We slip seamlessly now into May 2006 and a pre-season friendly under newly annointed Skipper Steve.
May 2006 was a very mixed month. Ok, so there was death, destruction, despair and misery across the world but on the plus side Leeds lost in the play-off final.
The UCLES* side for this fixture was Linsdell, Skipper Steve, Dagless, Wood, Siyambalapitiya, Parikh, Hunter, Thighe, Ordish, Spittle and Danson.
Monday 27 October 2008
UCLES* v Computer Labs (09/05/06)
May wouldn't be May without a greying of English sporting loyalty. As football's domestic party evaporates into twiglet dust, flat Vimto and 'New York, New York' so cricket's soiree opens with a shower, shave and pre-event drinks at the Dog and Duck on Thong Lane.
The UCLES* 2006 cricketing campaign began under a silver-blue sky and hazy spring sun - such a contrast to the weather of previous days which had been more Zanussi on rinse than picnics on daisies.
New Skipper Steve choose a strong side with many new faces to battle Computer Labs in a friendly at the immaculate Gonville and Caius fields. The usual surreal surroundings were in place, including fat ladies playing pat-a-cake tennis and a topless groundsman using a leaf-lower to blow grass of his grass.
Skipper Steve lost the toss and was inserted on a pitch that looked beautiful but in reality was like hairy play-doh. Linsdell and Siyambalapitiya began the innings gently with the latter dispatching two forceful boundaries before falling to every left-handers worst nightmare - a straight ball. Parkih entered to make his OCR debut at No.3 but he was soon also undone by a pitch which was bouncing slightly lower than sand.
Skipper Steve then joined Linsdell at the crease and the two stalwarts of post-Thatcher UCLES* cricket began to compile a decent partnership. Linsdell in particular was discovering that his new bat had more than just edges and after a couple of mighty blows he retired unbeaten on 50. Dagless then joined Skipper Steve and began positively, with UCLES edging nearer the 100 mark. Dagless however paid the price for some early exuberance and a lack of match fitness foced an early retirement at a promising 16. Wood then became the game's second debutant and he combined with Skipper Steve to take UCLES to a defendable total. Skipper Steve fell a handful of runs short of 50 with just 2 balls to spare to make Hunter the third batting debutant of the piece.
Despite some early sluggishness and very questionable running between the wickets, UCLES* ultimately posted 136-3 in 20 overs - a reasonable total on damp, green early season wicket.
Much of the hype that has surrounded the UCLES* side during the winter (you must have noticed the hype) has been about a new-look bowling attack. Adding newcomers Parikh and Wood to stalwart Danson and Welney-slayers Ordish and Spittle provided a prospect that had bruised many egos and thighs during the net sessions. There hadn't been such a buzz about the bowling attack since Ladds and Danson had been paired together during Harold Wilson's first term.
And so that buzz quickly became a purr as Spittle and Wood both began superbly with pace and movement, albeit on a pitch that supported the latter. The Computer Labs batsman quickly looked bemused and it wasn't long before Wood opened his UCLES* bowling account with a quick, straight and full delivery and then added another with a confident lbw shout. Spittle was mixing the occasional (note 'occasional' rather than last season's 'frequent') off-target delivery with some unplayable stuff whilst Wood rattled impressively through three very sharp overs. Danson replaced Wood and the legend, still defying all laws of medicine, virtually ended the match as a contest with three wickets in an over, including a first catch behind the stumps for Linsdell, standing in as a slightly ungainly wicket-keeper. Ordish then joined the attack and bagged a couple of quick wickets by delivering a mixture of full and short deliveries…sometimes on purpose.
The problem of course with relying on an all-out pace attack is that they tend to take a long time to bowl an over. Therefore, as the game drifted into its third hour, so the moon appeared stage right and gloom descended. Back in the days where all clothes were black, white or brown and everyone without facial hair had to wear a bonnet, it was well known that winter didn't really end until June had begun. And so it proved Tuesday night, with a Jane Austen afternoon becoming an Emily Bronte evening, complete with grey greyness, misty mistiness and damp dampness. Poor old Wood, an Australian by an unfortunate accident of birth, hugged himself like a six year old girl playing hopscotch in the snow. And even Danson, a man who has thicker skin than an idiotic elephant, revelled in an early season pullover.
