambalapitiya, Costello, Monk, Visage, West, Thighe, White and Ordish.
This particular entry is dedicated to (former) Skipper Steve who got married on Saturday. I know, I couldn't believe it either but the camera doesn't lie...
UCLES* v Molecular Biology (19/07/05)
They say lightening never strikes twice in the same place. This is of course nonsense.
My Uncle Glenn was struck 4 times during the great storm of 1987 as he attempted to clear leaves out of his guttering with a metal curtain pole. It wouldn't have been so bad of course had he not been at the front of an impromptu family conga. When the police finally arrived my socially-challenged relatives were fused together like a man-sized Curlywurly.
And it was deja vu all over again last night as UCLES*, chasing Molecular Biology's 111 for 4, imploded in the middle order like an overcooked soufflé and threatened to repeat the startling disaster of last week's failure chasing just 93. Surely it wouldn't happen again.
Bowling first amidst the mighty fields of Kings and Selwyn and beneath a leaden yet impotent sky, UCLES* made a solid start with Siyambalapitiya forcing the openers to defend their stumps whilst Ordish forced them to defend their heads. Siyambalapitiya's brief spell was however brought to a swift end by one punishing over - most notably the full toss that was hit so far the ball was brought back by a seagull.
Siyambalapitiya was replaced by Costello who proceeded to bowl two successive maidens as Molecular Biology managed just one run from three overs. Ordish finished his spell having only conceded 16 runs. As so often this season, he was very difficult to handle when the radar was chirping nicely. Skipper James replaced Ordish whilst Costello struck the first blow, the dangerous looking opener trapped lbw. As Molecular Biology became increasingly aware that 4-an-over wouldn't be enough they began to take risks and UCLES* took advantage to affect two run-outs, one achieved by a typically mighty throw from the deep by Visage, whilst the other stemmed from a perhaps slightly desperate attempt to take a single to a wicket keeper standing up to the stumps.
With Bean continuing Costello's good work and Skipper James dropping the ball on a sixpence, UCLES tightened the screw in the final overs. Skipper James finally picked-up a deserved wicket with the worst ball of the day - West taking a catch after the batsmen had attempted to hit a long-hop into Addenbrookes car park. With a slight lack of ambition, both with the bat and running between the wickets, Molecular Biology's final total of 111 for 4 looked like a missed opportunity on a decent batting track, but credit must go to a second successive strong performance from UCLES* in the field.
With Skipper James nursing a nasty impact injury to his right hand sustained whilst fielding, Siyambalapitiya joined Linsdell to open the batting. The new pair started reasonably well against an unusual pace and spin combination moving past the 20-mark inside four overs. Siyambalapitiya's run-a-ball 10 was then brought to an end by a loopy full toss. Siyambalapitiya stared menacingly at the umpire before walking after he was informed that you couldn't call a no-ball against a beamer that had hit middle stump.
Linsdell's new partner didn't hang around long - Monk skying his 4th ball and falling for 2. Monk's replacement was Bean, whose previous batting performances had yielded 0 runs from 4 balls in 3 innings. With such form behind him it was perhaps surprising to see him begin so strongly with a series of lusty strokes. With the run-rate consistently above 5-an-over, Linsdell and Bean began to chase down the total, relying on some powerful hits, strong running and a fair bit of good fortune. By the 10th over the required rate had fallen below the innings rate and the pair were progressing steadily against a solid if uninspiring attack. Putting fielders under pressure at every opportunity, the UCLES* batsmen were gradually taking the game away from their hosts. When Linsdell finally fell in the 15th over, UCLES* were just a couple of dozen short of victory.
With victory well within grasp the good ship UCLES* began to take water as first Bean, then Visage and West all fell in quick succession leaving UCLES a precarious 95-6, still 17 runs short of victory. The highlight of this frantic period had doubtlessly been the sight of Monk running for Visage who was nursing a bizarre squat-thrust based injury.
