There was a musty note of nostalgia in the air as UCLES* took to the playing fields of Luard Road to face Molecular Biology in their opening game of the 2009 season.
For Linsdell it was a return to his sixth form years as a Hills Road student, where he spent many days failing to impress plain looking young women despite sporting an expensive suede waistcoat and enough hair to tightly pack a small scatter cushion. For Lane, the return to Luard Road was slightly darker - some 25 years since an ankle crushing game of rugby. One can imagine him now, dressed manically, with youthful facial hair and a tangible sense of gay abandon. No doubt he was also the same in the 1980s…
Skipper Bobby immediately bucked the trend set by his erstwhile predecessor by winning the toss. The five other UCLES* players present stood in the pavilion and watched him bounce back to the middle with all the smugness of Sir Richard Branson at a Grand Prix and genuinely still expected to be fielding. But such paranoia was unnecessary - Linsdell and Lane donned the fluffies.
The opening pair strode out to a wicket that was neat and bright but with enough grass to suggest that consistent bounce would be an optional rather than compulsory feature. Alongside the pavilion, large trees danced in a intoxicated vomit of emerald Englishness. The sky, earlier an impertinent grey, now relaxed in rolls of blue and coughs of white cloud. The setting was picked straight from the bitter memories of Brooke, Sassoon and Owen and the fresh kisses of summer were drying on the cheeks of Spring. It was nearly time.
After a winter of snow and the colours of rotting life, every cricketer welcomes the opportunity to step to the rhythm of a cuckoo's song. Unfortunately, such enthusiasm is no replacement for quality and UCLES* opened their season with a performance that stank like a slice of my late Grandmother's Stilton and Tuna Surprise.
Lane and Linsdell set the tone by digging themselves into a quiet and run-less hole. Lane fell first, bowled by a ball that zipped along the surface like a mouse on a matchstick go-cart. Debutant Thwaites began well only to be snuffled by sharp catch at point and Linsdell chipped meekly to mid-wicket. When Brock succumbed soon afterwards, UCLES* were 17 for 4 in the eight over - redefining the art of 20Twenty cricket.
Skipper Bobby mustered the first boundary of the innings with a hefty swipe to leg before Walsh carried on from his 2008 form with a series of effective wristy flicks. Despite occasionally having all the elegance of a Labrador chasing a windswept pile of leaves, Walsh's unnervingly accurate eye was considerably more effective and dogged than what had come before. Skipper Bobby departed for 10, closing followed by Ordish and Kodavati who were both back in the pavilion before Skipper Bobby had removed his helmet.
It was left to Walsh and second debutant Wyatt to edge UCLES* to a barely respectable 73 - with Wyatt's power particularly eye-catching. Walsh's demise left UCLES* eight down and thus - with a side of just 9 players - all out.
To have any chance of placing pressure on the hosts, UCLES* would need early wickets. Unfortunately, the two strikes they managed both came when the score was 72...not quite early enough.
Ordish and Wyatt both had their moments with the ball but Molecular Biology clearly had the class batsman of the piece and with the occasional lusty blow he kept his side in complete command. With the end just a scruffy single away, Skipper Bobby produced a top-class yorker to ensure a 10-wicket reverse was avoided. The highlight of the UCLES* fielding effort came the following over as Walsh took a flabbergasting catch in front of the railway line boundary to deny the other opener the red ink his half-century arguable deserved. It was a bright end to an uncomfortable defeat and a welcome first UCLES* wicket for Thwaites.
It had certainly been nothing to write home about. Indeed, had a mother received a letter of such a standard it would probably have been stuck to the inside of the bin rather than the outside of the fridge. Only after they had reached 72 did the home side show the vulnerability that UCLES* had demonstrated throughout their innings and despite their endeavour the bowlers never really had a chance to turn the tide.
One can only hope that the season improves from here on or future fixtures will be as welcome as a sneezing Didier Drogba at a Norwegian referees convention.