With the sun but a distant memory, Skipper Steve stole a quick wicket, but not before Parikh and Siyambalapitiya had provided more signs of things to come with short but impressive spells. With the ball swinging sideways in the dark, the Computer Labs tail-enders did well to survive the closing stages - thus ensuring that we all had the joy of a tidy final over from Dagless.
All in all a triumphant start to the season for UCLES*. If the bowlers in particular continue to improve and impress, 2006 could prove to be a long, balmy and barmy summer.
The UCLES* 2006 cricketing campaign began under a silver-blue sky and hazy spring sun - such a contrast to the weather of previous days which had been more Zanussi on rinse than picnics on daisies.
New Skipper Steve choose a strong side with many new faces to battle Computer Labs in a friendly at the immaculate Gonville and Caius fields. The usual surreal surroundings were in place, including fat ladies playing pat-a-cake tennis and a topless groundsman using a leaf-lower to blow grass of his grass.
Skipper Steve lost the toss and was inserted on a pitch that looked beautiful but in reality was like hairy play-doh. Linsdell and Siyambalapitiya began the innings gently with the latter dispatching two forceful boundaries before falling to every left-handers worst nightmare - a straight ball. Parkih entered to make his OCR debut at No.3 but he was soon also undone by a pitch which was bouncing slightly lower than sand.
Skipper Steve then joined Linsdell at the crease and the two stalwarts of post-Thatcher UCLES* cricket began to compile a decent partnership. Linsdell in particular was discovering that his new bat had more than just edges and after a couple of mighty blows he retired unbeaten on 50. Dagless then joined Skipper Steve and began positively, with UCLES edging nearer the 100 mark. Dagless however paid the price for some early exuberance and a lack of match fitness foced an early retirement at a promising 16. Wood then became the game's second debutant and he combined with Skipper Steve to take UCLES to a defendable total. Skipper Steve fell a handful of runs short of 50 with just 2 balls to spare to make Hunter the third batting debutant of the piece.
Despite some early sluggishness and very questionable running between the wickets, UCLES* ultimately posted 136-3 in 20 overs - a reasonable total on damp, green early season wicket.
Much of the hype that has surrounded the UCLES* side during the winter (you must have noticed the hype) has been about a new-look bowling attack. Adding newcomers Parikh and Wood to stalwart Danson and Welney-slayers Ordish and Spittle provided a prospect that had bruised many egos and thighs during the net sessions. There hadn't been such a buzz about the bowling attack since Ladds and Danson had been paired together during Harold Wilson's first term.
And so that buzz quickly became a purr as Spittle and Wood both began superbly with pace and movement, albeit on a pitch that supported the latter. The Computer Labs batsman quickly looked bemused and it wasn't long before Wood opened his UCLES* bowling account with a quick, straight and full delivery and then added another with a confident lbw shout. Spittle was mixing the occasional (note 'occasional' rather than last season's 'frequent') off-target delivery with some unplayable stuff whilst Wood rattled impressively through three very sharp overs. Danson replaced Wood and the legend, still defying all laws of medicine, virtually ended the match as a contest with three wickets in an over, including a first catch behind the stumps for Linsdell, standing in as a slightly ungainly wicket-keeper. Ordish then joined the attack and bagged a couple of quick wickets by delivering a mixture of full and short deliveries…sometimes on purpose.
The problem of course with relying on an all-out pace attack is that they tend to take a long time to bowl an over. Therefore, as the game drifted into its third hour, so the moon appeared stage right and gloom descended. Back in the days where all clothes were black, white or brown and everyone without facial hair had to wear a bonnet, it was well known that winter didn't really end until June had begun. And so it proved Tuesday night, with a Jane Austen afternoon becoming an Emily Bronte evening, complete with grey greyness, misty mistiness and damp dampness. Poor old Wood, an Australian by an unfortunate accident of birth, hugged himself like a six year old girl playing hopscotch in the snow. And even Danson, a man who has thicker skin than an idiotic elephant, revelled in an early season pullover.
With the sun but a distant memory, Skipper Steve stole a quick wicket, but not before Parikh and Siyambalapitiya had provided more signs of things to come with short but impressive spells. With the ball swinging sideways in the dark, the Computer Labs tail-enders did well to survive the closing stages - thus ensuring that we all had the joy of a tidy final over from Dagless.
All in all a triumphant start to the season for UCLES*. If the bowlers in particular continue to improve and impress, 2006 could prove to be a long, balmy and barmy summer.