This flurry of wickets brought Costello and Skipper James together at the crease (despite the latter brandishing a hand swollen like a comically inflated surgical glove) amidst an ever expanding sense of tension spreading through the side - born of course out of last week's desperate failure. "Deja vu sir? We've got lumps of it round the back"
However, with the groundsman going through pages 18-41 of the Kama Sutra with a cat so large there were Zebra bones on the outfield, the two seasoned pros took that vital bit of control and guided UCLES* home with 4 wickets and 2 overs to spare. Indeed, there was even time for the experienced pair to run three although admittedly the ball went so far from the pitch that Thora Hird would have been turning for 4 on her stair lift.
My Uncle Glenn was struck 4 times during the great storm of 1987 as he attempted to clear leaves out of his guttering with a metal curtain pole. It wouldn't have been so bad of course had he not been at the front of an impromptu family conga. When the police finally arrived my socially-challenged relatives were fused together like a man-sized Curlywurly.
And it was deja vu all over again last night as UCLES*, chasing Molecular Biology's 111 for 4, imploded in the middle order like an overcooked soufflé and threatened to repeat the startling disaster of last week's failure chasing just 93. Surely it wouldn't happen again.
Bowling first amidst the mighty fields of Kings and Selwyn and beneath a leaden yet impotent sky, UCLES* made a solid start with Siyambalapitiya forcing the openers to defend their stumps whilst Ordish forced them to defend their heads. Siyambalapitiya's brief spell was however brought to a swift end by one punishing over - most notably the full toss that was hit so far the ball was brought back by a seagull.
Siyambalapitiya was replaced by Costello who proceeded to bowl two successive maidens as Molecular Biology managed just one run from three overs. Ordish finished his spell having only conceded 16 runs. As so often this season, he was very difficult to handle when the radar was chirping nicely. Skipper James replaced Ordish whilst Costello struck the first blow, the dangerous looking opener trapped lbw. As Molecular Biology became increasingly aware that 4-an-over wouldn't be enough they began to take risks and UCLES* took advantage to affect two run-outs, one achieved by a typically mighty throw from the deep by Visage, whilst the other stemmed from a perhaps slightly desperate attempt to take a single to a wicket keeper standing up to the stumps.
With Bean continuing Costello's good work and Skipper James dropping the ball on a sixpence, UCLES tightened the screw in the final overs. Skipper James finally picked-up a deserved wicket with the worst ball of the day - West taking a catch after the batsmen had attempted to hit a long-hop into Addenbrookes car park. With a slight lack of ambition, both with the bat and running between the wickets, Molecular Biology's final total of 111 for 4 looked like a missed opportunity on a decent batting track, but credit must go to a second successive strong performance from UCLES* in the field.
With Skipper James nursing a nasty impact injury to his right hand sustained whilst fielding, Siyambalapitiya joined Linsdell to open the batting. The new pair started reasonably well against an unusual pace and spin combination moving past the 20-mark inside four overs. Siyambalapitiya's run-a-ball 10 was then brought to an end by a loopy full toss. Siyambalapitiya stared menacingly at the umpire before walking after he was informed that you couldn't call a no-ball against a beamer that had hit middle stump.
Linsdell's new partner didn't hang around long - Monk skying his 4th ball and falling for 2. Monk's replacement was Bean, whose previous batting performances had yielded 0 runs from 4 balls in 3 innings. With such form behind him it was perhaps surprising to see him begin so strongly with a series of lusty strokes. With the run-rate consistently above 5-an-over, Linsdell and Bean began to chase down the total, relying on some powerful hits, strong running and a fair bit of good fortune. By the 10th over the required rate had fallen below the innings rate and the pair were progressing steadily against a solid if uninspiring attack. Putting fielders under pressure at every opportunity, the UCLES* batsmen were gradually taking the game away from their hosts. When Linsdell finally fell in the 15th over, UCLES* were just a couple of dozen short of victory.
With victory well within grasp the good ship UCLES* began to take water as first Bean, then Visage and West all fell in quick succession leaving UCLES a precarious 95-6, still 17 runs short of victory. The highlight of this frantic period had doubtlessly been the sight of Monk running for Visage who was nursing a bizarre squat-thrust based injury.
