UCLES* v Metallurgy/Zoology (14/05/09)

The BBC is a wonderful institution - enduring, iconic, steady and as self-loathing as any British subject could ever aim to be. Were the BBC a cricket shot it would be a stout forward-defensive followed by an unequivocal cry of 'NO' and a polite yet emotionless nod to the bowler. There would be no logo visible on the batsman's attire, save for the embroidered crest on his deep green cap and the 'Gobblefrunk of London' stamp on his faded cravat.

A wonderful institution indeed, but probably the most questionable predictor of weather since the owner of the Old Cornish Stores shop in Boscastle threw open the shutters of his store to see a beautiful Monday morning in mid-August 2004 and shouted to his wife "It's going to be a belter Maureen, get rid of all those kagools and order another tub of Devon Vanilla..."

The BBC website is particularly to blame, with forecasting akin to leaning out of your bedroom window and counting how many farm animals you can see sitting down. So I should have known that when it told me last Monday morning that our Thursday fixture at St Cats was destined to be washed-out by a torrential storm, rain was about as likely as an MP paying for his own Marks and Spencer’s meal for one.

And so t'was beneath a sky of magnolia hands and coalman's fingers, that UCLES* took to the field for their first home league game against Metallurgy/Zoology - looking with absurd optimism at a second win in a week.

Engaging in a typically underwhelming warm-up prior to bully-off, the UCLES* fielders noted that the opposition carried in their ranks an attractive young lady warming-up in a manner which suggested she may have been no stranger to the game. A ripple of fear passed through the onlookers like the cool chill of a toddler's stare. Lane observed that she was 'very nicely kitted out', a comment that we all deemed to be inappropriate for a man of his standing.

Skipper Bobby lost the toss and the opposition skipper made what would end up being a notable error of judgement - UCLES* were to bat. Linsdell and Robinson rolled smoothly onto the field like retired Daleks taking the air on Worthing promenade.

Linsdell began cautiously, like a man trying to hit an echo with a memory. He finally opened his account with a streaky edge to the third man boundary and the tone for the next hour was set. Having warmed up slowly - like a frozen Cornish pasty in the Spring sunshine – the opening pair were beginning to manage the bowling and milk it with hard running and occasionally hard hitting.

Despite a reasonable effort from the visitors’ attack, a fast outfield and reliable track was giving ULCES* a healthy start. Linsdell in particular was now making positive progress, like a slug that used to be a snail. But any swashbuckling intentions were stymied by the appearance at the ‘Relatively-infrequently-used-tennis-courts End’ by a certain well-kitted out young lady. Linsdell was the first to face the impossible position. A scything attack would be ungentlemanly and a dismissal unthinkable. The opener chose the only dignified route, scrambled a single and scampered to the other end like a banana running away from a bowl of custard. The over was survived.

As Linsdell snuck past 50, so Robinson departed, unlucky to fall to a fine catch at mid-on. Wylie joined Linsdell and delivered a couple of impressive blows but another cowardly quick single then brought the new man face-to-moisturised-face with aforementioned young lady. The contest was a thing of beauty but Wylie’s attempted hoik to leg was not. He was snaffled at short fine leg and returned to the polite smiles of the pavilion.

With the fear of failure limited by Wylie’s selfless gesture, Linsdell (pictured below with a cake) and Thwaites were able to push on with confidence. The former, though fading among screaming lungs and furious muscles, eventually clipped a sharp brace to take him to his third UCLES* century and his first at the home of cricket. UCLES* innings closed soon after at a reasonable but not insurmountable 158 for 2.

UCLES* knew that quick wickets would probably secure victory so the mood was upbeat amidst the gathering gloom of the snarling clouds of May. Ordish and Wyatt clearly had too much for one of their opening batsman and his early departure gave UCLES* the impetus and saw the required rate edge swiftly pass the 10-an-over mark. Ordish picked up a second wicket in an impressive opening spell and the hosts were well in command.

Lane, Skipper Bobby and Brock all did more than enough to drive home the advantage and would have been amongst the wickets themselves had UCLES* catching ability matched up to their bowling.

Linsdell, who had been fielding like a Barbie doll with its arms in the wrong sockets even got a chance with the ball – a clear sign if t’were needed that Skipper Bobby felt the game was nearly up. The centurion finally finished the contest by running out the visitors leading scorer and UCLES* were impressively home by 31 runs.