Monday 20 October 2008
Shouldering arms
July 2004 next and a toe into one of the more positive UCLES* seasons in recent memory. A feature of this season was Johan Visage. Visage - something of a warm vanilla ice cream with the bat and a mouthful of broken glass with the ball - was one of the finest fielders ever to strap into the UCLES harness and once ran a player out at St Catz whilst fielding at Kings and Selwyn.
July 2004 was still resonating with Iraq, 9/11, nervous flights and white powder so we're best steering well clear of the Wikipedia wall of wonder, 'cept to say that Shane Warne equalled Muttiah Muralitharan's world record of 527 test wickets in Cairns.
UCLES were Lawrence, Wylie, Linsdell, Monk, Dagless, Bean, Danson, Siyambalapitiya, Visage, Robinson, Streather.
July 2004 was still resonating with Iraq, 9/11, nervous flights and white powder so we're best steering well clear of the Wikipedia wall of wonder, 'cept to say that Shane Warne equalled Muttiah Muralitharan's world record of 527 test wickets in Cairns.
UCLES were Lawrence, Wylie, Linsdell, Monk, Dagless, Bean, Danson, Siyambalapitiya, Visage, Robinson, Streather.
UCLES v Judge (22/07/04)
UCLES brought the curtain down on an impressive league season last night with a 6 wicket victory against Judge Institute at Downing College.
With vast and dramatic thunder storms forecast Lawrence chose to bowl first on a pitch resembling a knitted cattle grid. And it was a decision that reaped swift rewards as new ball pairing Danson and Siyambalapitiya made good early use of the scouring pad surface. Siyambalapitiya it was that struck first, rocking the varnished ash with a swinging full length delivery.
Judge (notably missing the smattering of snarling imbeciles that dominated last year's proceedings) are a good side, but they were struggling to make headway against another shimmering UCLES show in the field. Visage in particular was bristling with action, smashing the stumps from cover and then smashing Bean from slightly closer in a frantic spell of high tempo cricket. On a day when a third umpire would have been very busy, the batsmen rightly survived. Moments later Visage almost took the catch of the season off Siyambalapitiya's miserly bowling but the Danson-esque dive yielded just sore finger tips and girly yelps of acclaim from team mates.
Bean and Robinson replaced the openers and continued the good work. With the ball gripping more than the John Grisham section at Waterstones, Robinson was particularly effective, providing Lawrence with back-to-back catches at short third man. Conjuring up more dots than a school optician, Robinson was strangling the Judge batsmen whilst Bean was among the wickets again, benefiting from Wylie's fifth catch of the season.
As overs began to drift away like pooh sticks on a hefty current, so the Judge total hobbled towards 100. Robinson helped himself to two more victims in a highly impressive spell whilst more sharp work from Monk and Bean produced another two run-out victims. Linsdell came into the attack at the death and despite six balls from the 'dross' end of the bowling continuum managed to snare another victim, caught by the swooping Robinson. The man they call simply 'Steve' then returned to see out another near-perfect over - although admittedly most of it was bowled to a man holding a cricket bat the way Michael Jackson holds a baby - and Judge closed on 98 for 9.
Only time would tell whether 98 was a good score on a difficult batting wicket but it quickly became clear that it was going to be at least competitive. Linsdell and Lawrence began quietly, as they do, sipping lemon tea and discussing current affairs between runs. Scoring however remained steady against some accurate bowling and enthusiastic fielding. Appealing everyone time the ball touched anything white, Judge were applying good pressure but the UCLES opening pair were combining the occasional boundary with sharp running between the wickets. For 'sharp' however you could read 'suicidal' with Linsdell especially surviving a number of close run-out appeals. Happily, the third umpire was still nowhere to be seen.
After passing 50 at a reasonable 5 runs an over, Lawrence finally fell LBW for 28. The overseas pro was slightly surprised to be given out by team mate Visage - a man who clearly hasn't learned the two golden rules of amateur cricket:
1) Never, ever give the captain out. If he thinks he's out, he will walk
2) Never suggest the cake the captain's wife brought for the tea was actually from Waitrose
Entrusted with the job of steadying the ship and maintaining the course, Linsdell immediately ran himself out, albeit victim of a surprising direct-hit from deep. Any lingering doubts about the outcome of the proceedings were however dispelled over the next few overs as Wylie and Monk brought the winning post in to sight. Making a rare appearance as straight man, Monk saw Wylie lift the ball around the Downing's expensive outfield before finally being bowled playing the sort of cricket shot you normally associate with Americans. With just one decent blow required for victory Monk fell caught and bowled. This paired Bean and Dagless for the finale. Bean prodded elegantly through the covers but mysteriously Dagless wasn't able to make the vital second run. This forced him to take the glory with a neat leg glance - and that was that, victory with 6 wickets and 7 balls to spare.