This flurry of wickets brought Costello and Skipper James together at the crease (despite the latter brandishing a hand swollen like a comically inflated surgical glove) amidst an ever expanding sense of tension spreading through the side - born of course out of last week's desperate failure. "Deja vu sir? We've got lumps of it round the back"
However, with the groundsman going through pages 18-41 of the Kama Sutra with a cat so large there were Zebra bones on the outfield, the two seasoned pros took that vital bit of control and guided UCLES* home with 4 wickets and 2 overs to spare. Indeed, there was even time for the experienced pair to run three although admittedly the ball went so far from the pitch that Thora Hird would have been turning for 4 on her stair lift.
Monday 8 September 2008
Turning for two...
Ok, so next up we head back to July 2003 and a clash with Remnants.
These fixtures used to be annual affairs (indeed we played them twice in 2003) but the relationship has since broken down due to 'irreconcilable differences'.
The wider, global picture is one of war, war and more war - so let's not dwell. Let's enjoy instead the Minister of Justice in Finland who on the same day that UCLES played Remnants suggested that there should perhaps be legalised brothels for handicapped people. Bless Wikipedia...
At Edgbaston, the wicket was being prepared for messrs Smith and Gibbs to put on 338 for the first wicket in the 1st test. Smith did however fail embarrassingly in the second innings. Ok, so he made 85, but he was bowled by Ashley Giles.
Back in Cambridge, the UCLES side (note there was no need for an * at this stage) was Lawrence (c), Wylie, Bean, Linsdell, Siyambalapitiya, Soames, Briggs, Barber, Danson and Thighe.
Have we ever played with 11...?
These fixtures used to be annual affairs (indeed we played them twice in 2003) but the relationship has since broken down due to 'irreconcilable differences'.
The wider, global picture is one of war, war and more war - so let's not dwell. Let's enjoy instead the Minister of Justice in Finland who on the same day that UCLES played Remnants suggested that there should perhaps be legalised brothels for handicapped people. Bless Wikipedia...
At Edgbaston, the wicket was being prepared for messrs Smith and Gibbs to put on 338 for the first wicket in the 1st test. Smith did however fail embarrassingly in the second innings. Ok, so he made 85, but he was bowled by Ashley Giles.
Back in Cambridge, the UCLES side (note there was no need for an * at this stage) was Lawrence (c), Wylie, Bean, Linsdell, Siyambalapitiya, Soames, Briggs, Barber, Danson and Thighe.
Have we ever played with 11...?
Friday 5 September 2008
UCLES v Remnants (23/07/03)
Last night, the Fitzwilliam College playing fields saw the second traditional Remnants v UCLES fixture of the season. With pockets of cloud gathering ominously like groups of young men in nightclubs, the skippers agreed the use of 15 eight-ball overs - a swifter alternative to the traditional 20x six-ball efforts.
Winning the toss, The Remnants had first use of a dry wicket speckled with the occasional glimpses of green - like mold coming through on a three day-old slice of Hovis. Two Remnants players joined UCLES in the field early on, one of whom was soon replaced by the delayed Barber, resplendent in explorer beard.
Danson and Thighe produced a tidy enough opening spell, with the 'senior pro' displaying no ill-effects from the extra demands of the longer overs. Indeed, the Finance Fizzer struck in his first set of eight, Bean taking a good catch at a widish gully. Runs and wickets thereafter began to appear at a canter, with Linsdell and Danson conjuring a run-out before Danson skittled a productive if bizarrely helmeted Remnants batsman.
The impressive Bean replaced Thighe from random-goalposts end and, with the assistance of the ever-reliable Danson (down the hill, with the wind), curtailed the run-scoring. Danson was then replaced by Barber, who may wish to look away now. Struggling with a swirling wind and a leg-side boundary so short that one of the wicketkeepers' feet was beyond the rope, Barber, and indeed the pavilion roof, came under assault. Skipper Lawrence later informed Barber that he 'may have bowled him from the wrong end' - Barber's response was admirably restrained.
Siyambalapitiya restored order with an impressive set of three, whilst Linsdell bumbled an over away from the other end with the help of an umpire that appeared to have forgotten his 'wide' signal. During which, their came a moment that will live forever. The Remnants' Barber-destroying right-hander (who Linsdell had already dropped off the unfortunate Bean) flicked a leg side half-volley to deep mid-wicket where Danson produced a truly sensational catch, twisting his body like a salmon caught in carrier bag. Danson took the moment of magic in his stride, pausing slightly to re-string his truss before continuing with the game.