The statisticians will highlight Linsdell’s hundred with their spitty felt-tips but those present will also remember a fine all-round team effort and the pathetic, sexist and immature attitude of all parties to the unspeakable joy of Wylie being dismissed by a girl. A talented girl she may have been but it won’t say that in the scorebook - his teammates have seen to that…

UCLES* v Molecular Biology (05/05/09)

There was a musty note of nostalgia in the air as UCLES* took to the playing fields of Luard Road to face Molecular Biology in their opening game of the 2009 season.

For Linsdell it was a return to his sixth form years as a Hills Road student, where he spent many days failing to impress plain looking young women despite sporting an expensive suede waistcoat and enough hair to tightly pack a small scatter cushion. For Lane, the return to Luard Road was slightly darker - some 25 years since an ankle crushing game of rugby. One can imagine him now, dressed manically, with youthful facial hair and a tangible sense of gay abandon. No doubt he was also the same in the 1980s…

Skipper Bobby immediately bucked the trend set by his erstwhile predecessor by winning the toss. The five other UCLES* players present stood in the pavilion and watched him bounce back to the middle with all the smugness of Sir Richard Branson at a Grand Prix and genuinely still expected to be fielding. But such paranoia was unnecessary - Linsdell and Lane donned the fluffies.

The opening pair strode out to a wicket that was neat and bright but with enough grass to suggest that consistent bounce would be an optional rather than compulsory feature. Alongside the pavilion, large trees danced in a intoxicated vomit of emerald Englishness. The sky, earlier an impertinent grey, now relaxed in rolls of blue and coughs of white cloud. The setting was picked straight from the bitter memories of Brooke, Sassoon and Owen and the fresh kisses of summer were drying on the cheeks of Spring. It was nearly time.

After a winter of snow and the colours of rotting life, every cricketer welcomes the opportunity to step to the rhythm of a cuckoo's song. Unfortunately, such enthusiasm is no replacement for quality and UCLES* opened their season with a performance that stank like a slice of my late Grandmother's Stilton and Tuna Surprise.

Lane and Linsdell set the tone by digging themselves into a quiet and run-less hole. Lane fell first, bowled by a ball that zipped along the surface like a mouse on a matchstick go-cart. Debutant Thwaites began well only to be snuffled by sharp catch at point and Linsdell chipped meekly to mid-wicket. When Brock succumbed soon afterwards, UCLES* were 17 for 4 in the eight over - redefining the art of 20Twenty cricket.

Skipper Bobby mustered the first boundary of the innings with a hefty swipe to leg before Walsh carried on from his 2008 form with a series of effective wristy flicks. Despite occasionally having all the elegance of a Labrador chasing a windswept pile of leaves, Walsh's unnervingly accurate eye was considerably more effective and dogged than what had come before. Skipper Bobby departed for 10, closing followed by Ordish and Kodavati who were both back in the pavilion before Skipper Bobby had removed his helmet.

It was left to Walsh and second debutant Wyatt to edge UCLES* to a barely respectable 73 - with Wyatt's power particularly eye-catching. Walsh's demise left UCLES* eight down and thus - with a side of just 9 players - all out.

To have any chance of placing pressure on the hosts, UCLES* would need early wickets. Unfortunately, the two strikes they managed both came when the score was 72...not quite early enough.

Ordish and Wyatt both had their moments with the ball but Molecular Biology clearly had the class batsman of the piece and with the occasional lusty blow he kept his side in complete command. With the end just a scruffy single away, Skipper Bobby produced a top-class yorker to ensure a 10-wicket reverse was avoided. The highlight of the UCLES* fielding effort came the following over as Walsh took a flabbergasting catch in front of the railway line boundary to deny the other opener the red ink his half-century arguable deserved. It was a bright end to an uncomfortable defeat and a welcome first UCLES* wicket for Thwaites.

It had certainly been nothing to write home about. Indeed, had a mother received a letter of such a standard it would probably have been stuck to the inside of the bin rather than the outside of the fridge. Only after they had reached 72 did the home side show the vulnerability that UCLES* had demonstrated throughout their innings and despite their endeavour the bowlers never really had a chance to turn the tide.

One can only hope that the season improves from here on or future fixtures will be as welcome as a sneezing Didier Drogba at a Norwegian referees convention.

Nearly time

Jim had worked as a groundsman for nearly 40 years in all, but nothing diminished for him the feeling of easing the stumps into position in the Springtime, topping and tailing the pristine and adored rectangle of bothered grass. Today was no different. He placed the bails with spirit-level fingers and stepped back in pride, rubbing the base of his grumbling spine with calloused but caring hands.

His quiet satisfaction was brought abruptly to a halt by a presence at his shoulder. Jim spun round sharply and saw before him an immense character, his face and body obscured by a dark, flowing cape. In his pale and flesh-less hand he held a farming instrument that was almost as tall as he. Jim believed it was a scythe.