UCLES have won 8 of the their 10 league games, producing some high quality and high energy performances. Displaying admirable spirit throughout, the side have given themselves with a real chance of taking the league title. Only time and the weather will tell.
With vast and dramatic thunder storms forecast Lawrence chose to bowl first on a pitch resembling a knitted cattle grid. And it was a decision that reaped swift rewards as new ball pairing Danson and Siyambalapitiya made good early use of the scouring pad surface. Siyambalapitiya it was that struck first, rocking the varnished ash with a swinging full length delivery.
Judge (notably missing the smattering of snarling imbeciles that dominated last year's proceedings) are a good side, but they were struggling to make headway against another shimmering UCLES show in the field. Visage in particular was bristling with action, smashing the stumps from cover and then smashing Bean from slightly closer in a frantic spell of high tempo cricket. On a day when a third umpire would have been very busy, the batsmen rightly survived. Moments later Visage almost took the catch of the season off Siyambalapitiya's miserly bowling but the Danson-esque dive yielded just sore finger tips and girly yelps of acclaim from team mates.
Bean and Robinson replaced the openers and continued the good work. With the ball gripping more than the John Grisham section at Waterstones, Robinson was particularly effective, providing Lawrence with back-to-back catches at short third man. Conjuring up more dots than a school optician, Robinson was strangling the Judge batsmen whilst Bean was among the wickets again, benefiting from Wylie's fifth catch of the season.
As overs began to drift away like pooh sticks on a hefty current, so the Judge total hobbled towards 100. Robinson helped himself to two more victims in a highly impressive spell whilst more sharp work from Monk and Bean produced another two run-out victims. Linsdell came into the attack at the death and despite six balls from the 'dross' end of the bowling continuum managed to snare another victim, caught by the swooping Robinson. The man they call simply 'Steve' then returned to see out another near-perfect over - although admittedly most of it was bowled to a man holding a cricket bat the way Michael Jackson holds a baby - and Judge closed on 98 for 9.
Only time would tell whether 98 was a good score on a difficult batting wicket but it quickly became clear that it was going to be at least competitive. Linsdell and Lawrence began quietly, as they do, sipping lemon tea and discussing current affairs between runs. Scoring however remained steady against some accurate bowling and enthusiastic fielding. Appealing everyone time the ball touched anything white, Judge were applying good pressure but the UCLES opening pair were combining the occasional boundary with sharp running between the wickets. For 'sharp' however you could read 'suicidal' with Linsdell especially surviving a number of close run-out appeals. Happily, the third umpire was still nowhere to be seen.
After passing 50 at a reasonable 5 runs an over, Lawrence finally fell LBW for 28. The overseas pro was slightly surprised to be given out by team mate Visage - a man who clearly hasn't learned the two golden rules of amateur cricket:
1) Never, ever give the captain out. If he thinks he's out, he will walk
2) Never suggest the cake the captain's wife brought for the tea was actually from Waitrose
Entrusted with the job of steadying the ship and maintaining the course, Linsdell immediately ran himself out, albeit victim of a surprising direct-hit from deep. Any lingering doubts about the outcome of the proceedings were however dispelled over the next few overs as Wylie and Monk brought the winning post in to sight. Making a rare appearance as straight man, Monk saw Wylie lift the ball around the Downing's expensive outfield before finally being bowled playing the sort of cricket shot you normally associate with Americans. With just one decent blow required for victory Monk fell caught and bowled. This paired Bean and Dagless for the finale. Bean prodded elegantly through the covers but mysteriously Dagless wasn't able to make the vital second run. This forced him to take the glory with a neat leg glance - and that was that, victory with 6 wickets and 7 balls to spare.
UCLES have won 8 of the their 10 league games, producing some high quality and high energy performances. Displaying admirable spirit throughout, the side have given themselves with a real chance of taking the league title. Only time and the weather will tell.
Monday 13 October 2008
Fifth day pitch
Today's lucky dip brings us an absolute classic and the only report in the library which fails to produce an 'on the field' outcome.