To disprove the one-catch-a-season theory, Danson then pouched a simple chance to give Siyambalapitiya a deserved wicket whilst Bean and Linsdell combined for the second run-out of the evening. Thighe then delivered the final over and was unfortunate to see his decent figures abused in a final onslaught by another man performing beneath a lid. As the old Chinese proverb says...beware the man with his own helmet. The final Remnants total was a gettable 133-7.
Siyambalapitiya began the chase for 134 with an elegant first-ball boundary. Briggs however was less fortunate. Backed by a run of scores that read like a thermometer in the Sahara, Briggs was awarded the traditional prize of the in-form - a first-ball duck. His absence however brought Wylie to the wicket who began dismantling the Remnants 'attack' with an economy of effort. Wylie was soon joined by Bean after Siyambalapitiya was stumped for a promising 12 and Soames had succumbed without score. And that's where the Cartoon Capers began...
Without a broom, disgruntled dog or large Jamaican woman in sight, Tom and Jerry began the pursuit of victory. Resisting the urge to chase each other around the large open field, the traditional comic foes drove the total upwards, Bean lifting two elegant sixes to the pavilion and Wylie unleashing a succession of handsome straight drives. Within a matter of minutes, the cat and mouse combo had added 88, Wylie moving past fifty with a rather bizarre wave of acknowledgement.
Winning the toss, The Remnants had first use of a dry wicket speckled with the occasional glimpses of green - like mold coming through on a three day-old slice of Hovis. Two Remnants players joined UCLES in the field early on, one of whom was soon replaced by the delayed Barber, resplendent in explorer beard.
Danson and Thighe produced a tidy enough opening spell, with the 'senior pro' displaying no ill-effects from the extra demands of the longer overs. Indeed, the Finance Fizzer struck in his first set of eight, Bean taking a good catch at a widish gully. Runs and wickets thereafter began to appear at a canter, with Linsdell and Danson conjuring a run-out before Danson skittled a productive if bizarrely helmeted Remnants batsman.
The impressive Bean replaced Thighe from random-goalposts end and, with the assistance of the ever-reliable Danson (down the hill, with the wind), curtailed the run-scoring. Danson was then replaced by Barber, who may wish to look away now. Struggling with a swirling wind and a leg-side boundary so short that one of the wicketkeepers' feet was beyond the rope, Barber, and indeed the pavilion roof, came under assault. Skipper Lawrence later informed Barber that he 'may have bowled him from the wrong end' - Barber's response was admirably restrained.
Siyambalapitiya restored order with an impressive set of three, whilst Linsdell bumbled an over away from the other end with the help of an umpire that appeared to have forgotten his 'wide' signal. During which, their came a moment that will live forever. The Remnants' Barber-destroying right-hander (who Linsdell had already dropped off the unfortunate Bean) flicked a leg side half-volley to deep mid-wicket where Danson produced a truly sensational catch, twisting his body like a salmon caught in carrier bag. Danson took the moment of magic in his stride, pausing slightly to re-string his truss before continuing with the game.
To disprove the one-catch-a-season theory, Danson then pouched a simple chance to give Siyambalapitiya a deserved wicket whilst Bean and Linsdell combined for the second run-out of the evening. Thighe then delivered the final over and was unfortunate to see his decent figures abused in a final onslaught by another man performing beneath a lid. As the old Chinese proverb says...beware the man with his own helmet. The final Remnants total was a gettable 133-7.
Siyambalapitiya began the chase for 134 with an elegant first-ball boundary. Briggs however was less fortunate. Backed by a run of scores that read like a thermometer in the Sahara, Briggs was awarded the traditional prize of the in-form - a first-ball duck. His absence however brought Wylie to the wicket who began dismantling the Remnants 'attack' with an economy of effort. Wylie was soon joined by Bean after Siyambalapitiya was stumped for a promising 12 and Soames had succumbed without score. And that's where the Cartoon Capers began...
Without a broom, disgruntled dog or large Jamaican woman in sight, Tom and Jerry began the pursuit of victory. Resisting the urge to chase each other around the large open field, the traditional comic foes drove the total upwards, Bean lifting two elegant sixes to the pavilion and Wylie unleashing a succession of handsome straight drives. Within a matter of minutes, the cat and mouse combo had added 88, Wylie moving past fifty with a rather bizarre wave of acknowledgement.
