Back of a length

OK, here goes then.

As threatened, our first trip through the archive takes us to July 2006, just a handful of hours before yet another very memorable cup-semi final against Engineering.

In the news there is yet more fear, ignorance, loathing and violence across the world - and none more so than when John Prescott confesses in the Daily Mirror to a 2 year affair with an 'aide'. On the sporting fields, Steve Harmison was about to destroy Pakistan at Old Trafford and everyone wanted to know exactly what Marco Materazzi had said to The Great Zidane.

UCLES* were just 10 on the day - Parikh, Wood, Spittle, Ordish, Hunter, Dagless, Wylie, Linsdell, Siyambalapitiya and Skipper Steve.

Your commentators are Richie Benaud and Tony Lewis...

UCLES* v Zoology (25/07/06)

UCLES* warmed-up for Thursday afternoon’s Cup semi-final with an ultimately comprehensive win at St. Johns over a Zoology side that featured four pairs of shorts, three beards and a girl.

Originally, Zoology were allowed to field animals in their side as technically they were all 'active' members of the department and few of us that were there will ever forget the Reticulated Giraffe that made an unbeaten 175 in the 1953 fixture at Cavendish. Unfortunately, this privilege was withdrawn in the early 1980s after, under the cover of an away game with Molecular Biology, two Zebras, a European Beaver and a Gnu escaped from a toilet window at the back of the pavilion and haven't been seen since.

Although St Johns is famous for being a suet pudding of a surface, it's usual tacky doughiness was nowhere to be seen. With just a contact lens full of rain falling on the ancient city since the Spring Bank Holiday, the plains were so dry that Lenny Henry was in one corner of the field making a documentary. To say the weather was a bit warm would be like referring to John Prescott's children as a bit embarrassed. In truth, the game started in conditions akin to pressing your face against the engine grill of an idling bus.

With his hair swept to one side of his head like a small serving of iceberg lettuce, Skipper Steve obviously lost the toss. No captain has had such bad luck with coins since one unnamed skipper accidentally sat on a roll of 2 pence pieces when he wasn't wearing any clothes. The Zoology captain decided to field first, despite beginning with just 8 players.

Linsdell and Skipper Steve began the innings but the former was soon back in the pavilion after attempting a quick single straight to a fielder, no more than fifteen yards from the bat. He met his partner in the middle of the pitch who looked at him like he was wearing an inappropriate burgundy cummerbund. Linsdell turned, but didn’t make it back.

Spittle, in his now traditional role of scorer, viewed the game from the upper tier of the pavilion, surrounded by a handful of team-mates that had squeezed themselves onto the top deck like a gaggle of schoolgirls smoking make-up and applying cigarettes on the back of a bus.

Wylie joined his skipper at the crease and they weathered some tidy if uninspired bowling. Wylie in particular was playing some very attractive shots, although for a while he didn’t get within 6 inches of the ball. With Skipper Steve scratching around like a mouse with eczema, Wylie eventually got into his stride and began to find the boundary with elegance and power.

When Skipper Steve departed for a combative 27 Hunter made his first lengthy contribution to an UCLES* innings, helping the excellent Wylie to pass 50 for the first time this season. Although the St John’s surface was drier than usual, it was still favouring the bowlers, providing some erratic and variable bounce and when the innings finally came to a close UCLES* had mustered just 111 for 4, a total that seemed at least 30 runs short of target.

The modest total gradually became more and more brazen in the early overs as both Wood and Spittle threatened with searing pace and hooping swing. It was Spittle that struck first, drawing the edge and a stunning catch from Siyambalapitiya at slip. It was a very sharp take, dispelling the cruel rumour that Siyambalapitiya is actually made of cardboard.

Wood soon got into the act at the other end, mixing some awesome pace and bounce with a straight ball that was too good for this level. He would have had more than the 2 wickets he picked up had a clear caught-behind been given out. Not only did the batsman not walk, he even told Wood that he’d hit it. Wood was delighted.

The only batsman that looked remotely competent was one of the aforementioned bearded types, despite wearing an outfit that made him look like a fruit salad. His stay was however relatively brief, with Parikh adding his wicket to the brace that Spittle had managed from the same end. Ordish replaced Wood and, after bowling a couple through Linsdell, rattled the stumps with some top quality late swing.

With Zoology still more than 60 runs adrift and the game coming to an inevitable close the last batter came to the crease, dressed in a halter neck top, which was fine as ‘twas a female. Breathing heavily like 10 lifers, the UCLES* players welcomed the young lady to the crease. Parikh did what any gentleman would do, struck the young lady on the buttock with a beamer, and then bowled her.

Leg glance

Bizarrely, I've had some readers - let's call them fans - complaining that there aren't any reports up here yet. Patience people, the Olympics is not going to watch itself.

The first report will be up on September 1st and I intend to start with an UCLES* victory from the mediocre 2006 season.

In the way of a tease, I can tell you that Tom Wylie was man of the match and the report features a cummberbund, Lenny Henry, a young lady's buttock and a reticulated giraffe. Ahh, the memories...

First change

So this is how it will go.

I have a small collection of cricket reports written since 2003. The reports detail the mediocre, oft surreal adventures of a group of cricketers hereafter known as UCLES*. If the name is known to you then it requires no explanation. If it means nothing then fear not, for it probably always will.

Every week across the long, cricketless months, I will drop one of these reports here and run away. When I have none left I will begin to improvise but until such times the merry madness will unwind before your very eyes. I hope you enjoy them...

Opening

Maybe it is the sunshine. Maybe it is the deliciously slow progress or maybe it is just the unavoidable Englishness of every last drop.

Whatever the cause, cricket brings with it unrivalled, flawless eccentricity and tales as long and sumptuous as an afternoon tea.

What will follow here, in the weeks to come, is something of a Morris dance around our little corner of the cricketing compendium, where genuine ability rubs shoulders with mediocrity and bewilderment like middle-aged women at a Cliff Richard concert.

We shall start not at the beginning, nor the end, but somewhere in the middle. For no other reason than I thought it might be fun...