It was July 2006, and Michael Carrick was reading his crystal ball well enough to run away from Spurs and join Manchester United for a fee 'that could rise to' £18.6m...I imagine it will.
Elsewhere, Brian Quailey joined Stafford Rangers on a free from Nuneaton Borough.UCLES took to the turf a man shy as Parikh, Dagless, Linsdell, Skipper Steve, Hunter, Siyambalapitiya, Streather, Ordish, Spittle and Wood.
It was July 2006, and Michael Carrick was reading his crystal ball well enough to run away from Spurs and join Manchester United for a fee 'that could rise to' £18.6m...I imagine it will.
Elsewhere, Brian Quailey joined Stafford Rangers on a free from Nuneaton Borough.UCLES took to the turf a man shy as Parikh, Dagless, Linsdell, Skipper Steve, Hunter, Siyambalapitiya, Streather, Ordish, Spittle and Wood.
UCLES* v Chemistry (31/07/06)
For the second time in five days, an UCLES* fixture was brought to a premature end by unseasonable bursts of precipitation. On this occasion however, the game against Chemistry had gone far enough for the calculator to declare a winner. “We need someone from Pure Maths!” someone quipped afterwards. It was a comment that was more factual than funny.
The game started with a stunning moment of sporting triumph as Skipper Steve final secured toss-based success. As he was carried shoulder-high from the pitch he bellowed across Latham Road, “…and so we shall bat!”
Skipper Steve was joined by Linsdell to open the innings under a huge sky that was sketched with weather as far as the eye could see. After a watchful start on a pitch weaved together from fragments of grass like a cheap wicker basket, Linsdell finally stepped up to the mark to twice pull the opening bowler over the mid-wicket boundary. A third attempt however saw Linsdell hit the ball up rather than away and he fell caught and bowled for 19.
Siyambalapitiya joined Skipper Steve at the crease and despite looking positive, he was soon bowled, and thus Dagless entered the fray. Some fluent striking from the new man kept the runs coming and UCLES* reached halfway with 45 on the scoreboard. Skipper Steve then provided a regulation catch at gully before a beauty in the same over dealt with the returning Streather.
Once more UCLES* were finding run-scoring a struggle and Ordish eventually fell to another gully catch as he looked to drive. Parikh joined the battle and with Dagless he pushed the score towards the 100 mark. Any hopes however of setting a major total were dashed moments later when Dagless was dismissed in legendary fashion.
Whilst attempting to pull a short one from a spinner he was struck a ticklish blow amidst his gentleman’s accessories, thus causing him to fall, bent double, to the pitch. As if the pain was not enough, Dagless then suffered the further blow of landing on his own stumps. It took him a few moments to recover his composure and straighten his anatomy before he hobbled back to the pavilion. It was the worst sporting double-blow since Eric Bristow saw a title winning double bounce off the wire and land on his in-growing toe-nail. It was also the first time that an UCLES* player had fallen 'hit-wicket' since 1950s legend Derek Humplethorpe mis-timed a hook in a game against Metallurgy and dislodged the stumps with his wooden eye.
Finishing the innings in a grizzly, mizzly and drizzly conditions, like batting in a car wash, Hunter and Parikh clipped, flicked and scampered their way to 93-6 in 20 overs, a figure which looked a long way short, even on a difficult service. However, had it not been for handy 20s from Parikh and the unfortunate Dagless things could have looked even worse.
With Wood arriving from a prior engagement just before the end of the UCLES* innings he was able to open the bowling in his usual fashion. On a helpful and bouncy track, Wood was causing all sorts of trouble with a mixture of full and short deliveries, eventually shredding the woodwork with a crossbow of a delivery. At the other end Spittle took the second wicket with a beauty to leave UCLES* well in the game.
At the crucial 10 over point in any potential abandonment Chemistry were 5 runs behind. Ordish and Parikh were the change bowlers and both worked hard to contain the single Chemistry threat - a large blonde chap that, like many University employees, drives a Porsche.
The weather was now steadily getting worse and alongside the moistness there was a developing gale. Within moments the rain was racing sideways like frightened crabs and with white shirts clinging to their breasts like clubs reps in Magaluf the captains decided to call it a day.
With Chemistry climaxing on 62-3 in 13.2 overs the game went to the rule book and the home side were handed the victory by virtue of a fractionally higher scoring rate. Lost 'on the Vera' the professionals call it...