The dismissal of Wylie for an excellent 56 brought Linsdell to the wicket who helped Bean guide UCLES home, the game ending with the new man straightening some of the pavilion roof tiles loosened during Barber's over from Hell.
Friday 29 August 2008
Back of a length
OK, here goes then.
As threatened, our first trip through the archive takes us to July 2006, just a handful of hours before yet another very memorable cup-semi final against Engineering.
In the news there is yet more fear, ignorance, loathing and violence across the world - and none more so than when John Prescott confesses in the Daily Mirror to a 2 year affair with an 'aide'. On the sporting fields, Steve Harmison was about to destroy Pakistan at Old Trafford and everyone wanted to know exactly what Marco Materazzi had said to The Great Zidane.
UCLES* were just 10 on the day - Parikh, Wood, Spittle, Ordish, Hunter, Dagless, Wylie, Linsdell, Siyambalapitiya and Skipper Steve.
Your commentators are Richie Benaud and Tony Lewis...
As threatened, our first trip through the archive takes us to July 2006, just a handful of hours before yet another very memorable cup-semi final against Engineering.
In the news there is yet more fear, ignorance, loathing and violence across the world - and none more so than when John Prescott confesses in the Daily Mirror to a 2 year affair with an 'aide'. On the sporting fields, Steve Harmison was about to destroy Pakistan at Old Trafford and everyone wanted to know exactly what Marco Materazzi had said to The Great Zidane.
UCLES* were just 10 on the day - Parikh, Wood, Spittle, Ordish, Hunter, Dagless, Wylie, Linsdell, Siyambalapitiya and Skipper Steve.
Your commentators are Richie Benaud and Tony Lewis...
UCLES* v Zoology (25/07/06)
UCLES* warmed-up for Thursday afternoon’s Cup semi-final with an ultimately comprehensive win at St. Johns over a Zoology side that featured four pairs of shorts, three beards and a girl. Originally, Zoology were allowed to field animals in their side as technically they were all 'active' members of the department and few of us that were there will ever forget the Reticulated Giraffe that made an unbeaten 175 in the 1953 fixture at Cavendish. Unfortunately, this privilege was withdrawn in the early 1980s after, under the cover of an away game with Molecular Biology, two Zebras, a European Beaver and a Gnu escaped from a toilet window at the back of the pavilion and haven't been seen since.
Although St Johns is famous for being a suet pudding of a surface, it's usual tacky doughiness was nowhere to be seen. With just a contact lens full of rain falling on the ancient city since the Spring Bank Holiday, the plains were so dry that Lenny Henry was in one corner of the field making a documentary. To say the weather was a bit warm would be like referring to John Prescott's children as a bit embarrassed. In truth, the game started in conditions akin to pressing your face against the engine grill of an idling bus.
With his hair swept to one side of his head like a small serving of iceberg lettuce, Skipper Steve obviously lost the toss. No captain has had such bad luck with coins since one unnamed skipper accidentally sat on a roll of 2 pence pieces when he wasn't wearing any clothes. The Zoology captain decided to field first, despite beginning with just 8 players.
Linsdell and Skipper Steve began the innings but the former was soon back in the pavilion after attempting a quick single straight to a fielder, no more than fifteen yards from the bat. He met his partner in the middle of the pitch who looked at him like he was wearing an inappropriate burgundy cummerbund. Linsdell turned, but didn’t make it back.
Spittle, in his now traditional role of scorer, viewed the game from the upper tier of the pavilion, surrounded by a handful of team-mates that had squeezed themselves onto the top deck like a gaggle of schoolgirls smoking make-up and applying cigarettes on the back of a bus.
Wylie joined his skipper at the crease and they weathered some tidy if uninspired bowling. Wylie in particular was playing some very attractive shots, although for a while he didn’t get within 6 inches of the ball. With Skipper Steve scratching around like a mouse with eczema, Wylie eventually got into his stride and began to find the boundary with elegance and power.
