UCLES* warmed-up for Thursday afternoon’s Cup semi-final with an ultimately comprehensive win at St. Johns over a Zoology side that featured four pairs of shorts, three beards and a girl. Originally, Zoology were allowed to field animals in their side as technically they were all 'active' members of the department and few of us that were there will ever forget the Reticulated Giraffe that made an unbeaten 175 in the 1953 fixture at Cavendish. Unfortunately, this privilege was withdrawn in the early 1980s after, under the cover of an away game with Molecular Biology, two Zebras, a European Beaver and a Gnu escaped from a toilet window at the back of the pavilion and haven't been seen since.
Although St Johns is famous for being a suet pudding of a surface, it's usual tacky doughiness was nowhere to be seen. With just a contact lens full of rain falling on the ancient city since the Spring Bank Holiday, the plains were so dry that Lenny Henry was in one corner of the field making a documentary. To say the weather was a bit warm would be like referring to John Prescott's children as a bit embarrassed. In truth, the game started in conditions akin to pressing your face against the engine grill of an idling bus.
With his hair swept to one side of his head like a small serving of iceberg lettuce, Skipper Steve obviously lost the toss. No captain has had such bad luck with coins since one unnamed skipper accidentally sat on a roll of 2 pence pieces when he wasn't wearing any clothes. The Zoology captain decided to field first, despite beginning with just 8 players.
Linsdell and Skipper Steve began the innings but the former was soon back in the pavilion after attempting a quick single straight to a fielder, no more than fifteen yards from the bat. He met his partner in the middle of the pitch who looked at him like he was wearing an inappropriate burgundy cummerbund. Linsdell turned, but didn’t make it back.
Spittle, in his now traditional role of scorer, viewed the game from the upper tier of the pavilion, surrounded by a handful of team-mates that had squeezed themselves onto the top deck like a gaggle of schoolgirls smoking make-up and applying cigarettes on the back of a bus.
Wylie joined his skipper at the crease and they weathered some tidy if uninspired bowling. Wylie in particular was playing some very attractive shots, although for a while he didn’t get within 6 inches of the ball. With Skipper Steve scratching around like a mouse with eczema, Wylie eventually got into his stride and began to find the boundary with elegance and power.
When Skipper Steve departed for a combative 27 Hunter made his first lengthy contribution to an UCLES* innings, helping the excellent Wylie to pass 50 for the first time this season. Although the St John’s surface was drier than usual, it was still favouring the bowlers, providing some erratic and variable bounce and when the innings finally came to a close UCLES* had mustered just 111 for 4, a total that seemed at least 30 runs short of target.
The modest total gradually became more and more brazen in the early overs as both Wood and Spittle threatened with searing pace and hooping swing. It was Spittle that struck first, drawing the edge and a stunning catch from Siyambalapitiya at slip. It was a very sharp take, dispelling the cruel rumour that Siyambalapitiya is actually made of cardboard.
Wood soon got into the act at the other end, mixing some awesome pace and bounce with a straight ball that was too good for this level. He would have had more than the 2 wickets he picked up had a clear caught-behind been given out. Not only did the batsman not walk, he even told Wood that he’d hit it. Wood was delighted.
The only batsman that looked remotely competent was one of the aforementioned bearded types, despite wearing an outfit that made him look like a fruit salad. His stay was however relatively brief, with Parikh adding his wicket to the brace that Spittle had managed from the same end. Ordish replaced Wood and, after bowling a couple through Linsdell, rattled the stumps with some top quality late swing.
With Zoology still more than 60 runs adrift and the game coming to an inevitable close the last batter came to the crease, dressed in a halter neck top, which was fine as ‘twas a female. Breathing heavily like 10 lifers, the UCLES* players welcomed the young lady to the crease. Parikh did what any gentleman would do, struck the young lady on the buttock with a beamer, and then bowled her.