Sometimes when a game is abandoned, like last week, there is little point in writing a report. Other times however, someone gets hits in the giblets and falls on their stumps…and then it all seems worth it.
The game started with a stunning moment of sporting triumph as Skipper Steve final secured toss-based success. As he was carried shoulder-high from the pitch he bellowed across Latham Road, “…and so we shall bat!”
Skipper Steve was joined by Linsdell to open the innings under a huge sky that was sketched with weather as far as the eye could see. After a watchful start on a pitch weaved together from fragments of grass like a cheap wicker basket, Linsdell finally stepped up to the mark to twice pull the opening bowler over the mid-wicket boundary. A third attempt however saw Linsdell hit the ball up rather than away and he fell caught and bowled for 19.
Siyambalapitiya joined Skipper Steve at the crease and despite looking positive, he was soon bowled, and thus Dagless entered the fray. Some fluent striking from the new man kept the runs coming and UCLES* reached halfway with 45 on the scoreboard. Skipper Steve then provided a regulation catch at gully before a beauty in the same over dealt with the returning Streather.
Once more UCLES* were finding run-scoring a struggle and Ordish eventually fell to another gully catch as he looked to drive. Parikh joined the battle and with Dagless he pushed the score towards the 100 mark. Any hopes however of setting a major total were dashed moments later when Dagless was dismissed in legendary fashion.
Whilst attempting to pull a short one from a spinner he was struck a ticklish blow amidst his gentleman’s accessories, thus causing him to fall, bent double, to the pitch. As if the pain was not enough, Dagless then suffered the further blow of landing on his own stumps. It took him a few moments to recover his composure and straighten his anatomy before he hobbled back to the pavilion. It was the worst sporting double-blow since Eric Bristow saw a title winning double bounce off the wire and land on his in-growing toe-nail. It was also the first time that an UCLES* player had fallen 'hit-wicket' since 1950s legend Derek Humplethorpe mis-timed a hook in a game against Metallurgy and dislodged the stumps with his wooden eye.
Finishing the innings in a grizzly, mizzly and drizzly conditions, like batting in a car wash, Hunter and Parikh clipped, flicked and scampered their way to 93-6 in 20 overs, a figure which looked a long way short, even on a difficult service. However, had it not been for handy 20s from Parikh and the unfortunate Dagless things could have looked even worse.
With Wood arriving from a prior engagement just before the end of the UCLES* innings he was able to open the bowling in his usual fashion. On a helpful and bouncy track, Wood was causing all sorts of trouble with a mixture of full and short deliveries, eventually shredding the woodwork with a crossbow of a delivery. At the other end Spittle took the second wicket with a beauty to leave UCLES* well in the game.
At the crucial 10 over point in any potential abandonment Chemistry were 5 runs behind. Ordish and Parikh were the change bowlers and both worked hard to contain the single Chemistry threat - a large blonde chap that, like many University employees, drives a Porsche.
The weather was now steadily getting worse and alongside the moistness there was a developing gale. Within moments the rain was racing sideways like frightened crabs and with white shirts clinging to their breasts like clubs reps in Magaluf the captains decided to call it a day.
With Chemistry climaxing on 62-3 in 13.2 overs the game went to the rule book and the home side were handed the victory by virtue of a fractionally higher scoring rate. Lost 'on the Vera' the professionals call it...
Sometimes when a game is abandoned, like last week, there is little point in writing a report. Other times however, someone gets hits in the giblets and falls on their stumps…and then it all seems worth it.
Monday 6 October 2008
One stump to aim at
Sorry we're a bit late this week. I bet you're all bothered...
Only arms length into the vault today to scoop out a report, and a comfortable victory, from this May.
The headline-grabbers at this point were of course Manchester United and Chelsea who had just decided the European Cup with penalty strokes. What a sight it was - an old man in a white tracksuit dancing in the rain. A few years ago they would have given him a community nurse, nowadays he gets a knighthood...
UCLES* took to the field as Gill, Linsdell, Skipper Steve, Brock, Danson (rtd), Lane, Parikh, Spittle, Siyambalapitiya, Hemmings and Ordish.
Only arms length into the vault today to scoop out a report, and a comfortable victory, from this May.
The headline-grabbers at this point were of course Manchester United and Chelsea who had just decided the European Cup with penalty strokes. What a sight it was - an old man in a white tracksuit dancing in the rain. A few years ago they would have given him a community nurse, nowadays he gets a knighthood...