"Excuse me…" a soft but resonant voice began from deep within the endless hood. "You haven't seen Football have you…?"

"I think it went that way" Jim answered calmly, pointing vaguely in the direction of a nearby gutter.

"Much obliged" replied the stranger doffing the top of his hood slightly and gliding into the near distance.

"You're welcome squire" replied Jim the groundsman absently, before stepping lightly forward to brush a daisy petal off a good length.

It was nearly time.

UCLES* v Molecular Biology (30/05/06)

UCLES* 2006 league season began Tuesday night with one of the most complete performances in the history of the club. Indeed, on reflection, it turned out that the fixture with Molecular Biology (known as Mol Bol...no relation to Spag) was as one-sided as the elephant man’s face.

After two postponements at the hands of the moistness of May, the weather finally held its nerve, defying the dark clouds that grumbled their way across the skies like old men bemoaning a modern haircut. It was as typically English as early summer could ever be – indeed it could only have been more so had James Hewitt been sat on a deckchair beside the pavilion, humming Elgar and drunkenly dropping strawberries on to his blazer.

On a pitch that hid damp secrets beyond a tough greenish crust, not unlike a mouldy crème brulee, Skipper Steve chose to bat first and so Linsdell and Siyambalapitiya were tossed out into the stunning green salad bowl like a couple of cherry tomatoes.

A sedate opening over passed by before Linsdell clipped a couple of cheap boundaries in over two to set the tone for the hour to follow. On a pitch that played considerably better than could have been expected after the persistent precipitation the new opening pair applied an unexpected combination of thinking and thudding to put the Mol Bol bowling to the sword.

Linsdell in particular was making good use of his new trampoline-bat, picking up regular boundaries and moving passed 50 inside the first 10 overs. With Siyambalapitiya playing Ernie Wise to Linsdell’s Eric Morecambe, the pair bundled their way passed the 100 mark after just twelve overs. Linsdell fell shortly after, but not before a 19-run over that took his personal tally to 80 and the partnership to 131.

As is so often the case, one wicket brought more as Parikh, Bean and Skipper Steve all fell cheaply. But with Siyambalapitiya holding the reigns, and achieving an excellent half-century, UCLES* reached an imposing 175-4 in their 20 overs. Skipper Steve then gathered the team in the dressing room for a rousing pre-fielding monologue, which was ultimately less Henry V and more Police Academy V. It seemed, however, to do the trick.

With little thimbles of raining tickling the air like a mild but nagging cough, so UCLES* took to the field to finish the job. What followed was one of the most awesome displays of pace bowling ever seen under the UCLES* crest.

Wood and Spittle began the show with an eight-over spell that ended the game as a contest. Just as Wood was cracking middle stumps like rotting late autumn conkers, so Spittle was embarrassing batsmen with late in-swing. Having taken four wickets between them, the openers were replaced by Danson and Ordish, much to the relief of Linsdell behind the stumps who was keeping wicket with all the grace and success of a blind, fingerless monkey trying to juggle sand.

Whilst Danson locked horns for a tense and ultimately unrewarding battle with a cricketer of the female persuasion, so Ordish was producing a smooth and largely unplayable spell to blast away the middle order, taking 3 wickets for a single run in 3 overs. In its own way, it was probably the best bowling display of the evening. Danson finally rattled the stumps for himself as the game drew to its inevitable end whilst Parikh collected the final two wickets with more impressive pace bowling. White also provided a couple of overs of strong support, lighting a beacon for flight and guile among the speed merchants around him.

In the end, 10 wickets had fallen without a chance coming to hand. Nine times UCLES* bowlers crashed the tiring woodwork and just once the pressed fluff of a pad had intervened. It was just as well really, as the late spring chill had fielders wringing their hand like old man Steptoe. Indeed, having admired the astonishing range of pullovers, tank tops and cardigans on show, PC Bean has confirmed he will be investigating to see if any be-flannelled young men were seen ram-raiding an Oxfam shop prior to the fixture.

Ultimately, UCLES* inflicted on their opponents the biggest reverse since Robert Kilroy-Silk entered the Eurovision Song Contest with a cover version of Parkes and Charles’ classic “There’ll always be an England.”

The sun may yet shine on UCLES* cricket.

Blossom

We have a lovely little tree in our front garden. Last week it was ebullient with blossom yet this week it is featureless again, like Morph at Tony Hart's funeral.

That can only mean that Spring, that season of dancing infants and Jane Austen, has launched upon us again and we are just days away from yet another season of unfulfilled expectations and limping dreams. I can hardly wait.

Until then my dears, until then...