UCLES* 2006 league season began Tuesday night with one of the most complete performances in the history of the club. Indeed, on reflection, it turned out that the fixture with Molecular Biology (known as Mol Bol...no relation to Spag) was as one-sided as the elephant man’s face.
After two postponements at the hands of the moistness of May, the weather finally held its nerve, defying the dark clouds that grumbled their way across the skies like old men bemoaning a modern haircut. It was as typically English as early summer could ever be – indeed it could only have been more so had James Hewitt been sat on a deckchair beside the pavilion, humming Elgar and drunkenly dropping strawberries on to his blazer.
On a pitch that hid damp secrets beyond a tough greenish crust, not unlike a mouldy crème brulee, Skipper Steve chose to bat first and so Linsdell and Siyambalapitiya were tossed out into the stunning green salad bowl like a couple of cherry tomatoes.
A sedate opening over passed by before Linsdell clipped a couple of cheap boundaries in over two to set the tone for the hour to follow. On a pitch that played considerably better than could have been expected after the persistent precipitation the new opening pair applied an unexpected combination of thinking and thudding to put the Mol Bol bowling to the sword.
Linsdell in particular was making good use of his new trampoline-bat, picking up regular boundaries and moving passed 50 inside the first 10 overs. With Siyambalapitiya playing Ernie Wise to Linsdell’s Eric Morecambe, the pair bundled their way passed the 100 mark after just twelve overs. Linsdell fell shortly after, but not before a 19-run over that took his personal tally to 80 and the partnership to 131.
As is so often the case, one wicket brought more as Parikh, Bean and Skipper Steve all fell cheaply. But with Siyambalapitiya holding the reigns, and achieving an excellent half-century, UCLES* reached an imposing 175-4 in their 20 overs. Skipper Steve then gathered the team in the dressing room for a rousing pre-fielding monologue, which was ultimately less Henry V and more Police Academy V. It seemed, however, to do the trick.
With little thimbles of raining tickling the air like a mild but nagging cough, so UCLES* took to the field to finish the job. What followed was one of the most awesome displays of pace bowling ever seen under the UCLES* crest.
Wood and Spittle began the show with an eight-over spell that ended the game as a contest. Just as Wood was cracking middle stumps like rotting late autumn conkers, so Spittle was embarrassing batsmen with late in-swing. Having taken four wickets between them, the openers were replaced by Danson and Ordish, much to the relief of Linsdell behind the stumps who was keeping wicket with all the grace and success of a blind, fingerless monkey trying to juggle sand.
Whilst Danson locked horns for a tense and ultimately unrewarding battle with a cricketer of the female persuasion, so Ordish was producing a smooth and largely unplayable spell to blast away the middle order, taking 3 wickets for a single run in 3 overs. In its own way, it was probably the best bowling display of the evening. Danson finally rattled the stumps for himself as the game drew to its inevitable end whilst Parikh collected the final two wickets with more impressive pace bowling. White also provided a couple of overs of strong support, lighting a beacon for flight and guile among the speed merchants around him.
In the end, 10 wickets had fallen without a chance coming to hand. Nine times UCLES* bowlers crashed the tiring woodwork and just once the pressed fluff of a pad had intervened. It was just as well really, as the late spring chill had fielders wringing their hand like old man Steptoe. Indeed, having admired the astonishing range of pullovers, tank tops and cardigans on show, PC Bean has confirmed he will be investigating to see if any be-flannelled young men were seen ram-raiding an Oxfam shop prior to the fixture.
Ultimately, UCLES* inflicted on their opponents the biggest reverse since Robert Kilroy-Silk entered the Eurovision Song Contest with a cover version of Parkes and Charles’ classic “There’ll always be an England.”
The sun may yet shine on UCLES* cricket.