UCLES* took to the field as Gill, Linsdell, Skipper Steve, Brock, Danson (rtd), Lane, Parikh, Spittle, Siyambalapitiya, Hemmings and Ordish.
UCLES* v Bio Chemistry (22/05/08)
For many years, May has been the crossroads of English sport.
To the left would turn the armies of footballers, buoyed by the tangy zest of glory or doused in the Muscovite tears of failure. Years ago, their departure would have been dignified and glorious - the last march of a brave regiment - toasted with brandy, cigars and hearty song. But this year they finished with a drunken hen party – noisy, attention seeking and full of recrimination, bewildered tears and vague memories of faces slapped and honour questioned. At this point, to our relief, come the cricketers from the right - clean, sharp, thoughtful and intelligent, refreshing the palate like a citrus sorbet to follow an unnecessarily heavy first course.
This is May - blossom and buttercups, sunshine and showers, cup finals and cricket. Oh, how we love it so.
Having departed the over-rated cup competition the previous week, UCLES’* concentration on the league shone through last Thursday evening with a victory so comfortable it should have come with a fleece-lining and padded collar.
Skipper Steve lost the toss beneath a smashing late spring sky and the opposition took the first use of a pitch cast in the John Terry mould - hard enough on the surface but more than a little soft underneath; clear signs that cracking could occur later on with unpredictable shooting and possibly spitting. Satire, my friends, satire.
Ordish and Parikh took the new ball and quickly made progress against a side that had decided to allow some of their non-cricketers first go with the bat. It was, predictably enough, folly. Three batsmen spent longer on the journey from the pavilion than they did at the crease as stumps were tickled, clattered and uprooted.
The other opening batsman had however clearly played before and he kept the run rate flowing despite being generally bamboozled by the unpredictable hooping of an increasingly muscular Parikh. When Ordish had finished battering the batsman and bruising Linsdell (who was, in all fairness, keeping wicket like a man with espresso cups for hands) he was replaced by Danson (rtd).
Despite being well into his seventies, Danson continues to defy medical logic with his general levels of health and alertness. Last Thursday’s game was clearly a big day out for a man that, just a couple of hours earlier, had been yelling “DEAL WOMAN, DEAL!” at his television.
Another bewilderingly good spell of bowling followed and Molecular Biology’s single batting threat was bowled by a ball that left him scratching his head like a mulleted teacher in a classroom of nit-ridded 5 year-olds.
With Siyambalapitiya and Lane tying up the other end, UCLES* were picking their way through a side that had a tail longer than a Chinese dragon at New Year. In truth the opposition, a good-natured jumble sale of the unwanted, broken or ill fitting never looked like making their 20 overs and finally expired in the 17th - having amassed a relatively paltry 85.
Gill and Linsdell began the UCLES* reply with a dipping sun leaning softly against their backs. Gill fell as early as possible, bowled by a ball that threatened to misbehave and then didn’t. The wicket brought Brock to the crease and, taking one look at his stance and attire, the opposition clearly felt another scalp was just moments away. Little did they know that by the time Brock returned to the pavilion, the game would be lost.
Much more at home on the tennis court than cricket pitch, Brock soon re-opened the slightly dull sport science debate about the transferability of skills. After a short time to settle, he began to produce some stunning shots – wristy, powerful and timed so sweetly that the sound of bat on ball was barely audible. At the other end, in a slightly more orthodox but doubtlessly less attractive style, Linsdell peppered the leg-side boundary three times in as many balls and UCLES* were well on their way.
The pair added 50 in 8 overs before Linsdell was perhaps a shade unlucky to be adjudged LBW to a ball that didn’t hit either of his legs, deflecting instead off the outside edge through third-man for four. In falling in such a fashion, Linsdell became the first UCLES* batsman to fall LBW without the ball hitting the pad since Godfrey Hatching-Mule was giving out playing against Chemistry in 1969 after the ball had slapped against his famously low-slung left buttock.
Skipper Steve joined Brock at the wicket and the game was soon over. Skipper Steve produced a stream of trademark cuts (unusual only in that on this occasion there wasn’t 25-30 minutes of cricket between each one) and Brock continued to irritate the opposition with ungainly fluidity.
