A wonderful institution indeed, but probably the most questionable predictor of weather since the owner of the Old Cornish Stores shop in Boscastle threw open the shutters of his store to see a beautiful Monday morning in mid-August 2004 and shouted to his wife "It's going to be a belter Maureen, get rid of all those kagools and order another tub of Devon Vanilla..."
The BBC website is particularly to blame, with forecasting akin to leaning out of your bedroom window and counting how many farm animals you can see sitting down. So I should have known that when it told me last Monday morning that our Thursday fixture at St Cats was destined to be washed-out by a torrential storm, rain was about as likely as an MP paying for his own Marks and Spencer’s meal for one.
And so t'was beneath a sky of magnolia hands and coalman's fingers, that UCLES* took to the field for their first home league game against Metallurgy/Zoology - looking with absurd optimism at a second win in a week.
Engaging in a typically underwhelming warm-up prior to bully-off, the UCLES* fielders noted that the opposition carried in their ranks an attractive young lady warming-up in a manner which suggested she may have been no stranger to the game. A ripple of fear passed through the onlookers like the cool chill of a toddler's stare. Lane observed that she was 'very nicely kitted out', a comment that we all deemed to be inappropriate for a man of his standing.
Skipper Bobby lost the toss and the opposition skipper made what would end up being a notable error of judgement - UCLES* were to bat. Linsdell and Robinson rolled smoothly onto the field like retired Daleks taking the air on Worthing promenade.
Linsdell began cautiously, like a man trying to hit an echo with a memory. He finally opened his account with a streaky edge to the third man boundary and the tone for the next hour was set. Having warmed up slowly - like a frozen Cornish pasty in the Spring sunshine – the opening pair were beginning to manage the bowling and milk it with hard running and occasionally hard hitting.
Despite a reasonable effort from the visitors’ attack, a fast outfield and reliable track was giving ULCES* a healthy start. Linsdell in particular was now making positive progress, like a slug that used to be a snail. But any swashbuckling intentions were stymied by the appearance at the ‘Relatively-infrequently-used-tennis-courts End’ by a certain well-kitted out young lady. Linsdell was the first to face the impossible position. A scything attack would be ungentlemanly and a dismissal unthinkable. The opener chose the only dignified route, scrambled a single and scampered to the other end like a banana running away from a bowl of custard. The over was survived.
As Linsdell snuck past 50, so Robinson departed, unlucky to fall to a fine catch at mid-on. Wylie joined Linsdell and delivered a couple of impressive blows but another cowardly quick single then brought the new man face-to-moisturised-face with aforementioned young lady. The contest was a thing of beauty but Wylie’s attempted hoik to leg was not. He was snaffled at short fine leg and returned to the polite smiles of the pavilion.
With the fear of failure limited by Wylie’s selfless gesture, Linsdell (pictured below with a cake) and Thwaites were able to push on with confidence. The former, though fading among screaming lungs and furious muscles, eventually clipped a sharp brace to take him to his third UCLES* century and his first at the home of cricket. UCLES* innings closed soon after at a reasonable but not insurmountable 158 for 2.
UCLES* knew that quick wickets would probably secure victory so the mood was upbeat amidst the gathering gloom of the snarling clouds of May. Ordish and Wyatt clearly had too much for one of their opening batsman and his early departure gave UCLES* the impetus and saw the required rate edge swiftly pass the 10-an-over mark. Ordish picked up a second wicket in an impressive opening spell and the hosts were well in command.
Lane, Skipper Bobby and Brock all did more than enough to drive home the advantage and would have been amongst the wickets themselves had UCLES* catching ability matched up to their bowling.
Linsdell, who had been fielding like a Barbie doll with its arms in the wrong sockets even got a chance with the ball – a clear sign if t’were needed that Skipper Bobby felt the game was nearly up. The centurion finally finished the contest by running out the visitors leading scorer and UCLES* were impressively home by 31 runs.
The statisticians will highlight Linsdell’s hundred with their spitty felt-tips but those present will also remember a fine all-round team effort and the pathetic, sexist and immature attitude of all parties to the unspeakable joy of Wylie being dismissed by a girl. A talented girl she may have been but it won’t say that in the scorebook - his teammates have seen to that…