When Skipper Steve departed for a combative 27 Hunter made his first lengthy contribution to an UCLES* innings, helping the excellent Wylie to pass 50 for the first time this season. Although the St John’s surface was drier than usual, it was still favouring the bowlers, providing some erratic and variable bounce and when the innings finally came to a close UCLES* had mustered just 111 for 4, a total that seemed at least 30 runs short of target.
The modest total gradually became more and more brazen in the early overs as both Wood and Spittle threatened with searing pace and hooping swing. It was Spittle that struck first, drawing the edge and a stunning catch from Siyambalapitiya at slip. It was a very sharp take, dispelling the cruel rumour that Siyambalapitiya is actually made of cardboard.
Wood soon got into the act at the other end, mixing some awesome pace and bounce with a straight ball that was too good for this level. He would have had more than the 2 wickets he picked up had a clear caught-behind been given out. Not only did the batsman not walk, he even told Wood that he’d hit it. Wood was delighted.
The only batsman that looked remotely competent was one of the aforementioned bearded types, despite wearing an outfit that made him look like a fruit salad. His stay was however relatively brief, with Parikh adding his wicket to the brace that Spittle had managed from the same end. Ordish replaced Wood and, after bowling a couple through Linsdell, rattled the stumps with some top quality late swing.
With Zoology still more than 60 runs adrift and the game coming to an inevitable close the last batter came to the crease, dressed in a halter neck top, which was fine as ‘twas a female. Breathing heavily like 10 lifers, the UCLES* players welcomed the young lady to the crease. Parikh did what any gentleman would do, struck the young lady on the buttock with a beamer, and then bowled her.
Thursday 21 August 2008
Leg glance
Bizarrely, I've had some readers - let's call them fans - complaining that there aren't any reports up here yet. Patience people, the Olympics is not going to watch itself.
The first report will be up on September 1st and I intend to start with an UCLES* victory from the mediocre 2006 season.
In the way of a tease, I can tell you that Tom Wylie was man of the match and the report features a cummberbund, Lenny Henry, a young lady's buttock and a reticulated giraffe. Ahh, the memories...
The first report will be up on September 1st and I intend to start with an UCLES* victory from the mediocre 2006 season.
In the way of a tease, I can tell you that Tom Wylie was man of the match and the report features a cummberbund, Lenny Henry, a young lady's buttock and a reticulated giraffe. Ahh, the memories...
Wednesday 13 August 2008
First change
So this is how it will go.
I have a small collection of cricket reports written since 2003. The reports detail the mediocre, oft surreal adventures of a group of cricketers hereafter known as UCLES*. If the name is known to you then it requires no explanation. If it means nothing then fear not, for it probably always will.
Every week across the long, cricketless months, I will drop one of these reports here and run away. When I have none left I will begin to improvise but until such times the merry madness will unwind before your very eyes. I hope you enjoy them...
I have a small collection of cricket reports written since 2003. The reports detail the mediocre, oft surreal adventures of a group of cricketers hereafter known as UCLES*. If the name is known to you then it requires no explanation. If it means nothing then fear not, for it probably always will.
Every week across the long, cricketless months, I will drop one of these reports here and run away. When I have none left I will begin to improvise but until such times the merry madness will unwind before your very eyes. I hope you enjoy them...
Monday 11 August 2008
Opening
Maybe it is the sunshine. Maybe it is the deliciously slow progress or maybe it is just the unavoidable Englishness of every last drop.
Whatever the cause, cricket brings with it unrivalled, flawless eccentricity and tales as long and sumptuous as an afternoon tea.
What will follow here, in the weeks to come, is something of a Morris dance around our little corner of the cricketing compendium, where genuine ability rubs shoulders with mediocrity and bewilderment like middle-aged women at a Cliff Richard concert.
We shall start not at the beginning, nor the end, but somewhere in the middle. For no other reason than I thought it might be fun...
Whatever the cause, cricket brings with it unrivalled, flawless eccentricity and tales as long and sumptuous as an afternoon tea.
What will follow here, in the weeks to come, is something of a Morris dance around our little corner of the cricketing compendium, where genuine ability rubs shoulders with mediocrity and bewilderment like middle-aged women at a Cliff Richard concert.
We shall start not at the beginning, nor the end, but somewhere in the middle. For no other reason than I thought it might be fun...
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