Events came to a close a fraction after 8pm. The early finished allowed the core of the team to adjourn to the pub, Linsdell to race home to relieve his mother-in-law and Danson to pop home, fill the watering can, pop the dog on a lead and put the kettle on in preparation for a Friday spent watering the garden, walking the dog and having a nice up of tea.
To the left would turn the armies of footballers, buoyed by the tangy zest of glory or doused in the Muscovite tears of failure. Years ago, their departure would have been dignified and glorious - the last march of a brave regiment - toasted with brandy, cigars and hearty song. But this year they finished with a drunken hen party – noisy, attention seeking and full of recrimination, bewildered tears and vague memories of faces slapped and honour questioned. At this point, to our relief, come the cricketers from the right - clean, sharp, thoughtful and intelligent, refreshing the palate like a citrus sorbet to follow an unnecessarily heavy first course.
This is May - blossom and buttercups, sunshine and showers, cup finals and cricket. Oh, how we love it so.
Having departed the over-rated cup competition the previous week, UCLES’* concentration on the league shone through last Thursday evening with a victory so comfortable it should have come with a fleece-lining and padded collar.
Skipper Steve lost the toss beneath a smashing late spring sky and the opposition took the first use of a pitch cast in the John Terry mould - hard enough on the surface but more than a little soft underneath; clear signs that cracking could occur later on with unpredictable shooting and possibly spitting. Satire, my friends, satire.
Ordish and Parikh took the new ball and quickly made progress against a side that had decided to allow some of their non-cricketers first go with the bat. It was, predictably enough, folly. Three batsmen spent longer on the journey from the pavilion than they did at the crease as stumps were tickled, clattered and uprooted.
The other opening batsman had however clearly played before and he kept the run rate flowing despite being generally bamboozled by the unpredictable hooping of an increasingly muscular Parikh. When Ordish had finished battering the batsman and bruising Linsdell (who was, in all fairness, keeping wicket like a man with espresso cups for hands) he was replaced by Danson (rtd).
Despite being well into his seventies, Danson continues to defy medical logic with his general levels of health and alertness. Last Thursday’s game was clearly a big day out for a man that, just a couple of hours earlier, had been yelling “DEAL WOMAN, DEAL!” at his television.
Another bewilderingly good spell of bowling followed and Molecular Biology’s single batting threat was bowled by a ball that left him scratching his head like a mulleted teacher in a classroom of nit-ridded 5 year-olds.
With Siyambalapitiya and Lane tying up the other end, UCLES* were picking their way through a side that had a tail longer than a Chinese dragon at New Year. In truth the opposition, a good-natured jumble sale of the unwanted, broken or ill fitting never looked like making their 20 overs and finally expired in the 17th - having amassed a relatively paltry 85.
Gill and Linsdell began the UCLES* reply with a dipping sun leaning softly against their backs. Gill fell as early as possible, bowled by a ball that threatened to misbehave and then didn’t. The wicket brought Brock to the crease and, taking one look at his stance and attire, the opposition clearly felt another scalp was just moments away. Little did they know that by the time Brock returned to the pavilion, the game would be lost.
Much more at home on the tennis court than cricket pitch, Brock soon re-opened the slightly dull sport science debate about the transferability of skills. After a short time to settle, he began to produce some stunning shots – wristy, powerful and timed so sweetly that the sound of bat on ball was barely audible. At the other end, in a slightly more orthodox but doubtlessly less attractive style, Linsdell peppered the leg-side boundary three times in as many balls and UCLES* were well on their way.
The pair added 50 in 8 overs before Linsdell was perhaps a shade unlucky to be adjudged LBW to a ball that didn’t hit either of his legs, deflecting instead off the outside edge through third-man for four. In falling in such a fashion, Linsdell became the first UCLES* batsman to fall LBW without the ball hitting the pad since Godfrey Hatching-Mule was giving out playing against Chemistry in 1969 after the ball had slapped against his famously low-slung left buttock.
Skipper Steve joined Brock at the wicket and the game was soon over. Skipper Steve produced a stream of trademark cuts (unusual only in that on this occasion there wasn’t 25-30 minutes of cricket between each one) and Brock continued to irritate the opposition with ungainly fluidity.
Events came to a close a fraction after 8pm. The early finished allowed the core of the team to adjourn to the pub, Linsdell to race home to relieve his mother-in-law and Danson to pop home, fill the watering can, pop the dog on a lead and put the kettle on in preparation for a Friday spent watering the garden, walking the dog and having a nice up of tea.
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